tell me if I'm boring you, okay?

I purged christmas dinner in my grandmother's bathroom. That's got to be some new sort of low in my life. There are so many cookies and sweet drinks in my house, and I have almost no self-control. So I've spent a lot of time with my fingers in my mouth, and a lot of time sulking alone. That or smoking alone, I do that probably more than is acceptable.

One thing I've noticed (in the hours of self reflection that I shouldn't be indulging in- waste of time I could use to do actual useful things) is that I don't really think of losing weight when I'm purging. It's more that I just want to get the food out of me so I can stop worrying about it. It's like a compulsion just to have it gone. I think about the bottom line- the number of calories, the number on the scale- later, when I'm adding everything up at the end of the day on my iphone app.

---- On a side note, I never know how to count the calories of the food I throw up. I know that most of the carbs and sugars are digested in the mouth. And that about half the total calories are absorbed, more if you wait to purge, which I sometimes do when there's no privacy. But I figure that the protein and fat calories must not be absorbed at all if you throw them up soon enough. Whenever I count at the end of the day I count the full caloric content of all the foods and make a little note on that day's page. I need more accuracy. Some scientists should do a study and figure this out for me.

I'm leaving my home in Pennsylvania on Saturday morning to go back to my home in Boston for the new year. I've been telling all my family that was expecting me to stay that I have to go back to go to work, but that isn't true. I signed up for a zillion shifts, but I haven't been assigned to any of them. Which only makes me stress about money, and I know every time I think about all that shit I start obsessing and panicking. My dad is giving me major guilt about leaving, and it's making me realize what a selfish bitch I am. We all have to figure out who we are, and so far I'm don't like the person I'm discovering.

Today has been a little worse than I was hoping it would be.

I puked cookies and cider in the morning, then I watched a movie in the living room about lesbians and their kids with the actress Julianne Moore. I watched another movie she was in recently called What Masie Knew. The second one I mentioned is much better than the first. Masie is a sweet 5 year old girl who is caught between her selfish parents in a nasty custody battle. The whole film is from the perspective of Masie, you only see her life as spins wildly between the adults in her life.

Enough talk about movies. After all that watching, I sat thinking and playing little games on my cell phone in the same couch. Then my brother came down from his room and the dog threw up and I got high in the backyard. Then he was upstairs again and the dog was the one in the backyard and I was the one throwing up, though I doubt she was smoking, and I didn't throw up on the floor cause I was in the powder room.

But rewind a little. There was a moment between smoking and binging on all the christmas cookies that I loved. I was sitting on the porch, looking out at the hills and the other homes in my neighborhood and it didn't feel cold in the sun. I love the sunshine, even if it is this thin light that filters in on december days. As I was sitting I kept myself perfectly posed; spine straight, shoulders back, stomach in, chin up. Regal. Beautiful.

Then I was eating everything inside in the kitchen. I was a creature all along, I was never beautiful in the sun. I have always been and will always be this thing that stuffs itself with everything in reach. Food, alcohol, drugs, posessions, attention, information, hate, experiences, extremes, pride. I want it and I don't know how to stop wanting or consuming it with abandon. I need someone to save me from this humiliating cycle. And hopefully before I spend all my father's money on binge foods.

As I was typing out a story I was thinking of, I ate several servings of pita chips and apple cider and threw that up as well, this time in the toilet in the basement. Last time I was down there to purge, it was popcorn and it hurt like hell.