red eyes, white hands

I had an early exam, one I completed perfectly and turned in quickly. Before the test I ate an apple and a piece of peanut butter toast. I went home afterwards where I smoked and called my dad. He rambled for 15 minutes and I spent twice that amount of time standing in the hot shower, occasionally wondering how much water I was wasting.

Then I drank a large cup of cocoa and ate 17 triscuts and too many pretzel sticks. I woke up from my nap three hours later full and regretful, but I didn't throw up any of the food I ate before my nap because I know from yesterday how much it hurts to purge the pointy little pretzels and crackers. (I'm kind of a wimp, I'm aware.)

I blew my hair out, soft and straight and clean before leaving for my counseling appointment. I made the appointment two weeks ago, and I was really looking forward to it. But the t wasn't running because of a terrorism scare (it was just an abandoned bag in the station), so I eventually took a $15 cab and cried silently while we sat in endless traffic. I ended up at the counseling center's office an hour and forty minutes after I'd left my house, and seventy minutes after my appointment time. The office was closed, but I tried the door anyway. I cried again when the knob didn't turn.

Next to the counseling center is a pizza restaurant. I had a thick crusted slice with pepperoni and a huge plate of french fries, both of which I consumed in a whirl of emotion and numb desire. I ate about two thirds of the pizza and half the fries and threw the rest out. Then of what I ate, I threw up about two-thirds in my college's library bathroom. It's finals week and the library is full of people, so I was lucky to have the bathroom to myself for five minutes. I wish I had more time to get all that fatty food out of me.

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. If I just controlled myself and ate healthily I'd be thin in no time. But instead I stuff myself night and day with fattening foods and when I feel guilty enough about it I purge. It used to be that I had trouble making myself throw up, now it's that I can't not throw up after the idea has entered my brain.

Christmas is coming, and New Year's Eve. I'll be fat in all the pictures once again, and of course I'll have no will power when it comes to the comfortingly warm holiday foods. I hate this cold weather, it makes it so difficult not to stay in bed all day long. I want to be thin, but I don't deserve it, not at this pace anyway.