On the days I'm not restricting or purging, or looking at endless pictures of thin women, I feel like I can't call myself sick. For a long time I couldn't decide if it was fair to say I have some type of eating disorder or if I was just being dramatic. Now I'm pretty sure I do, but I still feel like a liar and a failure when I eat normally for a day.
Sunday was a total disaster. I took the 5am train from Philadelphia to Boston, it took until noon to get home. When I got back to my apartment I smoked and watched Grey's Anatomy and held off until 3pm to eat anything. And of course, that started an avalanche of terrible food. I won't list it because I might cry, but it was close to 3,000 calories. My roomies are concerned about my throwing up, so I felt too scared to purge. My stomach hurt so bad that I just crawled under the covers and slept, just so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
Yesterday (Tuesday) I went shopping with my friend at the mall and had a smoothie and then a cinnamon roll from panera (I hate that place because I love that place). It was awful, I felt so gross that I ate the roll really fast and then threw it up in the mercifully empty public restroom.
Then this morning one of my roomies told me about the time she suffered from an eating disorder. I already knew, another roomie had told me, but it was good to finally hear it from her. She told me she knew I'm throwing up and that I should talk to her if I ever need to (and all that jazz, you know that conversation. I think everyone's been on both ends of that type of conversation at least once.)
I do need help. I'm out of control on this eating and throwing up thing. I spend so much energy hating myself that it's hurting my social life and my school work. And I'm not losing any weight, I can't control myself around food. I feel like this issue is becoming my life. I need a change of pace, but I really need this semester to end well, I need a good GPA and I need to keep my relationships with everyone strong so I still have friends when I'm done with this stupid eating thing. So much fucking pressure.
in response to everything you said in your first paragraph: ditto. couldn't have said it better myself. except, i still feel like a liar and a failure because i'm not thin enough.
ReplyDeletesad sunday. i'm sorry. :(
panera. "i hate that place because i love that place." ditto, again. except for me, i think it'd be any place that has more than three food choices. i lose all sense of normalcy when i'm around too many different options. even starbucks is big no-no.
it's nice to have your roomie to talk to, if you two are close enough for that. but if you need an extra person to talk to, i'm here for you. (in case you didn't know that already.) if you're feeling out of control to the point where it's about to make your life feel even worse, i think you should talk to someone. even if it's really vague and you don't tell them any specifics. and don't worry, you'll still have friends when you're done with this stupid eating thing. (real friends stick by you in everything and through anything.) don't feel pressured!
[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU ] don't worry, be happy :) luv ya, jax xx