I don't want to talk about my weight. Mostly because I'm embarrassed about how bad I've been this weekend. I just ate and ate, and I didn't purge any of it. I'm failing at losing weight, and at being healthier, and at having an eating disorder. I can't do any of it consistently or well.
Well, I don't want to talk about any of that. I want to talk about this guy. He's a really nice kid, we met in science class where we did this project together and sit next to each other and whisper back and forth. One day about a month or so ago he told me that he liked me, and then he asked me out to eat. I said yes, but never let him pay, and I never let him kiss me. We've been hanging out and talking a lot, and now I really like him as a friend. But I'll never like him as anything more than that, which really sucks. He's so nice, and funny, smart, patient, kind, and interesting. I could talk to him for years and never be bored. And I feel like I can trust him! He's kind of the best. But I'm just not into him that way at all. It's the worst.
So I finally told him that yesterday. And I left the conversation feeling like shit. Then he texted me and said it was okay, that we could be friends. So I was really happy all day, thinking of how awesome it was that he was such a nice person and that I'd finally cleared up that issue and now we could be best friends or something. But then he texted me that he thought it seemed like I was into him, and that he really did like me. So I was forced to say again, over text this time, that I don't like him that way, and that I was sorry for leading him on.
See, here's why I really feel bad- I knew he liked me, and I knew I was flirting. I was doing it to keep his attention, because it felt good to be liked and I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I know how awful I sound, and also how predictably selfish. I should be the better person. And I should be able to just let this go, but I can't. The guilt is eating me, and I told the guy how guilty I felt despite the fact that he's the last person I should tell that to.
I also told this guy I met over the summer and slept with. He's kinda funny, and our relationship is super weird. He's 18 years older than me, and he always tells me that we're going to date someday. Part of me kind of believes him, we could end up in love. But that's besides the point of my bringing hum up. I told him about the guy and then he told me that I should just give him a blow job. That he's the type of guy who never gets any and that I'm good at it, so I should. On the one hand, it would be a really nice thing of me to do, but on the other, I don't see how I could still be friends with the kid if I did that. And the second part of me is a lot more rational (and a lot less fun.)
Most of me knows that I should just let it go, that this situation will figure itself out and that I'm thinking into it too much. But a little (and very vocal) part of me knows that I did lead him on, and that I should feel bad, and that I should make it right, even if I don't have to. But is going down on him the right way to make things better? I don't know. I need a wise man's brain and hero's heart.
i don't think that's the path you want to go down. :/
ReplyDeletei know personally, i'd feel worse later on. you could lose your friendship. don't listen to that guy, he's a sillyface. listen to your heart. let your heart guide you. that's what my yogi tea told me. let your heart guide you, jax. you'll do the right thing. i believe in you xx