the day before exams

I woke up and ate a clementine and drank a strong cup of tea. I don't know how I actually managed to wake up, though. Last night I got so drunk and stoned (but somehow not crossfaded thank goodness) that this morning the wall and the cieling looked like they were playing a spinning game. My roommie and I took the t to school and sat through one last class on US Gov & Politics. My stomach rumbled through my exam review, so I decided to buy a breakfast sandwich and some chocolate milk for a little brunch. I inhaled the meal, and then spent 20 minutes in a dorm room bathroom puking, internally lecturing myself about eating like this.

I came home and smoked with the same kids I did that with only a few hours before. There's this guy who hangs around sometimes sells to us. He and I hung out quite a lot, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. I've never liked him before, but I swear there was tension between us. Maybe some other time? 

The guy I mentioned and some of my roommates made pancakes and eggs for breakfast. My throat hurt too much from purging earlier, so I didn't have any. But I did have too many pretzels and chocolate chips and starburst candies. I threw up most of that stuff in the shower, but I'm always afraid I haven't gotten it all out my system. I just looked at pictures from last night's party and I look so freaking huge. I wore a black dress to hide my body but be dressed for a party. Too bad I also wore a pink belt around my waist that just shows off how big I am. You know those fat girls who wear belted dresses to give themselves a waist and end up looking even fatter? I looked like that. I am that. I am so freaking ugly and fat it hurts.

It hurts to throw up, it hurts afterwards and makes my cheeks and throat puffy. It hurts my stomach to look at pictures of thin girls. I get a physical sensation of self hatred eroding my insides. I hate being me, and I hate that I've wasted so much time and energy on this hatred and still nothing is different.