Moving

The power was out for a few days here so I didn't have a chance to post. I've fallen back in love with blogging again. And no wonder, my followers are wonderful. Thank you for the comments, they're really appreciated. I was being really over dramatic in that last post. But I guess that's just because it's my first big break-up. Isn't that supposed to be dramatic? Well, in any case, it's dramatic to me.

Right now I'm in Boston. I know. wow! I can't believe I won't go home again until Thanksgiving.  Tomorrow I move into my dorm and meet my roommate and all that. It's gonna be a crazy day. I can't wait but also I'm freaking out, doing everything I can to distract myself.

wish me luck <3

heart break

I'm single. and typing that makes me want to melt into a puddle of tears.

Last night we went for dinner and I had a salad and he had a burger. He made a comment about me not being fat and I rolled my eyes.
My town puts on fireworks every Friday night in the summer to attract more tourists. We waited for them to start at a nice spot by the river that only us locals know about. See, it looks shady from the street, but once you go back there it's rather romantic. Especially romantic when it starts to rain. I kissed him and started to cry. All I could think was that our kisses were numbered, which made me cry harder.
"hey." He said in that soft voice only the guys who love you have. And he looked at me straight in the eyes. "I'm just so scared" I said in a voice so low I was surprised he could hear it over the sound of the rain on the river. He held me for a long time. "It needs to stop raining" he muttered after a while. "you know," I told him, "the weather always mirrored how the characters felt in Shakespeare." He smiled, "Well I guess you need to stop crying then."
We didn't end up staying to watch the fireworks. We walked back to his car to hook up. And as cliche as it is, there were fireworks across town and in the car. I'm not sure what made it so good this time, but it was goood. All that just added to making driving home and saying goodbye even harder.
He told me all the reasons why I was such a great girlfriend and I told him similar things. We both laughed as if these weren't the final moments we were sharing as a couple.
When he finally pulled up to my house, I looked at him and said I didn't know if I was ready to say goodbye. "I can't bear to think of dating you in past tense" I said into his ear as he hugged me. I started to cry as the words left my mouth. He pulled away and looked at me, his eyes filling with tears too. For a long time we sat there, embracing and crying and saying the best words we knew to say. "look at us" I laughed as we sat close, wiping away tears, "we're so being so silly." he gave me a painful smile and said "yeah, I guess we are."
He walked me to the door, and made me promise to call him often while at school. We kissed, in the most sad and needy way I had ever kissed anyone. But I think it was also the most passionately I had ever kissed anyone.
Then I looked at him and shook his hand, "friends?" He looked at me and repeated "friends" and kissed my hand. That made me break down again. And he looked like he couldn't take it either. "Oh, I don't think I can ever stop loving you," I cried. And we were kissing again, the same as before, except that  I was crying now. I looked up at him after I had collected myself, made solid eye contact, and kissed him one last time full on the lips.
"Goodbye [boy]," I whispered and went into the house.

As soon as I closed the doors I started weeping again. I leaned against the door and sobbed. Then I dragged myself up the stairs and got into bed next to my father, who was watching the news about the hurricane. He held me and I cried my eyes out. And while I was talking I realized why they call it broken heart. It really does feel as if your heart was torn in two. All the while, in his calm, quiet voice he sympathized over my heart break. "Love hurts, especially when it's over" he told me wisely.
Eventually I kissed my dad on the cheek and went to sleep, not caring that my rain-soaked hair was making my pillow wet.

two posts

.... and one is a video!!

the new blogs I talked about in my vlog:

clear girl

missinsanity

I have a date in about an hour. my last date with my boyfriend. I don't know how to handle this. Last night I was at his house and we just laid on his couch in the rainy weather watching movies and talking. For a long time though, we just sat and held each other.
He seems genuinely upset to be splitting up with me. And I know I'm upset to leave him. it's just one of those self conscious things that when he says "I'm going to miss you" I still have the urge to ask "why?" The part of me that hates the whole of me can't fathom why anyone would call me beautiful; it's a lot more natural to wonder why anyone can tolerate my presence than them missing when I'm not around.
I'm doing 500 calories a day until I move in. I saved today's for dinner tonight. yay for being hungry :/

18

It was a really nice birthday.

I keep crying over stupid things. like my fear of being an adult and how itchy I am.

  it's my party i can cry if i want to....

I just feel like I should have done something.... special. but I don't know. maybe this is it and I should just be happy. I need to figure things out. 

thanks for the birthday wishes,

jax

I'll be legal in an hour

oh wow.

i feel kinda old.... (haha i bet i'll laugh about being old on my eighteenth birthday down the road)

i have poison ivy. or something else that makes you pink and itchy everywhere. i don't know how you catch poison ivy at the beach but i don't know what else it could be. a crazy part of me thinks it could be a rare and deadly disease. a crazy and fantastical part of me whole-heartedly believes it's the plague.

oh yeah, that's where i was, btw. i was at the beach imitating a beached whale as i lay on the sand reading and lathering on a gallon of sunscreen. i was with a friend's family. she is so skinny and eats like no other. i'm positive she eats about 3,000 calories a day. but she burns it off dancing and jumping around like a wild thing. i wish i were like her- energetic and thin. her name is birdie, ironically. she got the name as a baby, but no one knew she would grow up to be the type of girl with delicate bone structure and a heartbeat strong enough to fly her up and away. 

i didn't eat as much as she did, but i still ate my fair share on this weekend away. it's cake day tomorrow, but i don't think i want to use it as an excuse (to myself) to eat anything i want.

finished: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

reading currently: Little Bee by Chris Cleave

both are excellent novels. i highly suggest them.

a sad post

i think i'm a diet fail.

i ate:
an apple
1/2 c blueberries
some goldfish crackers
1/2 c pasta
1/3 c ice cream

so the first two items are okay. but the last three are not. oh boy.

i don't feel okay and i don't know what's wrong. it could be the boyfriend. or leaving. or not eating enough (even though i fail at my goals with that). or it could be friends who don't talk to me. or the loneliness of shopping for school supplies without a nagging mother. or having Joannie gone. or maybe i'm sad naturally. i don't really know.

i wish i were better than this.

writing to get the thoughts out of my head

I decided to take a page out of tiny intention's page and do a three day fruit fast. that means:

Breakfast - one high carb fruit [ex banana, large pear]

Lunch - one high fiber fruit [ex medium apple, 1/2 cup of berries]

Dinner - one citrus fruit [ex medium grapefruit, orange]

Repeat for three days.

I hope it works to get me out of the 130's soon.

today I had an apple for breakfast/lunch and some cucumber for dinner. I know that's not a citrus fruit or even a fruit at all, but that's what we had in the house. I figure it's all water anyway, so who cares? It feels good to be hungry for a reason again.

I can't think of anything besides stupid boyfriend right now, so if you don't want to read, you don't have to.

Boyfriend rant:

I was just at my boy friend's house. making out and basically doing everything but actual sex. since nobody was home we could do whatever, and whatever turned out to involve no shirts. I know it's good for him, he's always got that goofy thank-you-for-that face after he's done. But for me, it's not so great. he weighs 180 pounds, so even though I'm a pretty solid girl, it's a lot of weight on top of me. his hip bones hit my inner thigh and I've got these nasty looking blue bruises. I have hickeys on my neck. He was fingering me and I'm sore even though that's supposed to feel good. and it did. well, partly it did. 

he came (of course) and I pretended to. the last few times we fooled around he came and I didn't and he felt bad. I think guys have more sensitive egos than girls in this department. I've given head twice, and I kinda like it. it's fun and I get to have all the control. plus it distracts from me not wanting to take my shirt off. but when he tried to go down on me, I refused. I really don't like the way I look and he always says I'm beautiful.  which catches me in an odd place. I shutter to look at myself but he really wants me naked. so him happy, or me happy? this time I chose me, and told him I'd rather he wouldn't.

after we were done (and by we I mean him) I was super light headed and couldn't see straight. when he asked what was wrong and I told him he took that as some sort of compliment. I think it has more to do with not eating and dehydration than him, but whatevs.

I'm making him sound awful. but I think that's only because I'm pissed off and I hurt all over. I love him. and I always have a good time fooling around with him. he really is a wonderful boyfriend. there's just the problem of me leaving in two weeks. that really sucks. we both agreed that we'd break up at the end of the summer, but now both of us have started hinting casually that we'd rather stay together. we both know it would never work, but there's always that nagging 'what if?'.and plus, at the moment, it hurts too much to say goodbye.

I have so much shopping to do and so many people to say goodbye to and all this other miscellaneous stuff I think I'm gonna go crazy. wish me luck in staying sane these two weeks :P

Joannie went home

and I have my own room again. It feels strangely lonely. hmm

I'm starting to stress about college things. I have less than two weeks until I leave at this point, and I have nothing. I still need to get sheets and a comforter and books and toiletries and everything else that goes into having a life. Also a big worry on my mind: money. I have enough to survive for maybe a month on my own. But I need to find a job in Boston pronto. and hopefully talk to my grandparents about them helping me. sighhh... I hate adult problems.

and on that note- only 9 days until my eighteenth birthday! I can't believe I'll be legal in just a little over a week. wow.

I want to be 118 by the time I come home for christmas. And by my nineteenth birthday I'd like to be under 110. As of 5 minutes ago, I weigh 132 pounds. 22 pounds really isn't too much to ask, I think. So I'll be making a nice work out routine for myself and getting back to restricting now that my stay-cation is over with Joannie. I'm gonna lose the freshman 15. here we go!

_______

just so I can look back and remember what happened these past two weeks (and for those who are interested):

monday 8/1 Joannie arrived

tuesday 8/2 king of prussia mall- it's the best mall ever (and oh my god I drove on the turnpike!)

wednesday 8/3 to the ventnor beach with my best friend's family

thursday 8/4 beach day and OC boardwalk at night (I ate over 1,000 calories that night. ew.)

friday 8/5 philadelphia zoo with friends and a Death Cab for Cutie concert

saturday 8/6 bummed around my home town and had an excellent day

sunday 8/7 hung out with Joannie and my boyfriend at his house

monday 8/8 (my mother's 50th birthday) went to Dorney Park

tuesday 8/9 NYC in the rain. lots of good shopping in time square

wednesday 8/10 pool party with friends

thursday 8/11 (10th anniversary of my mother's death) tubing on the river and an Eagle's pre-season game

friday 8/12 phillies game (they lost)

saturday 8/13 graduation party 

sunday 8/14 local mall

monday 8/15 dropped Joannie off at the airport

two weeks later

I have wanted to post so much these past two weeks but have gotten no opportunity. My pen pal Joannie and I have been going going going for the whole time she's been here. and White Skinny Angel, you were right. My French is awful and Joannie's English is pretty bad too. thank God for sign language and facial expressions :P

I've been trying really hard to keep off fattening foods. while I've had no definite diet plan, I have been able to stay around 1,000 calories each day. Mainly I've been eating half portions skipping either lunch or breakfast. Hopefully when I get a chance to use a scale I'll be in a good place.

I could write about all the things we've been doing, but I don't have enough time to go over everything. I have only a few spare hours today to get ready for my graduation party tomorrow and I'm stealing a few minutes from that to write and read.

One thing I do want to say- yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe a whole decade has passed since I last saw her. I know we wouldn't have gotten along, but I miss her for all those moments when mothers are supposed to be there. Like prom, or shopping for college, or someday picking out my wedding dress. And I miss knowing her like everyone else close to her  got to. I was just too young to ever really understand who she was. I'm sad about it, but I know I'll be okay.

I really want to make her proud. I'm going to finally lose this weight and be the very best person I could be. I want to do that. for me and for her.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and that August has been treating you well.
love, Jackie