Echoes

In my mind, you are the sum of all the things I never told you. I practice all the things I wish I had screamed at your ugly face. I think up new ways to hate you. I meditate on the reasons you were right. I plan a complex and intricate revenge. I compare you to all the evil men in history. When someone speaks your name I instinctively become defensive and angry. I wish I could hate you completely without a trace of pity or doubt. You are mine enemy, for you hath done me wrong.

New Job

So I got a new job at a restaurant. It's different than the last restaurant though. There are about triple the amount of tables and staff but about a third of the responsibilities. I think I like this restaurant better if only for the nice waitresses. It's just super tiring and kind of gross. You get food all over your hands and the trays weigh a ton. And then the bottoms of my feet start to hurt a lot and my arms were almost shaking from the weight and the fear of dropping the tray.

I broke a glass but no one knew except for the dish washer who helped me clean it up. I over heard two of the waitresses talking and the one says, "she said she has worked as a busser before" and the other one said "yeah I was wondering if she had, she's really good for her first night." I was so happy to hear that! I was so worried after I broke the glass that they would all think I was terrible. Hopefully all of this will work out and I'll be friends with some of the staff.

missing, wishing, wanting

I miss P. I miss him so much. Even though he was mean to me and he did what he said he would never do, I miss him. I know he isn't worth it, everyone tells me that he isn't. But I love him. plain and simple. I miss three hour phone calls and inappropriate jokes. I miss text messages just to say good morning. I miss the way he got so close. I somehow miss the way he was so logical it hurt.

He blocked me on facebook and we haven't spoken since mid-September. I know it's my fault, but isn't he supposed to forgive me? He does this cutting thing to everyone, but I thought I was special. Why the hell did I let myself think I was special? He might have said that he loves me but that must be gone now. Some divine force thinks it's funny to mess with me too, I sent him a package that never arrived. I don't know if it's God or an angel or karma or lady luck, but who ever it is, they don't want us to be friends anymore.

Today is a down day. Every moment I'm not distracted I fall back to melancholy. And that only makes me think of P asking me, "what's wrong, melancholy?" then I miss him more. I wish I could go back to the day when we held hands in the Bose theatre. I wish I could go back to the last time I saw him. I want to say goodbye a thousand times. I wish we never said goodbye, I wish he still loved me.

I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him that I think of him everyday. I want him to miss me and tell me he's sorry. I want to go back to the way we were. But I know that I'm irrelevant to his new life. I'm just a painful memory, a twinge of regret. He probably thinks of me only in passing and only very occasionally. I wish I were more to him but I'm not. And still I can't stop missing him.

Realize

It's that moment when you realize that you aren't beautiful. That you are way out of your league. It's that moment you realize that you will never measure up. When you realize that you aren't what they want. When you realize you're dreams aren't going to be realized. It's that moment when you realize the truth.

It starts with a question. Why didn't they just...? And you think you could have done better. You think of how they must be idiots to make those mistakes. But then you think, if I were in their shoes, I never would have been in that mess because I'm smart enough to stay out of that situation. And then the moment hits. You wouldn't be in that situation because you aren't good enough to have made it far enough to make a bad decision like that. You aren't pretty enough to have gotten that boy in the first place. You just aren't enough to even come close.

I once read a story about a girl who was checking into her room on the upper levels of a hotel. She was climbing into the elevator, and on the elevator door she saw the reflection of a girl she knew, a good friend she was excited to see. But when she turned around to say hello, no one was there. As she walked into the elevator she realized that the girl in the reflection wasn't a good friend, it was herself. The point of the story was that in an unguarded moment she had recognized herself as a good friend. I had the opposite experience today.

Walking past a bathroom mirror, I saw a girl who I mildly thought I recognized. I knew only that I didn't like her very much. As I closed the stall door I realized that I was the only one in the restroom, the girl was me. With a slight shock I came to another realization. The self-hating thoughts that drift across my mind casually and that I occasionally meditate on have become a part of who I am. They have become so central to my person that I recognize my own reflection not as a friend or even a neutral random in the bathroom, but as a negatively associated acquaintance. Hopefully one day that will be different and I can change this part of me. I will think of myself as a friend and not an enemy. I will wonder if maybe I am a bit self absorbed to be thinking so highly of myself rather than wondering if maybe I'm too harsh. My thoughts will be mainly positive rather than harmful.

My mood swings on the randomest of pinpoints. A comment remembered from months ago can make me eat nothing for a whole day. But a children's toy commercial can make me glow with happiness. I exude optimism and sunshine for a few days, but shut down entirely for the next few. And I know I make this realization constantly, but it feels as fresh and raw now as it did years ago.

Sitting

I've been doing things I shouldn't just for the fun of it. sitting here looking over the edge of that cliff I've been thinking about so much. It's so tempting to jump. Let go of all this and see where a leap would bring me. I act so out of character and it's so fun. To be a different version of myself. The girl who would say anything and do everything. It's not who I want to be but it's fun to pretend.

I talked to Vishwa today. It was exactly the way it was before. That makes me both glad and a little disheartened. I was just a friend all along, never really someone he liked a lot. He dated me for the image of it, having a girlfriend before college. It makes sense now that he never called me pretty or tried to go further than I made clear I was ready for. It makes me sad to know I was never really wanted, but it's nice that things aren't going to change.

I really just want to rewind back to a time when Prateek was around and still thought I was worth knowing. When I could call him and he'd say things that were both helpful and hurtful. Now it's just hurtful. I need him but I know the time when he loved me is past. But I'm still sitting here with my phone in my lap waiting for him to call.

Edge

Eyes closed, you breathe in. You breathe out. The air is cold and goosebumps rise to the surface of your skin. You are hyper aware of everything around you, the cars rushing by far below, the sirens in the distance, voices inside. Your eyes open and you look straight out to the building across from this one. The night is clear, but you can't see any stars. You step up, one stiletto on the ledge and one safe on the balcony. Then you are crouching, both feet on the concrete strip that protects the balcony's occupants from a fall into city traffic 40 stories straight down. You close your eyes, reaching inside your self for balance and courage. The invisible stars have aligned and you know this is right. You stand up tall, slow and steady, reaching two long arms up for a hold on the balcony above. You breathe the danger in. The thrill of calmly looking into the eyes of death. None of it matters at this moment, not the clothes or the make-up, connections and statistics and money. Its just this moment of chilling danger. You look down for the first time, taking in the glittering buildings and streets and the far away cars and people. Despite the instinct, you remain completely calm. A slam of glass sliding doors and the swooshing close of curtains brings you back. Sharp voices start, interrupting the peace you held moments before. You know vaguely that you know this woman, that her panic and alarm must have something to do with what you are doing right now. Your heart picks up pace and you are suddenly aware of what you are doing. standing inches from a fatal plunge, on the edge of the balcony of society's favorite golden boy. Your golden boy. You don't want to fall, the thrill is gone and fear rushes in. The voice is higher and in pitch and volume now, and you want more than anything to get down to safety, and back into the party. You tremble, losing your cat-like balance of a few seconds ago. One toe slips out, the spiked heel of your shoe catching the edge. You tumble forward, in slow motion you watch the woman scream horrified, spinning you fall screaming a little louder than the woman. You look up, watching the balcony get smaller. You go quiet, the yelp short and high. You brace for impact, knowing the concrete is near. You've gone too far over the edge.

Goodnight

So I saw Vishwa today. It was stilted and awkward. Small talk that made almost no sense. There were long awkward moments when I could have talked to him about what we were doing next. But I let the moment go. Over and over again I let it go.

Finally, he was the brave one. As we walked back towards his house and the Mcdonald's where my dad was picking me up, he asked if we were still going to be together. He asked me if this thing, never saying exactly what, was still working. I didn't answer. He asked me if I was happy and I only shook my head. The he looked at me. and for a long moment neither of us said anything. Then I said that it would be better if it was just over and he agreed. Another long moment. Then with this smaller voice he said, but I still want you to be my friend. And this time I agreed with him. I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. He told me it would be alright and I completely believed him.

Then we walked off to the Wawa to buy orange juice and ginger ale. I was okay, and he was okay, and we were okay. But just as my dad pulled up and I got in the car I realized how much I wasted those last moments. I should have asked him everything I wanted to know. Because in those moments it was okay, we were still in that in between place. Now I won't know for years when we hang out and laugh about the times we vaguely remember and he answers those questions which now hold no weight with answers that he is only half sure of.

It's the end of an era, slightly sad, slightly bewildering, slightly hopeful. I just hope these next few days don't hurt too bad.

Unlucky

Last night I went to a soccer game that was supporting a local girl in her fight against leukemia. It was really amazing to see all the support that the community had and all those orange shirts. People really love this girl. But it made me think about how futile it really all is. Wearing orange and and making posters really isn't going to cure cancer. Walking three miles isn't going to cure heart disease. Selling cookies isn't going to save manatees. It's really nice to put on that shirt and show support, but we're up against something thats bigger than us. yeah, cancer sucks, but people get sick and people die. shit happens. but nobody is out there raising money to get rid of hurricanes or organizing a walk-a-thon to prevent earthquakes. Because even with all that effort, we're still not going to be healthy, happy, blah blah blah. I know it's about research and awareness and all that, but is being aware of how many people die per year of breast cancer really going to change a genetic disease? no. sorry, but that's the truth. Maybe it's just nice to have a common enemy for once. Something without feelings or a face, because there is no other side to leukemia. I wish there were no cancer and no disease, but there is. I wish wearing a tee shirt and winning a soccer game were enough, but it's not. in the end, it's jusst luck of the draw.

I miss you

We could be alone together
Even if we aren't the same
You aren't like all of the others
You understand why I'm insane

I miss P. And V is only nice to me to be polite. He's sweet and he doesn't want to break my heart. M is sad and pale. She's waiting for things that will never happen. She thinks that if she stays quiet long enough someone will notice and swoop down to care about her every wish and dream and thought. I suppose we aren't so different. Except that she still cares about highschool and she has talent. I have wistful dreams and gloomy musings. The people who fill my day don't really know me. And with all the heartbreak and lies that have been going around lately I'm not sure I want to let new people in. I wish I could change the past so my future could be better. I wish I truely loved someone and that they loved me back. Someone who wanted me for what I am right now and saw things indidnt see. I wish I wish I wish!

I know all the things I need to do. All the changes I need to make. I'm aware of all the things I do wrong that I need to make right. But I'm a sad song stuck on repeat. I know I'll be okay someday but today I'm not. Didn't I say that last month? And the month before? I just need to get out of this place and start fresh. A change in scenery. But mostly, I need to find myself a best friend.

Cancelled

I'm going out of my mind. All my plans are cancelled and I have nothing to do. I feel like I want to cry. I was going to go to a concert and then it got cancelled. great. I was going to go shopping and that got cancelled. great. I am so bored. Either people are too busy for me, or I can't trust them. I had to lie to get out of doing something with Maggie because she is apparently a compulsive liar and I don't know yet what I want to do. On the one hand, she never did anything to me, but on the other, she made up some pretty shocking and horrible things to other people. how can you trust someone like that? So we'll see how things go. But for now, I'm losing my sanity in this limbo.