Sitting

I've been doing things I shouldn't just for the fun of it. sitting here looking over the edge of that cliff I've been thinking about so much. It's so tempting to jump. Let go of all this and see where a leap would bring me. I act so out of character and it's so fun. To be a different version of myself. The girl who would say anything and do everything. It's not who I want to be but it's fun to pretend.

I talked to Vishwa today. It was exactly the way it was before. That makes me both glad and a little disheartened. I was just a friend all along, never really someone he liked a lot. He dated me for the image of it, having a girlfriend before college. It makes sense now that he never called me pretty or tried to go further than I made clear I was ready for. It makes me sad to know I was never really wanted, but it's nice that things aren't going to change.

I really just want to rewind back to a time when Prateek was around and still thought I was worth knowing. When I could call him and he'd say things that were both helpful and hurtful. Now it's just hurtful. I need him but I know the time when he loved me is past. But I'm still sitting here with my phone in my lap waiting for him to call.