missing, wishing, wanting

I miss P. I miss him so much. Even though he was mean to me and he did what he said he would never do, I miss him. I know he isn't worth it, everyone tells me that he isn't. But I love him. plain and simple. I miss three hour phone calls and inappropriate jokes. I miss text messages just to say good morning. I miss the way he got so close. I somehow miss the way he was so logical it hurt.

He blocked me on facebook and we haven't spoken since mid-September. I know it's my fault, but isn't he supposed to forgive me? He does this cutting thing to everyone, but I thought I was special. Why the hell did I let myself think I was special? He might have said that he loves me but that must be gone now. Some divine force thinks it's funny to mess with me too, I sent him a package that never arrived. I don't know if it's God or an angel or karma or lady luck, but who ever it is, they don't want us to be friends anymore.

Today is a down day. Every moment I'm not distracted I fall back to melancholy. And that only makes me think of P asking me, "what's wrong, melancholy?" then I miss him more. I wish I could go back to the day when we held hands in the Bose theatre. I wish I could go back to the last time I saw him. I want to say goodbye a thousand times. I wish we never said goodbye, I wish he still loved me.

I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him that I think of him everyday. I want him to miss me and tell me he's sorry. I want to go back to the way we were. But I know that I'm irrelevant to his new life. I'm just a painful memory, a twinge of regret. He probably thinks of me only in passing and only very occasionally. I wish I were more to him but I'm not. And still I can't stop missing him.