tis the season

Happy Holidays. or should I say Happy Junk Food Season? (I haven't been doing very well with food)

But I'm more stressed out about money than I am about the eating thing. After all, I only started tracking my money about a year ago, I've been tracking calories for 4 years now. doesn't that feel slightly sad to you? that I'm so obsessed with counting calories, but I don't care about myself enough to just lose the effing weight.

I love being home. I love my puppy and my family and the lights and my comfy bed. but I miss the city, and I miss being at college. the last month was spent smoking and drinking and sleeping around, and I want to go back to that. it was terribly unproductive, but gosh, it was fun.
also, I walk a lot less when I'm home. when I'm in the city I probably walk around two miles on the average day. here, everything is too far apart or there is no side walk, so driving is the only choice.

speaking of food

I haven't eaten a bite of anything since yesterday at 2pm. But I'm not hungry, so I'm not going to go out of my way to find something to eat.
The only reason I'm writing this here is because I feel proud. And the fact that I feel proud makes me really sad. I'm supposed to just eat when I'm hungry and try to be as healthy as possible, not find my self worth in how long I can go without food. I don't want to think about this bullshit anymore.

wednesday night party

here's the link to my other blog: Tangerine, Too.

11.12.12

Happy November to all of you here in the blogosphere, it's been a little while.

I'm writing this to remind you all (and maybe myself one day in the future) of what it feels like to be a reckless and blessed nineteen year old girl in 21st century America.

I've been drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot of weed, and I voted for the very first time. While I'm at work it consumes me, while I'm with friends they're all that matter. Going to class (or not going) makes me feel guilty for not caring about what I'm learning. But I'd feel like a fool if I quit now. I need a degree and I'm at a damn good school.

I don't go to the gym, I dance and walk endless miles around this city. I don't eat well, but I throw up quite a lot. Oh, and I have a lot of sex. Does any of this count as being healthy? I don't think so.

But, gosh, isn't it great to be living! The stars don't like to live in the city, and I miss them. The point isn't that I see them each night and wonder why they're here, why I'm here, why we're all here. The point is that they are there at all and that is enough.

The world is so large and I want to see as much as I can. And I'm starting to see just how long and how short my life will be. There is a life after being a teenager, but it won't last forever.

vlog 10.24.12

just an update on my life. nothing really all that exciting.

nothing at all

all I do is sleep. I want to change the world, I want to do things with my life. but all I can do is fall into dreams and wake up melancholy.

stomach ache

I binged. not like a normal binge, either, where I just eat too much ice cream and a few cookies and some chips. no, I intentionally ate so much that I had trouble sitting up.
-full bag of chips
-a ton of water
-mango smoothie
-soup in a bread bowl from panera
-giant cookie

yeah. that's pretty close to 3,000 calories, more than I ate the last 3 days.

I don't know what happened, it was like my rational brain turned off and I went into a frenzy, eating as much as possible. it was around this time last year I started gaining weight and I simply cannot let that happen again.

I took 6 laxies just so I'll be able to go to sleep tonight. I thought about throwing up and then decided it would be bad and probably make me cry and ruin any chance of getting work done tonight. this is probably the most disgusting feeling ever.

it's october 3rd.

after I woke up late for class this morning I had to skip breakfast. I hate skipping breakfast, it sets me up for a day of bad choices. I didn't get to eat until almost 3 pm, when I had a bowl of clam chowder (400). by that point, my eyes were hurting and my vision was blurry, I felt shaky, and my balance was off. clearly, not eating is not a good choice.

I ended up running 2 miles on the treadmill and drinking a ton of water, which was good, but I also had a breakfast sandwich for dinner and cookies and cheez-its after the presidential debate. so not good. but things really could have gone a lot worse.

I started a myspace page today. call me out of date, but I love myspace. it is such a great way to listen to music and keep up with artists. I think people wrongly compare it to facebook. it's not supposed to be for that, it's for other things. and watch the video on their homepage, it's super cool. 

philosophical bitch

after some dumb decisions I had a blow out fight with my roommate. yeah, it's my fault (as always) but I still don't appreciate the way she looks at me and speaks to me. we ended up later sitting down to talk (aka both of us crying) and I think it's a bit better now.

for about 2 hours after I felt weak and shaken and hallow. it was exactly how I felt with my step mother, and it's a feeling I try my best to avoid. I feel all the time like crying and talking to people about my problems. but talking about it makes me feel worse and down and down the spiral goes.

I know if I could only control what I say, and how I speak about and to others my life would be so much easier and so much happier. I need some balance in my life, and I need self-control to implement all the knowledge I know I've collected. all the sayings are right, they're cliches for a reason. 

cold weather goals

avoiding my homework so much right now. oops.

I haven't had the best things to eat today, but I'm not hating myself. I had a few cookies for a birthday in my sorority chapter meeting and granola for lunch, but other than that just protein and dairy. not terrible.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I did walk a few miles.

okay. rambling done.

October Goals
work outs
m- painting
t- painting
w- boot camp (12-1)
r- elliptical & weights
f- yoga (12-1)
s- elliptical & weights
s- off or pilates videos

weights
oct 7- 145
oct 21- 140
oct 31- 136


food options
b- granola, eggs, fruit, smoothie, milk
l- salad, turkey burger, yogurt and fruit
d- good grains, protein, as much veg as possible
s- fiber one, tea, gummies, cereal, yogurt

friday wish

I always end up with the same dumb frat guys. always the same ones. the ones who like me I either don't like or we made things awkward a long time ago when we hooked up. and then there are the rest of them. the ones who don't give two flying fucks about me. to them, I'm the fat girl who always hangs who they wish wouldn't.

maybe if I get down to 130 again they'll look in my direction. maybe if I get down to 118 they'll talk to me. maybe if I get bellow 110 they'll even seek me out. or maybe I'll always be too weird. but definitely I'm making this too big or a deal.

before that dumb party I actually had a great day. despite the rain I got interviews done for class, had the premiere of my radio show, and had a great time at my internship. if only everyday could be more like that.

eternity in a moment

it is so difficult to live without weighing your own value in the eyes of those around you. everything they say, all the glances in your direction, all the actions add up to a self consciousness that feels unavoidable.

I feel like I spend all my time thinking about what others are thinking about. as if I cannot live in this moment, I must always be analyzing.

truthfully

this morning I was so proud of myself for being at 147.6. I haven't seen that number since last semester. but then it dawned on me that I was at 130 a little over a year ago. I let myself slip all the way up to 160 pounds by july, something that is just not acceptable.

I've been thinking all day and all of yesterday and the day before that about some dumb guy that I slept with and who has my number but who hasn't texted. I kept wondering why, going over reasons that he would be nervous or that he was following some dumb code or that he didn't want to start anything with me.

but then I saw myself naked in the mirror when I was weighing myself. and now I understand why he didn't contact me, I am disgusting. he spent one night with me, touching my disgusting body, and he can't handle the thought of ever seeing or speaking to me again. he was being nice when he woke up, and realized sober what he hadn't when he was drunk- that I am disgusting. and then he was a true gentleman and didn't kick me out. I commend him for that, and I am truly sorry that he had to see my fat self.

I wouldn't have called me back either.

update

high 140's several days in a row, this makes it official. I want to see 145.something by sunday.

today:
yogurt and granola
yogurt
powerade
turkey burger
pretzels &frosting (with my friend who's in the hospital with a recurring heart complication)

I did really well and I painted sets for 6 hours. talk about tiring. now if only I could get some homework done.

new week

rush week is finally over. hallelujah. I mean, it was fun, but it was too much smiling for my taste. last night was the mixer with our brother fraternity and I had a lot of fun. I pre-gamed at my big's apartment with my pledge sisters and some of the older sisters-I finally feel like one of them. like they would actually come to me with something important.

at the mixer I danced with a few boys, and one who has been after me since last semester kept asking if I was drunk enough to kiss him. ew. no. then I met this guy, who was relatively hot, but also kind of nerdy and sweet. I'd never met him before even though he's one of my brothers. we talked and smoked and I gave him my number, and then we made out in the hallway.

we were heading home in the pouring rain, and I was so happy to be getting rained on. it was a beautiful feeling, being cross-faded and having the cold rain on my hair and my skin. I felt beautiful. and then there he was out of no where, and we were kissing in the rain just like an old movie.

I ended up going home with him and we slept together. It was mostly good, but I was wayyy too tight. but besides that it was really a good night, he was kind and tender and it was really comforting just to be next to him all night long.

strangely, I felt fat, but not ashamed. more like it would be nice if I were thinner, but I know that I don't look completely hideous. I do want to get in better shape so that I can just have a better time when I have sex. I don't know if that's a weird reason to want to get more flexible and strong, but it's definitely on the list.

anyway. today we had voting for which rushes will be getting bids tonight. it was interesting to see how it works, but I'm sad some of the girls I like won't be getting in. tonight we have our first ever bid day party, which is a nice new tradition. other school do it, but we never have.

if only I didn't have so much homework to do.

ranting

it's really late for me and I need to go to sleep, but I just needed to write. do you ever get that feeling? that you just have to get the words out?

back story- on saturday night I went out with two of my friends. I met up with them at one girl's apartment, which is in a sketch part of the city and I went by myself to meet them because the girl I was going to go with, didn't want to go out. so I go there, we pregame, and everything is fun. then we get to the party and she is there with my other friend who also said she didn't want to go out. so whatever, change of heart. then I drink too much and blah blah blah I get really shitty and throw up. I then spend the next day feeling terrible, and her only advice is to drink water, she has like zero sympathy.

so that's whatever, not a big deal at all. but then tonight, I'm saying how I need to hurry and write my essay so I can get a shower and go to sleep at a decent time. then she starts on me about getting work done earlier, and how I should have done more work over the weekend. I'm annoyed because I've been in class all day (until 10pm, mind you) and I do a lot more with my life than she does, so I have more on my plate. I say that I was really sick on sunday so I didn't get much done. and then she tells me I shouldn't get so shitty. that I'm going to get a bad reputation. like seriously? you're going to do that to me? never mind that we pledged together last semester and we live together. never mind that I am always there when you need to talk. I am so pissed at her judging. I know she's OCD and has a stick up her ass but that doesn't mean I have to be too.

Anyway. now that the rant is over, I'm going to sleep. I had a ton of work to do today and I got everything done (happiness!) and tomorrow I have 4 hours of class and six hours of work. gosh. what a long day. plus it's rush week so I have events for that as well.

I know I do this to myself, all the over-scheduling, but I feel like I controlled myself in not over signing up. I think I want to find a less frazzled career path, something more focused with less emailing involved.

oh the joys of journalism.

good night!

merry happy

such a good day today. such a good day!!!

I got school work done, I went to the gym, I met great people, my radio show got approved, I ate relatively well. most things are going my way right now. I am very busy, but I feel like I am confident enough to really dive in and accomplish what I want to.

oh yeah, and I'm out of the 150's!!!

I mean, it's only 149.8, and it'll be back up tomorrow probably, but I was so shocked to see that number. It feels amazing to know that I can do this if I really try. I have a goal to be 145 by october 1st and 136 by halloween. it's kind of fast, and expecting a lot from myself, but if I keep going to the gym as much as I do now and make better eating choices, I think it's attainable.

okay, sorry for being bi-polar on here, but I'm just so happy today. this is so great :)

whatever

I don't fucking care if it's not healthy. I feel awful so I'm gonna do a fast tomorrow. I can't feel like this anymore.

morning

I feel like such a bad ass when I wake up early in the morning and go to the gym. so many people are still sleeping, but I'm already burning 400 calories. then I go to the dining hall and have a fruit salad and some granola, and other girls are eating potatoes and bagels. I am a goddess.

lol, jk. I weighed in at 152.8 this morning, so I'm just a fat loser pretending to be a thin pretty girl.

already overwhelmed

the first week went okay. and now I'm feeling so unmotivated! my life is stressful enough without thinking about my weight and how ugly I'll stay until I'm thin. I was losing weight for a few days, and now I'm on that dumb yo-yo of up and down and up and down. 150-152 over and over. please make it stop.

as you all know, I've gone back to school. and here's all the things on my plate:

Beat Reporting (class)
Law & Ethics for Journalists (class)
Fashion History (class)
American Woman Literature (class)
Sorority (rush is this week)
Job (10 hours a week)
Hosting My Radio Show
Internship (16 hours per week)

yeah. it's a lot. and don't forget that I have homework, I work out around 1 hour a day, and I have a social life. seriously, I think I'm taking on too much, but I literally can't see myself cutting anything off the list.

just thinking about the food here and how many calories are in alcohol makes me so stressed out. I eat well for a lot of the day, but then there are dumb things like birthday cakes in meetings and mixing vodka with fruit punch that make things so difficult. I feel like my small bad decisions destroy hours of work and my dozens of smart decisions.

I want to go home to my puppy and my daddy! I want to sleep in my own bed and watch tv on my couch and ride my bike. I know I wasn't happy this summer and that going home would be way worse, but I hate this. it's too overwhelming and I don't even like that many people here. what if I'm not ready yet?

frustrated

my stomach hates me. everything I eat makes me feel sick and I hate it. how am I supposed to feel okay and be productive when I feel like there is a living (and very angry) being inside me? this is just not fair.

and the food here sucks. I went to trader joe's today, but I can't afford to do that often. bleh. I am so mad at my school for having such shitty eating options.

tomorrow I plan on going to the gum before class. we'll see if that happens. probably not, but one can hope.

good choices

my eating has been surprisingly good these past few days. it's been a lot of fruit and cutting my portion sizes in half. as a consequence I've been going to bed very hungry and feeling a bit tired. so I'm thinking of increasing the amount I eat. of course I'll try to make the additions super healthy ones, but I have a hard time doing that at school.

I found at least one job that would hire me, so that's at least a start. but I don't know which one I am going to take yet, it's a difficult decision. one would look great on my resume but be less fun and I'd have to wear office clothes. the other would be painting sets for the theater and I could wear sweat pants to work and be moving and burning more calories. it's a battle between happy now or happy later, and I don't know what to do!

I've dropped to 151 this morning from 153 on monday. 2 pounds in two days? I think it's a fluke, and that I'll gain tomorrow, but at least it's a happy number for right now.

I hope all you ladies starting school have a great first day!

new again

school has started, and I'm off to my sophomore year. I feel a lot more confident coming into school this time, less unsure and more at home. that being said, I cried when my father was saying goodbye to me, and felt a pit of uneasiness and lonely sadness settling into stomach. I like seeing friends, I like living in the city, I like going to school, but all I wanted after my dad left was for him to turn around and bring me home.

I feel better today, less sad and less uneasy. a good night's sleep and a clean room made waking up easier. and now I feel even better, and guess why? I got hired at for an internship only a few blocks away.

it's a blogging and social media gig, and I think I might actually be good at this. my new boss said he was surprised by how good my writing was for a sophomore. I don't know what sophomores he was reading, but I don't think mine is really anything special. but anyway, the point is that I have at least one good thing happening in my life this semester, and I'm hoping that I'll find more things, too.

I ate crap while we were driving to the city, and the only exercise I've been getting has been carrying boxes from place to place. but I'm still staying on my plateau, so I guess no damage done. I need to sign up for the gym as soon as possible, and get back to my pilates. I know the only way I'm going to get down to my goal weight is if I eat really clean and the perfect amount and do lots of exercise.

so, here we go. let's do this.

packing to go

packing has taken over my mind and my room and my whole day. and I'm not even close to finish. I want to go back to school, but I'm not looking forward to all the packing, moving, unpacking, and organizing. the only thing I'm looking forward to is decorating. I like to put up all my pictures on a clothes line like they do on all those pinterest and tumblr. I also have lots of maps and posters and I made some fun quote posters.

wake me up when this is all over!

bad decision

guess who ate an entire bag of pita chips today? I did.
guess who feels terrible about herself? I do.
guess who took 5 laxies? no, really, you'll never get this one.
okay fine, it was me.

19 now

well, I did it. I successfully turned 19 years old. and let me tell you, the cake has got to leave the house soon or I am going to go crazy and get fat.

for my birthday my aunt took me to dinner and to go shopping. I bought new jeans at the gap, size 8a. last time I bought pants there I was at my low weight, and I was a 4a. really shows you what a difference 20 pounds can make.

but weirdly, I don't mind being a large size. I mean, of course I'd like to be a tiny little thing and fit into size zero, but I don't. I think it's good that I'm this size now, because when I fit into a size zero I want to feel like I deserve it. it wouldn't be fair to the small girls if a huge whale like me could fit into the same jeans they could. dress sizes are things you earn, not something you can just wish for and want.

has anyone ever seen girl, interrupted? it's about a girl in a mental hospital. winona ryder is the lead, and angelina jolie plays a big role as well. I had heard good things, but had never bothered to sit down and watch it. winona ryder looks really good in it. 

maybe it's because of the short hair, but her body is so androgynous, something I've always wanted to be. little and thin without much of any kind of curve. unfortunately, I've got a booty to make black girls jealous. I'd rather be like my sister, but without her big boobs.

but seriously, I want to be her. it's official. well. or maybe emmy rossum, I'd be her in a heart beat as well.

happy monday, ladies.

11 days left

my birthday is this week and so is my grandmother's, so we had lunch at ruby tuesday's today. I had a salad (60) and turkey burger sliders (400) and some of the fries I didn't know would come with my meal (100?) so not that bad, really, for a lunch out. breakfast was a fiber one bar (140) and blueberries (40) and dinner was a small helping of rice and chicken (150)

really the day was fine. except that then my aunt brought us godiva chocolate (her working there and getting 90% off is a blessing and a curse) and I had waaay too much. oh, and the crackers, and then the cream cheese, and then the ice cream. yeah. after the chocolate I pretty much just went into full on binge mode. it was gross.

so with a stomach full of junk food and guilt, I did a 10 minute jump rope work out and a 20 minute high-intensity aerobics video. then I did my usual hour of biking with a few hills thrown in. that all, plus a half hour of power walking with the dog, added up to around 600 calories burned. my stomach was perfectly cold, telling me some of the chocolate was being burned off for good. thank goodness for that.

that was the bad part of today. the good part was that I woke up to 153.6 on the scale this morning, which was really nice to see. I'm trying for 150 flat on my birthday on friday. the other good news is that I have 3 interviews lined up for jobs and interviews once I get back to Boston. I really need some of these to work out so I can make some money for europe. otherwise I will have to borrow money, which I don't want to do at all.

and! I finally got some brown leather ankle boots. I've been wanting a pair for a month now. my grandmother was a darling and got them for my birthday. what a sweetheart <3

more randomness-

blogs I'm obsessed with right now:

blogilates

matchstick molly

the hungry runner

spoon fork bacon 

carlene's figments

just some new things for you to read, since I'm sure you don't get enough time on the internet ;P

challenge day 23-

how did the media play into your weight loss?

well I don't know how to answer this. I mean, of course it did, I don't know how any modern girl wouldn't be affected by the media. but I can't point to anything specific and say that one actress or model made me want to be thin. but one thing I can say is, I want to be in the media when I grow up and being thin will definitely help my career path.

ps

missinsanity, I miss you. come back to blogging and my life.

dumb dinner time

okay. blogosphere, you need to cheer up. seriously girls, you control your destiny. a ton of people here have been super down on themselves and saying some honestly scary things. I know you feel that way now, but you need to find a way to be happy about being alive. I'm not saying this in judgement, goodness knows with all that I write that I could never do that. but I am saying this as a fellow weight-obsessed girl, blogger, and human being. please, do something in the direction of being okay.

anyway.

I'm home from the beach. and all the skinny people and the horrible rest stop food. I had two good days in a row if you don't count the times we stopped at a rest area for dinner. first reason- we ate at like 8 at night (how do people eat that late normally? some of my friends do that, but I get far too hungry to wait until then.)  second reason- first we had pizza then we had wendy's. I had a grilled chicken sandwich that I thought was going to be around 400 calories. wrong. it was 550. moral of this story- check the nutrition before you eat everything.

super skinny red-head ballerina was at the beach again. she is so sweet, but it's almost hard to see her. she eats like nothing and is so small, which I admire, but also freaks me out. I want to be small, but never that small. she also has a ton of freckles which she compares to mine, but it always feels like we're comparing the fatness of our wrists. and she always wins.

I've been making an obsessive amount of lists these past few days. lists of things to do, to buy, to read, to write, to eat, to not eat, to list. it's getting a bit much. I need to find a way to do just one or two lists. #virgoproblems

guys, my birthday is in less than a week! how exciting! I want to do something and not be a loser, but I don't think that's gonna happen. so I'm just gonna try and make the best of it and have lunch with my grandparents. haha I'm such a wild teenager.

okay. gotta go make more lists. bye.

bathing suit trauma

we went to target to buy a few things... 300 dollars later, we leave the store. my dad calls it the "target tax."

and we're off to the beach tonight, where I can wear a one piece and my skinny cousins will wear bikinis. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately, but bikinis know how to get me down.

promise to post again when I come home.

and don't forget! be kind to yourself today!

visiting and blogging

proudly I can tell you that I am having far fewer cravings and junk food problems. I went to visit my friend and ate about half of everything given to me.

R

b-oatcakes

l-sandwich and chips

d- chili con carne

F

b- oatcakes

l- 1/3 cup ice cream

d- vegetable & rice stir-fry

s-pretzel thins

okay. so not the most nutrition, but I am keeping the portions small and exercising a lot. I really want to be solidly in the 150's when I'm dropped off at school on september first.

I've also been crossing lots of things off my to-do list, which is really nice. each night I make a list of things to do the next day and try to stick to it best I can. it's actually a really satisfying way to organize the day. I've always been a list person, but lately, the lists are really going well.

only thing I don't like is my shopping list. there's so much on it and not much money to cross the things off. hum bug.

the friend I saw, the one I mentioned is going away to Scotland, is leaving in only two weeks. I'm vary sad that she'll be so far off, but excited that she gets to have such an amazing experience. we have plans to meet up in the spring when I'll be studying abroad in the netherlands. we talk about going to paris together, but I'd also like to go to munich or berlin or something with her. she's the best person I know to go to a museum with; she has amazing takes on things and really witty commentary.

who likes blog lovin'? I just started using it to follow more exercise and recipe blogs, and it's lots of fun. I think I want to make another, more public blog, one that my family and friends can read. I'd like to post links to my favorite recipes and workouts and all the pretty things I buy and make. but maybe I'll wait until I'm at a lower weight, one where I'm not embarrassed to post pictures of myself. 

more ways to reach me

follow me and other cool blogs!

upbeat

almost a good day. the calorie limit was 500, but that is clearly too low for a normal person, so I didn't make it. I don't hate myself for not making it, but I still wish I could have.
b- egg whites (75)
l- greek yogurt and wheat germ (190)
d- apple and popsicle (106)
s- fiber one bar (140)
cheat- tortilla chips with barbeque sauce (230)
my sister says I'm weird because I don't like salsa. I like to dip my chips in barbeque sauce. I know it's not as healthy, but I never have more than a teaspoon, I swear.

but the exercise was great. I did a half an hour of jump rope and jumping aerobics, which had me dripping in sweat. seriously. it was disgusting (...disgustingly awesome!) half an hour doesn't sund like much, but according to my fitness app, it burned 310 calories. I was jumping around in my garage and the little neighbor boy was staring at me, very confused. after all that I went for a short bike ride (-55), mostly to enjoy the wind in my hot face. biking is a great cool down in that way. so the net calories today are 377, which makes me very happy.

I'm going to see a friend tomorrow who is very shy but very smart. I love her, so I'm sad that she's chosen a university all the way in Scotland. it's called St. Andrew's, and she told me it's where Prince William and Princess Kate went to school. which is pretty cool if you ask me.

I also finally finished another post for my father's website. It was one of the most research intensive, I think I have like 10 sources on the dumb 500 word article. but whatever. I also applied for an internship today and scheduled 2 interviews for jobs at my school. I am not going to be poor this fall. I am going to get a job, if not two jobs, and be the most productive and financially stable person ever. I can do this without relying on my father for everything. I know I can.

okay, this post is getting boring. so here's some pretty pictures:

cheers to a good tomorrow,

jax

double

I went for a long power walk with the dog this morning, an hour with many hills. I had planned on a run, but then it was so muggy I wimped out.

my diet was okay, but I did have some junk. I'm just glad I ate nothing after 6pm.

then I did the nightly bike ritual of listening to an hour long program while I bike long rambling circles around the neighborhood. I hope the double cardio pays off.

day 22- lowest weight and the reason you gained
I was at 134 last august (that makes me so depressed) and then I went to college. I actually got down further briefly. I was somewhere between 127 and 130 for like 2 weeks. and then I got really home sick and started binging with no control. I gained until I got to 150 by the end of the year. I then added another 10 in may and june, just because I was home all day and feeling lonely and sad. I started losing again in july, and now I'm at 154.

nap time

I visited my grandparents today with my dad. I always love to see them, but this time it was sad. my grandfather is reaching the end, his lungs are failing and he seems quiet and more withdrawn. for 85, I think he is the cutest old man ever. technically we aren't related, but he is the only grandpa I ever had. I really hope he makes it to 86 next may.

after the visit we went to a cow poo stinking farmer's grocery. I chose items for a killer salad, plus some yummy fruits for the rest of the week. I like going to smaller groceries, it feels like we're being healthier and somehow helping the town a bit more.

but then I had a four hour nap. yes, a four hour nap. I fell asleep at 1pm and then woke up at 5, angry that I had fallen asleep and wasted the day. at least I didn't eat an afternoon snack, though. I guess.

as I said in the last post, I was going to try and give myself one bad thing per day to try to halt the binge problem. today it was chocolate chips cookies. I wish I would have gone for something less fatty, but hey. maybe tomorrow will be better. I didn't do any pilates either, I only did my hour long light bike ride.

I need to find a better cardio. I don't push myself enough biking. I know I should run, get started on the 5k thing, but I really don't feel like it. isn't that a terrible excuse? but I don't want to... so I need to find something else. maybe jump rope? I guess I could do that in the basement or the garage or something. idk, but I need something new. I can't wait for school so I can add the elliptical to whatever else I choose to do!

day 21- clothing sizes

I actually don't know many of them right now. but here are rough guesses:

t-shirt M

bra- 36B

jeans- 8? 10?

dress- 10?

update

four of us had a mini sorority reunion party last night. they all had water ice and pina coladas, and I was good and had water. what was worse is the one girl (who is skinny) was saying how she lost ten pounds this summer. I've only lost six. grr

but don't worry, no cause for alarm, because I did mess up my good behavior from yesterday with a binge today. I had half the container of cookies today because I just couldn't stop my hands from stuffing my mouth. I am such a pig. I'll most likely be up a pound.

I also got the haircut yesterday, even though I wasn't at my goal. wanna see?

the shirt is my new letters that I ordered. i'm excited to have pretty things to wear during rush! (sorry to all of you who don't like greek stuff, I can't help it :/ )

I've decided all this flitting back and forth between good days and bad days is doing me no good (obviously) so I'm going for a more level-headed approach of one bad item each day so that I'm less likely to have a full binge. so I can choose if I want carbs with dinner, ice cream after lunch, chips with my sister while we watch dumb reality shows, or whatever else.

also, I'd like to start training for a 5k. I don't know which 5k, but there ought to be a zillion in Boston this fall.  I did a 10k last year, but I know my endurance isn't up to that after not having run all spring and summer.

forgot about my challenge... oops :/

day 20- favorite diet
my favorite diet is the one I'm on right now, which is the surge diet. it incorporates a ton of exercise and isn't in the starving range for calories. I did SGD a lot last year, but it wasn't really working for me. I was too hungry by the end of week 1 I'd always up the intake which isn't really the point of diets.

organizing

all I seem to be doing is moving crap from one place to another. I like to be clean, but let's get real. bleh

but at least I conquered food today. no binge, no problem. also, did yoga during project runway. I don't normally do yoga, so I did an easy and repetitive routine. I think my legs already feel a little bit more flexible.

Tomorrow I want to do weights and a short run. and hopefully more job apps. HATE doing that. It's so degrading (maybe not everyone feels this way, but I feel that way.)

Get some sleep tonight, beautiful girls.

lack luster

I binged again when I swore I wouldn't. I ate all the fudge out of the ice cream, which is going to make the next person who wants ice cream real angry.

and for breakfast? we went to a place called piggy's. yeah. piggy's. meaning nothing healthy on the menu. I had eggs and toast, but fell to the seduction of the home fries and the fresh warm mini blueberry muffins. oh, it was so good! but I felt so bad afterwards.

in typical jackie fashion, I've done nothing to fix breakfast or the binge. after driving home in traffic, I've been reading magazines and surfing the internet all afternoon. I plan on biking later, when it's cool. and then probably some pilates videos after that. sigh. I am not in the mood for exercise.

I need some inspiration.



oh, and I'd feel bad if I left out that it's my mum's 51st birthday. I bet she'd want me to leave out the 51 part. she'd say something like "anniversary of my 39th." Happy Birthday, Mom.

and I hate my thighs

I ate like crap today and basically lay around the mountain house with a huge headache. why can't watching tv burn calories?

ps- I'm stealing the scale so I can have two for home. hehe :)

boo, you whore

eh heh eh heh... I'm sick.
total headache nightmare and an ugly rasping cough. gross.

and because I am very stupid, I biked hills in the glaring sun for almost an hour. when I came home I had to take painkillers and lie down for a while. and then I ruined my hard work by eating left over movie theater popcorn. yuck.

we had seen the movie total recall last night, and it was weird. if you like action-y mind fuck-y things, you'd like it, but it was not for me. and I had popcorn. mistake mistake mistake!

august 4

went to the beach with my friends yesterday. it was nice to act like a normal teenager for a little while.

b- eggs, granola, grapefruit juice
l- half a chicken salad sandwich
s- fiber bar
d- half a caesar wrap
s- vodka, cranberry juice, ice tea, rum

so, as you can see, most of my calories were alcohol. which is just dumb, I really shouldn't have drunk anything. I should have just gone home and slept off my sunburn.

something weird but kind of wonderful has been happening lately. I eat like half a portion and then I feel uncomfortably full. I had to take two laxies yesterday after only half my dinner. I knew it wasn't a ton of food, but I just felt so full I had to take some.

I have two internship offers for the fall, which is nice. I don't know which one I'd like to take. but it feels good to have an option. I'd also really like to have a side job, where I can go and not eat and make money. the roots of my problem lie in having too much time to eat, I think.

day 18- weakness food
I have like a zillion. chips, ice cream, chocolate, cream cheese, granola bars, popcorn, fries, fried chicken, pretzels, crackers, pizza, peanut butter, pasta, cream sauce, fried shrimp, gummy bears, and probably a bunch of other things. I have a problem of loving junk food far too much.

day 19- last time you ate fast food
last week, when my dad brought home chick-fil-a when it was becoming a scandal. he was being a dumb ass but I should have controlled myself more. I had one of the chicken strips, which is 125 calories and a million grams of fat.

switcheroo

I told myself I wouldn't get a haircut until I was comfortably under 150. I scheduled the haircut for next saturday, the 11th. I'm still bouncing between 151 and 153, but if I commit myself to the week I think I can do this. If I don't get it done, I'll just do 2 hours pilates on the day of the haircut. sounds like a fair deal to me.

I spent the day reorganizing and packing up my stuff. I'm switching rooms with my sister this week, something I'm not excited for. we moved into this house when I was 4, and my mom picked out the room for me. she painted it periwinkle and picked out pretty white furniture for me. (you know, besides being fat, I think I turned out just the way she wanted me to, girly and feminine with classic sense of style. she was too loud and too strong willed to be the polite, quiet, ladylike woman she wanted to be, and I think she was hoping I'd grow up to be like her vision. I fit that, mostly.) then I carefully picked out decorations, creating my oasis where I spend a great deal of time. I painted it a darker, but still pretty, purple when I felt I had grown out of the periwinkle at 16.

my sister wants my room because it is bigger and there is a built in desk (that my father did for my 12th birthday.) she's been asking me since last summer, her argument that I'm away at college so she deserves my room. but I am home for about 5 1/2 months of the year, and besides, it is my room. but I feel bad that she's been wanting it for so long, and I feel like it's the right thing to do, even if I'm not emotionally okay with it. my father doesn't want me to, saying that I'll regret giving away my room. I think he just doesn't want to help us move all the furniture.

day 16- when did you decide to lose weight?
haha I have no idea. maybe since I first noticed I was fat, which was maybe around the time I was nine. I only started dieting and all that since I was around 13. this time round though, I recommitted to looking passably small in mid july.

day 17- do you have an eating disorder?
no, I don't think so. but I do have a very emotional relationship with food which I wish I could change.

passport and panic

say it with me... August will be my month.


I went to get my passport today and then to go grocery shopping. the lady was totally mean to me, treated me like a complete idiot. I hate that type of person.

after checking the state of my finances on my phone, I decided I couldn't afford the groceries. I started sobbing and tail-spinning, getting more and more upset. I drove straight home and drank like a gallon of water to calm down.

then I called my university to talk about switching majors. journalism scares me, so I'm switching to marketing. they basically told me it's hopeless and I tried really hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying. I don't think I fooled anyone.

I cried for a long time and my dad made me a turkey burger. (I'm kind of obsessed with them lately...)

the one thing I can say I'm proud of today (cause let's face it, I was a mess. and I didn't even eat well.) is that I made a gigantic list of all the restaurants and shops I could think of in Boston with their phone numbers. tomorrow I plan on calling until I find a job. I need a job. I don't think I can feel okay about myself until I do.

also- if you're a blogilates fan, go print out the august workout plan! it's real cute and organized.

peace.

shopping

there is an outdoor market in my town that is simply enormous. it's 30 acres and full of stalls that sell sun glasses, bags, plants, food, jewelry, perfume, phone covers, and just about everything you can think of. I went in the early morning, the best time to go. It was still very crowded, and people were pushing each other to get by in some places. I had the weirdest feeling the whole time I was there, like all the words had been sucked out of me. vendors would ask me questions and I would only smile or shake my head. I managed to get through the morning with almost no speech. it felt liberating, but then also it felt foreign and cold.

before the market I did pilates and took a shower, but I forgot to eat breakfast. oops. the rest of the day I stayed around 1,000 calories, but I drank so much water that when my dinner was over I felt sick. I really shouldn't have finished all that zucchini.

while the american girls were winning the gold in gymnastics, I was shopping online. I got new letters (shirts with sorority letters on it) to wear in the fall. I think I picked out cute ones, it's a dark grey v-neck with light pink letters and champagne stitching. can't wait to wear them! I also ordered a navy peacoat and annother sorority themed tee shirt. I'm getting really excited for rush haha.

then I spent like an hour trying to decide on a pair of boots. here are the two I'm torn between these:

and these:

I like the laces, but I also love the floral and the color... such a tough decision.

help me pick?

crazy bike girl

I had ice cream for breakfast. that should give you an idea of how I ate today.

yesterday we went to the beach with my cousins. I swam most of the day and only ate half of every meal. but still this morning I woke up to a gain. I know you don't lose weight over night, but it's always disappointing to see the little needle go higher than you want it to.

so after the bad eating today, I did two hours biking. and tell me you, my thighs are hurting.

I need to fix my relationship with food.

day 14- UGW and why
my ugw is 113 because that's how much my sister weighs. I know it's dumb to have that as my goal, but she's the one who teases me most. it would be nice to be the same or less than her, especially since she's just a bit taller. plus, at that weight I think I'd be like a US size 4. and wouldn't that be a dream come true.

day 15- vegan or vegetarian?
nope. I could never be vegan, I like my dairy and eggs too much for that. I could be vegetarian except for chicken and seafood. I don't eat red meat almost ever. it's mainly turkey, chicken, fish, and shrimp around here.

faster computer!

my dad fixed up my computer so now I can (gasp!) actually watch a youtube video without restarting the computer just after. yay! bring on the larger screen pilates!

kind of failing on diet this whole week which is really bumming me out. I really just can't help messing up at least once a day. today it was twice- chips with my brother's girlfriend and ice cream after dinner. ugh. I need to get my will power back. they say once you do it for 21 days it gets to be super easy. I hope I can last that long on anything.

"is it raining in there? it's raining out here, too."

we've had the most spectacular thunderstorms the past few days. the lightning cracks brighter and the thunder louder than I ever remember. maybe there is some weight to that global climate shift thing.

I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, we're going to the shore! I haven't been down in so long and I miss it. I love to swim and I love the sand. really nothing much better.

olympic carb-o-load

oops... had a half the bread in the house.

bright side is I mowed the lawn in the 95 degree weather. so that has to be a few calories right?

I was so happy to finally watch the opening of the olympics in London. I LOVE the Olympics, so I had a countdown going for a while now. the only downside was that I had to watch with my dad who finds it fun to make fun of everything. he makes dumb comments trying to be funny but I find it really annoying. like he says, I'm a professional eye roller when it comes to him.

but I'm really glad he's my dad. he's a patient guy who tries really hard to be fair and kind. I was reading my mother's journal to us and it was really sad. you watch as her handwriting becomes progressively shakier and she becomes less and less focused on what to say. I cried when she wrote that she prayed she'd make it to the next Thanksgiving, but I know from this side of history that she wouldn't.

in the journal she called me beautiful. "petite and feminine" were words she also used. I wish I could live up to her expectations.

day 13-
are you losing weight in a healthy way?
I think so. I try to keep my calories really low, which isn't necessarily healthy. but I do pay attention to which nutrients I eat and I try to exercise as much as I can. unfortunately I have a binge problem, so I end up taking laxies, which I know are terrible for your entire system.

ocean breeze

it's thundering right now. which is sort of a good thing because that means the heat has gone down considerably. but it's a bad thing because my bike is made of metal and I can't go on my regular evening ride. the only exercise I got today was walking around town in the 100+ degree weather. talk about sweating!

also, I ate some skittles today, a total fail on my ban on candy and sweets. good thing is I've successfully skipped family dinner two nights in a row now. it all comes down to good luck, but I'm not going to pretend not to be proud of myself.

I bought a tee shirt for my pen pal today, it's her birthday. I got a size large because those shirts run small, I just hope I don't offend her. I also picked up a bunch of post cards from my hometown to send to my school friends. I never realized how awkward it is to buy post cards from a place you live instead of one you are only visiting.

still haven't been to the beach. boo.

day 12-

what do you normally eat?

fruit and eggs in the morning

yogurt and wheat germ for lunch

meat, veggies, and some carb for dinner

fruit pop or fudgsicle for dessert
and probably some cheat somewhere during the day because I suck at self-control.

ps- 100 followers!! you guys rock :)

waiting for the city

Some sort of solution to my employment problem- I've started writing content for my father's website. He's offered me pay for each post I write, and says that he'd rather pay me than do it himself. I think he just feels bad for me. Besides, I need this website to put on my resume. My dream job is something like blogging for a radio show or NPR. lol. I'm such a nerd.

I ate a lot better today and went on a long bike ride. I hate feeling like I did after that super terrible binge on monday.

Oh guess what! The Olympics are on Friday! I cannot wait! Plus I'm planning on some olympic themed workouts :) oh no... my dork is showing again.

okay, enough

I ate SO MUCH yesterday. I literally laid in my bed with my bloated aching stomach and passed out as soon as I came home from my friend's house.

I went to go see her because she just had a breast reduction and her boy friend just broke up with her. so, really tough week. but then, as usual, I managed to fuck up. I had a fucking cream based potato soup and ice cream at her house. then on the way home I was so stressed from driving on the God damned turn pike with construction and poring rain that I stopped in at a wendy's to pee and get iced tea. then on a whim I also got a chicken caesar wrap. I am so stupid! do you know how many calories all of that food is? 1,246. that's how many. and I didn't even to get any more exercise besides my morning bike ride.

so feeling terrible I drank a glass of water and swallowed three laxies. I'm planning on doing 1 hour of pilates and 1 hour of biking hills today. I just cannot mess up like that again.

anyway.

I want to get an internship this fall. I don't feel like doing a pointless job again, I want real experience doing actual real world things. So I'm trying to invest a lot of energy into finding a paid internship that is somewhat related to my school work. If I actually knew what that would end up being, it would be a big help. See, I used to be a journalism major. but I'm not curious or brave enough to be a journalist, so I'm planning on switching to marketing communications. we'll see if that will work out at all.

my dream for when I finish college is changing slightly. I want to be involved in audio production somehow, like NPR or PRI or something. but I don't know how or doing what. I also have a vague fantasy of starting my own little shop. I'd sell something cute like jewelry or fabric or paper or something. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm not the type of person who lives to work. I like to have time to myself as well.

day 9- do people make negative comments about your weight?
my sister always makes fun of me being fat. but other than that, most people are just really polite. more than anything else, I'm doing this so I don't have to call myself fat anymore.

day 10- what have you given up to lose weight?
I really miss bagels. I don't know why I love them so much, but there is nothing I crave more than a warm jewish bagel with philadelphia cream cheese. mmmm

mountain high

I'm back from the mountain house.

we went on a lot of hikes and bike rides, danced around and swam in the lake. all which burned a lot of calories. plus, I skipped a meal a day and kept snacking to almost nothing. I feel like I might have lost something, but I won't know until the morning.

there was a digital scale at the cabin, but it's always read really high. it told me 159 when my one at home told me 154. this morning it told me 156, so hopefully my more accurate old school version will tell me something exciting tomorrow.

I need to get back to my pilates and WATCHING THE BACHELORETTE FINALE!! does anyone else love this show? cause I'm obsessed.. lol, I know it's kinda dumb, but it's wonderful.

day 7- do your parents know about you trying to lose weight? do they care?
my dad knows that I'm trying to be healthier and workout, so he probably has figured out the weight loss thing. 
I don't talk about my weight or insecurities with anyone, which is the main reason I need this blog. I find it to be embarrassingly personal and I've always thought it was bad form to mention that you were on a diet. but I also need a place to vent and keep motivated, so I go online. I'm sure if my mom was around this would be a different story, though.  

day 8- your workout routine:
30+ minutes of pilates
1 hour of biking

friday night

we're at the poke-a-nose with some of my favorite people in the world. I'm just worried about eating too much... womp.

we went to a BBQ restaurant last night and I had the healthiest thing I could think of, grilled chicken and green beans. Unfortunately the chicken showed up bathed in barbeque sauce. I never can win I guess.

Today I ran around a lot but I also had like three chocolate truffles... oops. My aunt works for Godiva, so when we see her we get to indulge a little. Over all though, I pretty much failed today. stupid family vacations ruin diets!

day 5-why do you want to lose weight?
so I won't have to be sad about this anymore.
so I can borrow dresses and look cute.
and all those reasons that make sense.

day 6- do you binge?
Yup, but I wish I didn't. It's one of my least favorite things about myself.

lines

day 4: your favorite thinspo and why
I like this girl cause she looks so graceful and complete. she's not scary skinny, just skinny in the way that is easy and natural and perfect.

today I rode my bike 9 miles and read for hours. nothing happened, but I find myself in this strange quiet space I wish I could fill with a poem.

but I don't know how to write poetry, except that you make
the
lines
short.

and besides, what do I have to day that isn't already written down?

pilates

All day erry day.

In addition to pilates, I dragged my sore butt to get my passport photo taken, got Perfect by Ellen Hopkins and Massive by Julia Bell from the library by the suggestion of Missinsanity. Then I went to the grocery store to buy some health food. I'm super focused on protein rather than anything else. Everything must be high protein low carb high fiber for me to eat it. I barely even look at the fat or sugar content.

That was what led to the mistake of the chocolate protein bar. It was so dense and gooey I felt literally sick afterwards. I threw up a teeny bit of it and then drank a bunch of water to keep the rest down. That was vile! I'll be avoiding chocolate protein bars for a while, I think.

30 day challenge-
Greatest fears about weight loss:

1) that I'll stay this weight forever
2) that even if I lose a ton I'll still look fat
3) that I lose the weight and then sky rocket up again even higher

images