good clichés

It was a costume party, and I was dressed as Claire from the Breakfast Club. I'm told I look like her anyway (thanks, to anyone who thinks so. she's so pretty). My costume wasn't so slutty, but I was a rarity. Most girls were dressed in next to nothing and the guys were too.

Originally we were off to Cambridge, but that got cancelled. After a few confused conversations and a lot of slipping around in the October snow storm, we ended up at a BU frat party. It was classic- a required number of girls to guys to get in, sticky floors, loud music, black lights in the basement, keg stands and jell-o shots.

I had two jell-o shots and one cup of beer. I didn't drink too much and I didn't dance with inappropriate guys. Some guy grabbed my ass, but I'll never know who it was because it was so dark in there and by the time I had enough space to turn my head, he was gone.

The other girls from my college left pretty early but I stayed to get lost in the madness. I figured if I made the effort to get there, why not stay? And I think it was worth it. I can cross BU off my list. Now I need to get working on Harvard ;)

We missed the t, and by the time we hailed a taxi (which took almost an hour) my hair was frozen and I couldn't feel my fingers and toes.

I ended up asleep around 3:15 and I still got up to go to church this morning. I went with prep, and I told him about my night (leaving out a few key details, though). He laughed and didn't seem all that surprised. I wonder what he thinks of all that, or if he thinks anything at all about it.

I hope today is productive and pleasant. And that this week is one of cheer and good clichés.

the rest should be unwritten.

I sorta just want to go off the deep end and party till I get sick and just have sex with everyone. Get skinny and get wasted. But I also wanna get healthy and balanced and do the right thing. God's calling me to stay straight and go to Africa and save the world. But Satan's calling me to just let go and let sadness and fake energy take me. It's a lot harder a choice than I make it sound here, but both ends have their merits. 

a haiku I wrote about my college sex situation situation:

my life is changing

there's condoms in my sock drawer

don't know how I feel

back to me

Last night I blew off plans to hang out with friends so I could stay home, watch movies, and knit. It was the best decision I've made in a while. I made myself some popcorn and sat on the couch, watching a movie on my laptop and knit an ugly scarf I've been working on for years.

I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 11 this morning. I slept for 14 hours.. haha I must have really needed it. I dreamed about dresses and going shopping, which is something I've been doing a lot more lately. I love shopping. I love buying new clothes, I love wearing them. I love imagining the person I could be if I only had those pants. And in this weight-maintaining phase, I can be sure that a size 6 will fit me for a while longer.

However, I am worried about money. I've spent a lot more than I've made in the past two months, and it's worrying me. of course, living in the city is expensive, but I think I need to make some cuts. plus I need to make better use of my meal plan. I have waayyy too much money left on my card for this time of year. I'm almost half way through it but we're well pas the half way mark on the semester. so the question we need to ask is this- how am i not losing weight if I've been under spending? did I really screw up my metabolism that much this year that I can't eat like a normal person without gaining?

This morning/afternoon I wrote some of my essay and went to the gym. I know, shocking. I burned around 300 calories, I think. So not great, but loads better than I've been doing lately. Bad thing is, the gym inspires me  not to eat. not like, eat healthy, but just stop eating all together. And I know that makes me lose weight, but I gain it back in like a week.

Now I'm listening to music from someone else's itunes library. it's great, I have access to like 50 people's music, and no body minds. I'm attempting to do homework and decide where I should go tonight, but I can't choose. thai food for my friend's roommate's birthday or an unknown party in cambridge? hmm. if it's a question of calories then the party wins (I don't count alcohol calories since I don't drink very often) but if it's a question of loyalty and comfort then I should go to the thai food thing. I just don't know.

Prep's been texting me in that nice, boyfriend-ish way. I forgot how much I missed that. I like having him, I just hope I don't screw it up.

don't read this, brother dear

we were just watching the premature snowflakes. for goodness sake, it's only october. and then he kissed me, full on the mouth like he meant it. suddenly we were kissing, open mouth with our hands wandering unfamiliar territory.
oh gosh. i'm still very fat, aren't i?
his hands ran through my hair and held me so close. his hands, his hands.
i wish i hadn't drank that milk.
he stopped and looked at me and told me i was beautiful. i blinked and said nothing. and then we were kissing again.
why did he say that?
at one point my roommate walked in. she grabbed her keys and quickly left. I felt bad, but I'd have done the same for her, not that she's getting any. prep and I looked at each other and laughed. "isn't it fun being a teenager?" I asked. he murmured that it wouldn't last, we'll grow up someday. i don't think he gets that that's exactly my point.
i wish i liked him more than i do.
he looked out the window and remarked that the people across the way could see into my window. we should move for privacy's sake, he said. i said i didn't care.
maybe i'm too reckless.
then the lights were off and so was my button-down flannel shirt. then i lost my tank top and he lost his polo. his fingers fumbled on the clasp of my bra, so i un-did it myself. i was so aware of his muscles and my flab. his beauty and my averageness.
why does he even like me at all?
when we were back to just watching the snow again, his arms around me, we talked. about relationships and what we've been through. he's a virgin. i'm not. he said it was okay, that it didn't bother him. i'm not sure i believe him.
am i okay with it?
he put his shirt back on, saying he was going to leave. i put on the flannel shirt but didn't button it. he said i was the sexiest thing ever. i smiled and blushed, but said nothing.
some boys are either blind or good liars.
he didn't leave for another hour, and we kissed and talked some more. when he left i put on pajamas and went to sleep, feeling just as happy as i did insecure.

the truth is

i've been:
eating far too much- I had almost 1700 calories yesterday. and it's like that's the new norm. I think I need to restrict again. no. I know I need to restrict again. but I'm too emotionally weak to not eat. (that's not an excuse... I'm just a failure)
exercising far too little- I haven't been to the gym in the month of October. yeah. I suck. I have run outside quite a bit, but I need to do it with regularity. no one looks good without hard work, and I haven't been putting in proper effort.
flirting with too many boys- people think I'm going out with 3 different boys. that's how disgustingly flirty I've been. I'm addicted to feeling beautiful, even if it's fake.
avoiding the one who actually likes me- prep is so nice. and he really like me, which I don't understand at all. he's so perfect but he's ruining his image by putting his arm around my fat shoulders. I want to yell at him to go find someone beautiful, but I'm much too selfish for that.
lying to everyone- my family, my friends, it needs to stop. I want them to respect me, so I don't tell them the truth about where I go and what I do and what I eat.
(including myself) -telling myself it's going to be okay when it obviously won't be. telling myself I'm beautiful when I'm not. you get the idea.
making too many plans- I have so much stuff going on. work, school, the paper, friends, dates, church, family. blah blah blah. I'm busy. but I also have so many things I want to do!
procrastinating too much- yeah. I need to stop doing that.
ignoring what's most important to me- I need to start reading the word more and praying more often. my relationship with God is the most important part of my life, but I keep letting other things get ahead on the list. I need to prioritize.
failing all my school work- I don't get it. I work hard and get terrible grades. why is everyone else so much smarter than me?


see why I'm worthy of so much hate?

hello hurricane

today was a good day. or at least it was food-wise. I had some cereal for breakfast and a hummus and chicken wrap for dinner with milk. and that's it. good day.

funny thing is, I'm planning on binging. I'm gonna go have some cookies in the common room and then gorge on goldfish and hot apple cider with my friends. yeah. I know I'm terrible at this. I'm just sort of accepting my defeat and making it a part of me. I sound pathetic and defeatist, but what else is new?

I've taken to digging my finger nails into my skin until I bleed. it's great, I can feel the pain anytime I think I need to. no one notices that you're gripping your arm so tight that your knuckles are turning white and and your arm is bleeding. I never thought I'd be the type to self harm. but it's the only way to distract myself from the ocean of thoughts that's drowning me.

i need a little something

all I need is a bitter song, to make me better. much better.


I was feeling happy today. I even ate a normal day's worth of food. no binging, no restricting. and then it stopped working. the hot air holding me up turned cold.

i think i need help

english breakfast, spanish brownstone

I'm beginning to think that journalism isn't going to work out for me. I'm really just not good enough. I know that sounds like just a cop out, and that I should give it more of a shot. (and I'm going to give it more of a shot) it's just that in this moment it feels completely hopeless.

I finally found a real friend. James, or as he likes to be called, J ("it's just one letter, simple and clean") is a funny quirky guy who seems to enjoy my company for one reason or another. And I'm glad, because he's really cool. He's the one I stayed up with all night on friday night with. we just got back from breakfast together.

thanks for the nice, if a bit angry sounding, comments on the last post. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, not limited to what I talk about here. I'm not strong enough to deal with it all, so I'm falling apart.
this guy from my christian fellowship group told me God uses our low points to reveal himself to us. but why do I keep coming back to this low? why am I always here? It feels like I'm just bouncing along the rock bottom.

I ate yesterday. And I already ate almost 800 calories today. But I figure it'll just have to be one of those where I eat more in the morning and not much at night. or at least I can hope.

I, made of glass

I sobbed so hard and he prayed and I listened. He told me I need to be confident in where the Lord is taking me. He told me I need to find my self worth.
what worth? I'm not worth anything.


I ate some spaghetti and lemonade. And a whole lot of cookies when I felt like I was going to just die. die of what, I don't know. But at that point I had been awake for 42 hours. Can you die of dizzy sleep deprivation? probably.

I went to a costume party dressed as winter. mostly it was a chance for a girl down the hall to play barbie on a real human being.

I like the curly hair and make-up. but make-up doesn't make you beautiful, it makes you look like a polished version of what ever's underneath. and you can't polish shit, as they say.

I don't want to fall apart anymore.

sunrise

Last night... where do I even begin?

(let's start at the very beginning, that's a very good place to start...)


I went to dinner with prep before this church thing that we do on Friday nights. I ate a salad and some white rice. I also had some milk.
We went to the church thing, and I had an average time.
After, a group of us got tea. Prep came along and told me I was beautiful despite the rain. I'm glad he's so deranged in a nice way. who in their right mind would call me beautiful?
Prep had to go finish his work before his job on Saturday morning. I went to hang with some girls. We had a nice time goofing off.
We went as a group to a "pep rally" of sorts. (the quotation marks are necessary because my school barely has sports, it's kinda a joke) and met up with some guys we know.
Most of the girls went home except me and one other. the boys, plus one who I begged to come with us named J walked down to the river. I fooled one of them into thinking I'm a musical theater major.
We came home and I went up to the common room, where I hung out with more people.
Then I stumbled into this guy's Steve's suite, I was tired and so sad but hiding it behind some giggles and energy. I just couldn't go back and sleep, I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. Steve and I talked for a little before J came out of his room asking about the noise. I forgot he lived there also.
Soon Steve left and it was just me and J talking. We talked for a long time, he's a funny guy. Very suave, but not in the traditional sense of the word. Around 5 am I was laying against his chest and he put his arm around me. He asked what impression I had of this night and I said it was nice. And he said that other people might think we were a little more than friends by how we were snuggling like that.
I tried to set it straight, I really wasn't interested in him like that. We kept talking, but things were a little strained, not as easy as before.
Then he asks if I'd like to go for a walk. So I go with him, and we watch the sunrise over the harbor.
Talking about all the things that really matter most, like life and love and happiness and then the Holy Ghost.
After the sun was a few centimeters from the horizon, we walked back home and got some Starbucks. We sat and talked more, sweet and easy like old friends.
Finally, at 10 am, we said goodnight and went back to go to sleep.

I have a costume party tonight. I'm going as queen frostine and some girl down the hall is doing my make up. I'm excited.
what was last night? none of it makes much sense. I don't know if J and I are friends, or just two people who shared an evening.

i want

bingebingebinge. clear girl, you spoke too soon.

I had fried chicken and ice cream yesterday. the madness needs to stop.

I wanted to get up early to go to the gym today, but that didn't happen. I kinda suck :P

Tonight I have a date with prep. we're going to see a movie, but I don't know which one. I really like him, and he like me (why he likes me is a good question, but not one I'm about to ask)

I want to live for God. I want to make a difference. I want to be somebody.

but I'm not brave enough

pretty enough

strong enough

focused enough

I want to be enough to accomplish all my dreams and visions. I need some self control.

I don't care if it hurts

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

99%

gosh I'm sore.

yesterday

intake- 1,183

burned- 590

net- 593

today

intake- 1,299

burned- 129

net- 1,170

i've been doing so much these past few days. I can hardly believe my own activity level. it's crazy.

parades
church
parties
protests
interviews
date
homework
arguments
leadership

what?

i'm getting involved in Occupy Boston. we are unstoppable another world is possible!

to get information: http://occupyboston.com/

10k

I weigh 140 pound as of this morning. Not sure how I managed to gain 7 pounds in a week. That must be some kind of record.

So in my depression I decided to go running. I was running/walking around the commons and the publick gardens for around an hour when I saw that a local university was putting on a women's 10k. Since I wasn't signed up I thought oh perfect, I'll just join them then. I ran/walked (let's be honest, mostly walked) the 10k in just under a 100 minutes. I'm pretty proud of myself. that's 2 hours and 40 minutes of exercise today and no intake.

Impromptu 10k's are normally not my thing, but I'm so happy that I did it. I feel rather accomplished. yeah, I'm still not happy, but I at least did something today.

I linked my Lose It! account online, so if anyone uses that, look me up. my account name is pauley.jackie. or I think it is. anyway. look me up, I'd really appreciate some friends.

small print

i feel so bad about myself but i'd never want to admit that because i hate feeling pathetic more than anything else and i don't know what i did wrong or why none of my new friends seem to want to know the real me or how i'm actually doing they just prefer me to laugh and be crazy and happy but the minute i'm not they walk away, i want to know them so what's so bad about me?

I didn't fast. who was I kidding? I absolutely suck, so how could I expect to be good at anything? And no one wants to party with a fat girl, so why do I even bother making plans to go out to MIT tonight? I'll just shut down anyway.
Fake it til you make it. (or until it hurts so much you stop trying)

11 hours in

My midterm went really well yesterday. or at least I hope it did. I knew the answers to most of the questions, but I forgot one of the author's names. oops.

I then went to work and helped a man in his thirties with borrowing while subtracting large numbers. It was our first tutoring session, but we'll be doing it twice a week from now on. When he first saw me, he asked the supervisor why I was so young. no one answered his question. It's a really odd situation, being a teenage college student tutoring an adult for his GED. It pits two traditional hierarchies of respect against each other. how do we treat each other when he is older than me, but I am in the position of power as the teacher? He's really eager to learn which is awesome, but I'm not a very good tutor. Plus, he needs a serious shower.

After that, I went to do an assignment for my journalism class. We had to cover a meeting, press conference, or event. I went to a block party for an up-and-coming area in the city for young business professionals. It was all over-25's drinking beer and talking. They were fine with answering my questions, but I got so flustered. I didn't know who to ask what question and I couldn't come up with a good string of questions, either. I must have looked so pathetic and out of place. After only 20 minutes at the party I left in tears.

I just felt like such a failure, and I felt woefully out of place. I can't be a journalist, I just can't. I'm no good at interviews and I have crap confidence. I need to find a better profession. Something that doesn't require courage.

I then walked back to my college in the cold, feeling terrible at myself. All the nervous happy energy from the kiss was gone and all I wanted to do was disappear. I popped into the convenience store and bought a 150 calorie ice cream, a box of cheerios and some peanut butter. Then I threw the fast out the window and gorged myself. I cried and ate and wallowed in self-pity. it was a lovely sight, I assure you.

After that I went out with a group of friends and had some hot apple cider. I just didn't care. not in the least bit. I laughed loud and talked with a swagger of confidence. Something came up about prep and I told the story. some girl even complimented me, "you're so confident. how do you do it?" I replied, "good acting."

I think I need to get therapy. This mood swing business is really not good for me. Plus, I need to quit binging like I did last night.

As a punishment for this past week of awful eating, I am fasting. I also really want to beat my record of 62 hours. I'm going for 72. which means I can eat again at 11 pm on sunday night. But I think I'll just stick it out til monday morning. we'll see. Another reason- I gained weight this week. like, a lot. I am surprised that it could happen so quickly. I'm like 137, which is absolutely crazy.

I need to be 118 by Christmas. How the hell am I going to do that if I keep fucking up like this?

I'm trying really hard to focus but...

he kissed me.

I've decided to go to Africa this summer.

he kissed me.

I had breakfast (tea) with prep this morning.

he kissed me.

I have a midterm in two hours.

he kissed me.

I'm fasting until 2pm tomorrow. (30 hours)

he kissed me.

I'm trying really hard to focus.

doubtful hearts

I had a lovely night with prep. he is a really nice guy. I just don't understand what he sees in me.

I wish I could ask without sounding 

like I'm fishing for compliments. 

or like I have zero self esteem. 

oh wait, that last one is true.

anyway

I'm doing a terrible job of losing weight. I'm maintaining 131. oh joy. I think I need another fast to kick start me again. Or I need to just follow the lovely diet I have laid out. that would work if I had an ounce of self control, I'm sure.

the gym misses me. I just need to find some time.

Home and Away

I had such a good time on the fall retreat. I love being with that group of people.
also- remember boat cruise guy? the one I was obsessing over? I'm over him. completely.
but! I found a new guy to obsess over. We can can call him prep, because he went to prep school. yeah. he even rows crew and live in New Hampshire. I love that. it's so cool. We went swimming at midnight in the freezing lake together and then later when we were sitting together around the fire to get warm he put his arm around me. everyone noticed and was asking me questions, but I didn't know what happened anymore than they did.
girls who I hang out with ask me how do you get all these guys? and I just laugh and say oh, just being my charming self. honestly, I think I just try harder. but I think what they mean to ask with that question is how do you, of all people, manage to flirt with cute boys? you're so ugly and fat and uninteresting.


and look at this lovely middle school-style note I received:

I think it was prep that wrote it. but I also feel like it was a joke by someone. just to see how I would react. or to make me feel better about myself since they knew I'd never have a real secret admirer. I don't know.

I saw pictures from the trip and I look absolutely horrendous. I need to lose some serious weight! I'm doing Giovanni's which is on my "Where I'm Going" page at the top. today is 300, not counting fruit. I had an apple so far.

my suite mate left. She went back to Maine. it really stinks because she was the one who I got along with best. she is so cool and she had bulimia in high school so she understands what I'm going through. she'd ask me how I was doing and actually get it. and she and I were the only ones who'd had a serious relationship before in my suite so she would talk to me about that a lot. it was just a nice friendship. I'm gonna miss her so much.

plus, I'm worried about what's gonna happen to her. She's in a bad relationship and she's not going to school. I'm so fearful for her future. But I know God has a plan for her life, and He will find a way to touch her heart through all this. I just wish there didn't have to be this period of pain in between now and then.

I think I'm gonna go eat something low cal in the dining hall. the whole starve binge thing WILL NOT HAPPEN this week. I'm gonna restrict in a logical way. and everything will be perfect. here we go.