Resolutions

I'm making this list public so you people can hold me to it-

finish 5 radio pieces pre-emerson

stop procrastinating

*get above an 80 on all midterms, finals, and mp grades

keep my room clean

make bed

sort out dresser

join track team

throw 20 ft in shot-put

buy all friends/family great bday presents

start knitting again

*be nice to maggie h.

get drivers license (before chris lol)

resist temptation to cut my hair short again

**lose weight (real shocker, huh?)

size 6 prom dress

cute fame costume

dress better

stop self deprecating comments

better time management

especially for work

keep in touch with people better

7 Deadly Sins

I have all the symptoms of post-holiday zombietosis. sloth- check, gluttony-check, wrath- check, greed- check, pride- check, lust-check, envy- check. The seven deadly sins got me in the end, but somehow I'm still walking around. I'm a zombie.

My first and capitol sin is most definitely sloth. I have been lazing around for 3 days now, getting next to nothing completed. I am the model of slovenly with my frizzy hair, all-day pj's, and fluffy pink slippers.

Next I have my gluttony. I haven't eaten a real meal since Christmas dinner. since then, I've gotten up at noon and eaten only chocolate chip cookies (making them is my one accomplishment of these past few days), hershey kisses, orange juice, and popcorn. yup, it's a near all-chocolate diet, it's gross, and completely unhealthy.

Then I have wrath, which isn't really wrath per say, more of a channeled annoyance turned inner anger directed at my little sister. she has become the most annoying and irritating thirteen year old brat ever. I know her behavior is cosmic justice for my own teenie-bopper drama, but still. does she have to so annoying?

next is greed coupled with envy. which is fairly easy to do post christmas. you see cool things on TV and cool things other people got, you then get jealous, and then you start counting your christmas earnings from uninspired relatives. you look at, feel up, and dream about all the things you have while simultaneously plotting your next purchases and gift lists. it's an awful consumer cycle, and I'm guilty of it. I guess thats why I'm dead.

Pride isn't my worst sin of the moment. The weak spot with this sin came on Christmas when all the relatives were praising me on my acceptance to college. When they congratulated me, I felt my ego swell and I was soon gushing with all the delightful details of the school. I was sure never to leave out how great I am for being accepted. All my amazing grades a so-called writing skills. I'm glowy, gloaty and guilty, what can I say?

I suppose I'm not really guilty of lust, but I could stretch it to say that I've fallen in love with skinny girls on TV recently. I mean, I've always liked them the way normal people do, but lately I just am in love with them. I want to just stare and stare and somehow become their clothes and jewelry just to be around them all the time. I'm a commercial junky, and I love models. It baffles me how anyone who looks that amazing would ever feel otherwise. I was watching ANTM and one of the girls was saying how she never felt beautiful before but she was skinny as a stick with a face to die for. I just don't get it.

random and doesn't fit with the post but I liked it-

"They came with hatchets hidden in their socks. We didn't know it at the time, but from the very beginning they weren't looking to make friends with us. Rather it was the opposite they were seeking, in their eyes we were never going to make it out of this twisted relationship alive."

Ana

I have this obsession with a size 6 prom dress. size 6 really isn't even that small. it's like average on the chubby side (at least for my height...) because with my build and height i should be so much smaller than I am.

I know that being skinny isn't always great. it's one of those suffering terrible things when girls starve themselves. but right or wrong (and I know you'll say I'm wrong) I find it so romantic. it's physical and graceful and controlled. it's the ultimate self control. it's the type i dream of. the type that can only be photographed in black and white.

At least while they're suffering, they look pretty while they're doing it. I look more like a depressed whale.

The trouble with matching is that the other person can always pull it off better than me. if everyone wears the same black dress, it's easier to compare and see how wide and nasty I am. And my sister is beautiful and long and thin and tan. i'm short and chubby with a forgettable face.

i could have had everything. i could have been queen of high school if i had been skinny. If I wasn't a gluttonous pig. i would be happier and better if i had been skinny.

But i'll keep lying to myself. I'll say that I'm average when the voice in my head knows i'm not. i'll try to diet, but I know it'll fail. i'm too afraid to stick my finger down my throat. I'll run and lose a few pounds, but they'll be back in a few weeks anyway. I'm a lost cause. and an ugly one at that.

The Art of Being Invisible

You start by ceasing to talk to people. Not in an abrupt manner, but gradually. Then you get a little frosty so that they keep away. But remember not to make an impression with this cold shoulder, a chill that keeps them away but doesn't make them think about why you're so mean.

This step is crucial- don't look sad or upset, just neutral. For some this may be difficult, so here are a few tips: When asked a question, give a neutral answer that is cliche but slightly happy. For example, if asked why you seem so quiet tell them you're "super tired from a family party you went to last night... all those cousins, you know how it goes." Avoid drab clothing, try to look like everyone else, with clothing no one would comment on just for conversation. And if ever asked where you got something, say Macy's. It's neutral and has very little to talk about in it.

Next, keep up an appearance of business so you aren't stuck in a social situation. This won't go on very long though, just until you are considered never available and they forget about you.

If possible, get a job in a nondescript field, like "accounting" and always answer questions about it with vague, somewhat self-depricating responses.

Be sure you go to a large school and get a room mate who loves to party- this way they will go out all the time and forget about you after the first few invites. Another up side to this choice is that you will over hear some excellent gossip when they forget you are in the room and listening to their loud phone conversation.

With these tips, and some practice, you'll be invisible in no time. People won't even get out the way when you say "excuse me". The key is to be as boring and nondescript as possible, keeping everything casual and forgettable. Good luck!

Majority

The tough thing about being in the majority is being wrong. You feel terrible for things that others cut from the same stone have done. I'm white and straight and I'm Christian and Scottish and I'm rich. If I were a guy, I would be in a group of people that has hardly ever gotten any mistreatment. I am among the upper class, the the oppressors, the majority of today. It makes me feel terrible and squeemish when slavery or gay rights or poverty come up. I'm the one who has to feel shameful, even if I personally didn't do anything wrong.

Being in this group, it's also hard to break away without feeling unappreciative or like a brat. If I decide that Christianity isn't right for me, or that I don't feel like I should be blamed for oppression of other races then I look terrible. I'm a reluctant WASP, the classic dissenter.

I've been thinking lately that I can't accept Christianity even though I want to. The point of the bible is that everything in there is supposed to be true. There are so many tough issues in there, and the bible has answers to a lot of them. But sometimes I don't agree. It comes down to the questions of right or wrong and faith or doubt. Even though I want to believe that God is out there and that he loves me, I can't support intolerance to gays or being subordinate to men. It doesn't fit with my sense of right and wrong, and I cannot accept it. And if part of the bible isn't true, I can't pick and choose what to believe.

The Reason Why I'm Crying Right Now

im crying because i was watching a tv show and a woman shows up to her girlfriend's house and asks if they can be together again, even though they broke up, and even though the girlfriend missed the woman she slammed the door in her face and it was just so sad because the woman was rejected and it made me cry because her look was so hurt and i couldnt stand it and then i started thinking that it'll hurt me almost as much as that woman losing her girlfriend for me to get the rejection letter in the mail from emerson because i have all my hope pinned on it even though i know almost like a fact that i won't get in because i just know somethings and i'll be crushed and i'll always think of it my whole life and it'll be like safetys and peer leadership all over again except worse because i care more about it and then strait after i'll find out that i got a horrible part in the palay and that i failed at everything and now i'm thinking of how much i miss prateek and how he said that he'd call last week but didnt and didn't even message me to say sorry that he didnt because he doesnt love me anymore and so to make up for missing him i've been doing stupid things just to get attention but thats not really working because it isn't real and i feel so horrible but i can't help it because i'm going to fail at everything and i know it because that woman and her girlfriend couldn't work things out and in the end people you love will always leave you or let you down

(Extra)ordinary

she's baking cookies for the charity bake sale

she's daydreaming in class of weekend plans

she's winning a swimming race at a big meet

she's finishing a novel to be published next year

she's painting her toenails pink with sparkles

she's building a birdhouse for the tree out back

she's writing a paper on the history of spain

she's shopping for the prettiest prom dress ever

she's beating her all her brohters at monopoly

she's calling her crush to say hello how are you

she's babysitting 6 kids for and hour and a half

she's painting a portrait of her mother in white

she's running the mile for a new school record

she's helping her grandmother move furniture

she's making the honor roll every single quarter

she's laughing with friends at a comedy movie

she's tying her shoes with double strong knots

she's doing a front flip on her cousin's trampoline

she's eating fresh salmon with lemon and rice

she's taking the sat tests on saturday morning

she's just your ordinary super hero in diguise

Thanks

I was born just 500 years, 10 months, and 12 days after Columbus discovered America. Just 129 years, 1 month, and 17 days (approximately) after Columbus set foot in the new world, the pilgrims celebrated the first thanksgiving in their new home. Through all they had endured in the 1 year, 2 months and 23 days since they had left mother England, including the deaths of more than half of those who had originally set sail, the pilgrims were thankful for the gifts God had given them. They had gotten a great deal of help from their new friend Squanto, who despite his own deeply troubling hardships had aided the people that now made a home in his former land.

I am thankful for the friends that helped me through this year and all the hardships it held. Even if they were only there for a short time, fleeting and dizzying, I am thankful. For those who stayed through it all, all my crazy. I am thankful I am still here to see my wonderful family. I am thankful for having these two months of hope for a successful future while I wait for acceptance or rejection letters. I am thankful for my country even through the hardship and the topsy-turvy political landscape. I am thankful that I am able to forget the things I am so thankful for because I have so much of it.

So 1 day and 22 hours since my cousins arrived and 17 years, 3 months, and 1 day since I was born, I wish you thankfully adieu.

Mountain Hill

It was that time when
we snuck out of the house
to lie on the top of Mountain Hill
even though it really wasn't a mountain
just to look at the big glass dome
and you told me
that one day all the little white spots would melt together
and that would be eternity
and I asked what if all the black melted instead
and all the white was gone
then you told me there would be at least one spot left
and that would be the one
that led me home
and I believed you

He broke the clasp on
my grandmother's pearl necklace
when he was kissing me
and I wasn't really kissing back
I was remembering the night when
you broke the catch on my backyard fence
when you came to my window to sneak out
at 3 a.m.
on a Tuesday
in July

And we lay on Mountain Hill
and you told me things would change but
you would always love me
and I said I'd always love you back
and then things changed the way you said
and I still loved you
but you didn't remember
despite all the things you told me
on Mountain Hill
that I believed

Hey

P texted me yesterday. I know I should be thrilled, and for a few brief moments I was. But all he had to say was hello and how are you and how is high school. after two months he only asks me whats going on. I feel betrayed in a big way. Now I know that he did think of me, but it was only in a casual way. Like a oh hey, I haven't talked to her in a while, why not sort of thing. Not an I miss you and I hope you weren't hurt kind of thing.

Buzzzzzz

A chaotic buzz has taken over my head. I can't get anything done. I think about pointless means and ends, never finishing anything. I'm trying not to, but I'm getting irrationally upset way more often than I should. I wish I had the drive to just get things done and move on. But I keep letting things go and making them more stressful than they ought to be.

Case and point, I can't stay on topic long enough to finish this blog post. I know I wanted to write about something, but the chaos has taken me over. I just want to cry myself to sleep and just not wake up. I don't want to deal, even if it's just easy things.

Midnight Bowling

So I danced the night away. I danced with a ton of people just to have fun. I probably looked terrible, but I was having so much fun. I danced with Tom a lot, and he is such a good dancer. He kept calling me pretty, which was so nice. I just let go and had the best time. Then I went with Maggie to Alex's house to get changed and meet up with some people to go bowling. I wore Maggie's extra sweats and Alex's tee-shirt, which is kind of awkward because I hardly know Alex, but it felt like I should because it was all part of the midnight bowling experience. I thought there were going to be a bunch of people, girls and guys, but as it turns out it was mainly guys. Matt and Tom and Weston and Dylan and Dom and Alex and Brandon and probably other people but I can't remember. I had a really great time, but Maggie kept pestering me about other Maggie. She kept calling me her best friend, but I'm not her best friend, I'm terrible to her.

I was talking with Matt the whole time, which was really fun. I even did the classic pretending-to-be-horrible-at-bowling-thing just so he would teach me how. And it totally worked, he did the classic put-his-arms-around-her-and-go-through-the-motions-thing. He got me a drink and gave me his seat and got really upset about me possibly sleeping at Alex's. I ended up not sleeping over because Maggie and Alex seemed like they wanted a bit more privacy, but he was going back to total big brother mode.

Once, when college came up in conversation, I said that Emerson was famous for the amount of pot there and he said that if I ever became a pot head he would show up with his whole ROTC unit. He told me like he did before that the guy who hurt me was going to have to deal with him. I like being looked out for again, I only wish that I had Prateek back as well.

At the end of the night, Tom told me that he needed to talk to me on Monday. I can't figure out what it's about. I really hope it isn't to tell me to stop being a slut or something.

I got home at 3 a.m. and then slept until noon. I love daylight savings time. And I love fun nights like those.

Moving Slowly

I'm following that awful sound
to a place I know but haven't found
and I know this isn't what you wanted
all along

I'm lying face down on the tracks
I can't go forward, I can't go back
those things you wanted only did
me wrong

And I'm tumbling down the hill
because I lost all my free will
and all of this might make sense in not
too long

I keep thinking that things are going to change. But change doesn't happen unless you make it. I won't get thinner if I just sit and hate myself. I won't get work done just because I write it on a to-do list. I won't get into college if I only send out one application.

My hope is that life and high school aren't the same. I love high school, I really do, but people can be so mean. I am really mean. Maybe things will change on their own just because college is different than high school, but maybe it's me that has to make the change. Laziiiiiness is what rules my mind. How can I manage to only sleep and do no work? those are the thoughts I think. step up! I tell myself, but it's too much work to care, it's much too scary for me anyway.

I teeter on the wall that divides passion from passivity. Sometimes I think I ought to jump in and be involved and happy. Other times I'd rather sit and think and wear my melancholy face. Indecisive. I wish I were consistent.

Echoes

In my mind, you are the sum of all the things I never told you. I practice all the things I wish I had screamed at your ugly face. I think up new ways to hate you. I meditate on the reasons you were right. I plan a complex and intricate revenge. I compare you to all the evil men in history. When someone speaks your name I instinctively become defensive and angry. I wish I could hate you completely without a trace of pity or doubt. You are mine enemy, for you hath done me wrong.

New Job

So I got a new job at a restaurant. It's different than the last restaurant though. There are about triple the amount of tables and staff but about a third of the responsibilities. I think I like this restaurant better if only for the nice waitresses. It's just super tiring and kind of gross. You get food all over your hands and the trays weigh a ton. And then the bottoms of my feet start to hurt a lot and my arms were almost shaking from the weight and the fear of dropping the tray.

I broke a glass but no one knew except for the dish washer who helped me clean it up. I over heard two of the waitresses talking and the one says, "she said she has worked as a busser before" and the other one said "yeah I was wondering if she had, she's really good for her first night." I was so happy to hear that! I was so worried after I broke the glass that they would all think I was terrible. Hopefully all of this will work out and I'll be friends with some of the staff.

missing, wishing, wanting

I miss P. I miss him so much. Even though he was mean to me and he did what he said he would never do, I miss him. I know he isn't worth it, everyone tells me that he isn't. But I love him. plain and simple. I miss three hour phone calls and inappropriate jokes. I miss text messages just to say good morning. I miss the way he got so close. I somehow miss the way he was so logical it hurt.

He blocked me on facebook and we haven't spoken since mid-September. I know it's my fault, but isn't he supposed to forgive me? He does this cutting thing to everyone, but I thought I was special. Why the hell did I let myself think I was special? He might have said that he loves me but that must be gone now. Some divine force thinks it's funny to mess with me too, I sent him a package that never arrived. I don't know if it's God or an angel or karma or lady luck, but who ever it is, they don't want us to be friends anymore.

Today is a down day. Every moment I'm not distracted I fall back to melancholy. And that only makes me think of P asking me, "what's wrong, melancholy?" then I miss him more. I wish I could go back to the day when we held hands in the Bose theatre. I wish I could go back to the last time I saw him. I want to say goodbye a thousand times. I wish we never said goodbye, I wish he still loved me.

I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him that I think of him everyday. I want him to miss me and tell me he's sorry. I want to go back to the way we were. But I know that I'm irrelevant to his new life. I'm just a painful memory, a twinge of regret. He probably thinks of me only in passing and only very occasionally. I wish I were more to him but I'm not. And still I can't stop missing him.

Realize

It's that moment when you realize that you aren't beautiful. That you are way out of your league. It's that moment you realize that you will never measure up. When you realize that you aren't what they want. When you realize you're dreams aren't going to be realized. It's that moment when you realize the truth.

It starts with a question. Why didn't they just...? And you think you could have done better. You think of how they must be idiots to make those mistakes. But then you think, if I were in their shoes, I never would have been in that mess because I'm smart enough to stay out of that situation. And then the moment hits. You wouldn't be in that situation because you aren't good enough to have made it far enough to make a bad decision like that. You aren't pretty enough to have gotten that boy in the first place. You just aren't enough to even come close.

I once read a story about a girl who was checking into her room on the upper levels of a hotel. She was climbing into the elevator, and on the elevator door she saw the reflection of a girl she knew, a good friend she was excited to see. But when she turned around to say hello, no one was there. As she walked into the elevator she realized that the girl in the reflection wasn't a good friend, it was herself. The point of the story was that in an unguarded moment she had recognized herself as a good friend. I had the opposite experience today.

Walking past a bathroom mirror, I saw a girl who I mildly thought I recognized. I knew only that I didn't like her very much. As I closed the stall door I realized that I was the only one in the restroom, the girl was me. With a slight shock I came to another realization. The self-hating thoughts that drift across my mind casually and that I occasionally meditate on have become a part of who I am. They have become so central to my person that I recognize my own reflection not as a friend or even a neutral random in the bathroom, but as a negatively associated acquaintance. Hopefully one day that will be different and I can change this part of me. I will think of myself as a friend and not an enemy. I will wonder if maybe I am a bit self absorbed to be thinking so highly of myself rather than wondering if maybe I'm too harsh. My thoughts will be mainly positive rather than harmful.

My mood swings on the randomest of pinpoints. A comment remembered from months ago can make me eat nothing for a whole day. But a children's toy commercial can make me glow with happiness. I exude optimism and sunshine for a few days, but shut down entirely for the next few. And I know I make this realization constantly, but it feels as fresh and raw now as it did years ago.

Sitting

I've been doing things I shouldn't just for the fun of it. sitting here looking over the edge of that cliff I've been thinking about so much. It's so tempting to jump. Let go of all this and see where a leap would bring me. I act so out of character and it's so fun. To be a different version of myself. The girl who would say anything and do everything. It's not who I want to be but it's fun to pretend.

I talked to Vishwa today. It was exactly the way it was before. That makes me both glad and a little disheartened. I was just a friend all along, never really someone he liked a lot. He dated me for the image of it, having a girlfriend before college. It makes sense now that he never called me pretty or tried to go further than I made clear I was ready for. It makes me sad to know I was never really wanted, but it's nice that things aren't going to change.

I really just want to rewind back to a time when Prateek was around and still thought I was worth knowing. When I could call him and he'd say things that were both helpful and hurtful. Now it's just hurtful. I need him but I know the time when he loved me is past. But I'm still sitting here with my phone in my lap waiting for him to call.

Edge

Eyes closed, you breathe in. You breathe out. The air is cold and goosebumps rise to the surface of your skin. You are hyper aware of everything around you, the cars rushing by far below, the sirens in the distance, voices inside. Your eyes open and you look straight out to the building across from this one. The night is clear, but you can't see any stars. You step up, one stiletto on the ledge and one safe on the balcony. Then you are crouching, both feet on the concrete strip that protects the balcony's occupants from a fall into city traffic 40 stories straight down. You close your eyes, reaching inside your self for balance and courage. The invisible stars have aligned and you know this is right. You stand up tall, slow and steady, reaching two long arms up for a hold on the balcony above. You breathe the danger in. The thrill of calmly looking into the eyes of death. None of it matters at this moment, not the clothes or the make-up, connections and statistics and money. Its just this moment of chilling danger. You look down for the first time, taking in the glittering buildings and streets and the far away cars and people. Despite the instinct, you remain completely calm. A slam of glass sliding doors and the swooshing close of curtains brings you back. Sharp voices start, interrupting the peace you held moments before. You know vaguely that you know this woman, that her panic and alarm must have something to do with what you are doing right now. Your heart picks up pace and you are suddenly aware of what you are doing. standing inches from a fatal plunge, on the edge of the balcony of society's favorite golden boy. Your golden boy. You don't want to fall, the thrill is gone and fear rushes in. The voice is higher and in pitch and volume now, and you want more than anything to get down to safety, and back into the party. You tremble, losing your cat-like balance of a few seconds ago. One toe slips out, the spiked heel of your shoe catching the edge. You tumble forward, in slow motion you watch the woman scream horrified, spinning you fall screaming a little louder than the woman. You look up, watching the balcony get smaller. You go quiet, the yelp short and high. You brace for impact, knowing the concrete is near. You've gone too far over the edge.

Goodnight

So I saw Vishwa today. It was stilted and awkward. Small talk that made almost no sense. There were long awkward moments when I could have talked to him about what we were doing next. But I let the moment go. Over and over again I let it go.

Finally, he was the brave one. As we walked back towards his house and the Mcdonald's where my dad was picking me up, he asked if we were still going to be together. He asked me if this thing, never saying exactly what, was still working. I didn't answer. He asked me if I was happy and I only shook my head. The he looked at me. and for a long moment neither of us said anything. Then I said that it would be better if it was just over and he agreed. Another long moment. Then with this smaller voice he said, but I still want you to be my friend. And this time I agreed with him. I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. He told me it would be alright and I completely believed him.

Then we walked off to the Wawa to buy orange juice and ginger ale. I was okay, and he was okay, and we were okay. But just as my dad pulled up and I got in the car I realized how much I wasted those last moments. I should have asked him everything I wanted to know. Because in those moments it was okay, we were still in that in between place. Now I won't know for years when we hang out and laugh about the times we vaguely remember and he answers those questions which now hold no weight with answers that he is only half sure of.

It's the end of an era, slightly sad, slightly bewildering, slightly hopeful. I just hope these next few days don't hurt too bad.

Unlucky

Last night I went to a soccer game that was supporting a local girl in her fight against leukemia. It was really amazing to see all the support that the community had and all those orange shirts. People really love this girl. But it made me think about how futile it really all is. Wearing orange and and making posters really isn't going to cure cancer. Walking three miles isn't going to cure heart disease. Selling cookies isn't going to save manatees. It's really nice to put on that shirt and show support, but we're up against something thats bigger than us. yeah, cancer sucks, but people get sick and people die. shit happens. but nobody is out there raising money to get rid of hurricanes or organizing a walk-a-thon to prevent earthquakes. Because even with all that effort, we're still not going to be healthy, happy, blah blah blah. I know it's about research and awareness and all that, but is being aware of how many people die per year of breast cancer really going to change a genetic disease? no. sorry, but that's the truth. Maybe it's just nice to have a common enemy for once. Something without feelings or a face, because there is no other side to leukemia. I wish there were no cancer and no disease, but there is. I wish wearing a tee shirt and winning a soccer game were enough, but it's not. in the end, it's jusst luck of the draw.

I miss you

We could be alone together
Even if we aren't the same
You aren't like all of the others
You understand why I'm insane

I miss P. And V is only nice to me to be polite. He's sweet and he doesn't want to break my heart. M is sad and pale. She's waiting for things that will never happen. She thinks that if she stays quiet long enough someone will notice and swoop down to care about her every wish and dream and thought. I suppose we aren't so different. Except that she still cares about highschool and she has talent. I have wistful dreams and gloomy musings. The people who fill my day don't really know me. And with all the heartbreak and lies that have been going around lately I'm not sure I want to let new people in. I wish I could change the past so my future could be better. I wish I truely loved someone and that they loved me back. Someone who wanted me for what I am right now and saw things indidnt see. I wish I wish I wish!

I know all the things I need to do. All the changes I need to make. I'm aware of all the things I do wrong that I need to make right. But I'm a sad song stuck on repeat. I know I'll be okay someday but today I'm not. Didn't I say that last month? And the month before? I just need to get out of this place and start fresh. A change in scenery. But mostly, I need to find myself a best friend.

Cancelled

I'm going out of my mind. All my plans are cancelled and I have nothing to do. I feel like I want to cry. I was going to go to a concert and then it got cancelled. great. I was going to go shopping and that got cancelled. great. I am so bored. Either people are too busy for me, or I can't trust them. I had to lie to get out of doing something with Maggie because she is apparently a compulsive liar and I don't know yet what I want to do. On the one hand, she never did anything to me, but on the other, she made up some pretty shocking and horrible things to other people. how can you trust someone like that? So we'll see how things go. But for now, I'm losing my sanity in this limbo.

Never

I can't help but wonder what her bra size was. What color her cheerleading uniform was. if she passed her drivers test the first time. who her first kiss was. what her favorite brand of make up was. when she first got drunk. what her prom dress looked like. what it felt like to fall in love.

I came home today and organized all her recipes. then I baked the peanut butter cookies that were on a card she typed up on a typewriter. there were a dozen recipes cut out and cards in her hand writing. then I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory gets dumped and Lorelei comforts her and at the end I was crying really hard. I failed and she wasn't there to run her fingers through my hair and say it's okay because she failed her driving test once too and aunt patty was even worse and if you could have only seen her.

she didn't explain to me how to use tampons. she didn't help me pick out my prom dress. she didn't ask me how my first date was. we didn't fight about my hair style on picture day. she didn't nag me about making my bed last week. she didn't pick out the new carpet. she doesn't make Thanksgiving crescent rolls or Christmas cinnamon buns. she isn't going to meet Abigail. She won't make a fuss over my graduation pictures. She won't pick out my wedding dress with me. And I miss her all the more for those things I'll never know or remember.

Screaming

I'm screaming so loud inside my head but I can't speak out loud.
yell.
screeeeaam!
I'M SCREAMING!
I mad but I understand.
but I don't understand
I'm shaking
numb
the blood is filling up my ears and I'm blushing
screeeeeammm
muffles, truffles, chuckles
false illusions and fake identities
I salute you
jump to all the wrong conclusions
buy the whole world
i want everything
except for that, and that, and that
and not you either
screaming
i wish i could drift, but the first push is much too scary for me
I hate you
I love the way you smile and the way you wrinkle your nose and the funny way you sneeze
dimple to one side, how cute
achoo
bless me
seething
uncontrollably tame
don't make me do that, eat that, wear that
I don't like her, or him either
I don't like this
or that thing I'm trying so hard to forget
scratching and annoying
clawing at my patience
don't make me turn around
on a silent sea, ears full of salt water
all my silent screams
screaming
screaming
all inside my head

Slip Away

The desire to live is the craving for more. One more sunrise, one more breath, one more Christmas Eve, one more embrace. When deep below the thought process, beneath the conscious mind, a voice is saying over and over again "I want to see, do, hear, experience more. I want to live more." That's what makes life worth living. If I've learned nothing else, I know that the journey is more important than the destination, the work more important the product. But if you have no drive, no destination, how can you possibly have a meaningful journey or a meaningful life? Life must be over when that drive, that craving, has ceased to be a little ditty in your head. If you could disappear without a regret you know that life is meaningless. You are acutely aware that you are toiling without reason.

I don't feel this way today, but I know how easy it is to slip back into that mindset. It is a scarily close cliff to tumble down. When you don't miss anybody in particular, you just know that someone or something is missing, it's easy to feel like there isn't really a purpose to it all. When the only thing you truly crave deep down is for the whole thing to be over, that's meaninglessness. Today I might have drive, but I can let it slip away like it means nothing, and I often do.

As I fight to hold on, it's nice to know that outside my own head, people really do care about me. I'll never be able to bottle it or define it, but I'm aware that it exists. It's like gravity. The only way I know how to fight this is to find a way to care about them, but that isn't the easiest thing to do. When I feel myself start to slip away, I feel them slip away first. But there are moments when I'd do anything to save them, anything to make them happy. I just wish I could feel that way all the time. I wish I always craved life.

Touch

I went to visit Vishwa on Sunday. yay! I had a lot of fun, except for the bit on the train.... I was shaking and freaking out when I got off, I could barely figure out which way was up. But the rest of the day went pretty well. The only thing was that I could feel something changing. It was tangible. I felt myself pulling away, I knew that I was some sort of an embarrassment, I couldn't even hold his hand. I kept pulling away, only kissing him a few times. I don't even really know the reason in a way I can put into words, but I can feel it when I think of him or when he's close by.

We were sitting alone in a court yard, his hand resting on mine, and I did what I'd been meaning to do for a long while. I asked him if he was okay with us still being together even though he was in college. I told him that I didn't want to hold him back from starting his new life at college. He told me he worried that he was holding me back from having a fun senior year. We looked at each other and knew that neither of us were quite ready for it to be over. I'm still having fun, and so is he.

He is really the sweetest guy. He might not notice a whole lot of things but he has a kind heart. We were walking and I barely even noticed a girl struggling with four bags of ice. One fell to the ground and Vishwa darted over to her side of the side walk and offered to help her carry it. I grabbed one and so did he, and the three of us took the ice to the end of the block to her mother's food stand. The girl barely muttered thank you, but it was the type of thing most people don't do. Something that I'm not kind enough to think of. It's really the obvious thing to do, help someone who is struggling, but I hardly notice things like that. I'm oblivious, wandering, clouded in my own little world.

He Said She Said

P finally called me back. Of course the whole thing is my fault. My fault for the email. My fault that I'm selfish. My fault that I'm not patient or understanding. He makes it sound like it's all my fault and he had nothing to do with it. And I know he's right. He's always right.

I just feel like such an idiot. I feel so defeated and awful. Anything I do would be the wrong thing. I cried my eyes out, so I called Anna for sympathy. But before she could pick up I hung up. If I talked to her I'd only be proving him right. That I'm weak and I need someone to talk to all the time.

What if it's over? I'll never get to be friends with him again. I messed everything up and I have to pay for it over and over and over. Every time I think of him I'll pay for it. Everyone tells me he isn't worth it. That he's anti-social and weird. I know he's worth it and I miss him so much. But maybe he never wanted me in the first place. maybe... maybe I'm needy and annoying to all my "friends". They all just pity me. I need some advil for this headache.

Heartbreak and Love

"If this is what it feels like when it's over, then I don't know if love's worth it"

Is love worth it? Watching a friend go through heart break this week, I question the power that love has over us and whether or not it's healthy. He looks alternately extremely depressed and overwhelmingly defeated. He fell so fast and so hard. Theirs was a strong fast flame, the kind that made you jealous. They were so happy, so enveloped in their own world. But now he's been dropped out of that glorious colorful land of love back into the bland boring normal one, he's hit the ground with such force that it's knocked him out of his old spark and character. He's flat, stuck in another time, another version of himself.

Maybe love isn't healthy. At least not this kind. A love like that is like lightening. It strikes quick and beautifully, but with not enough power to sustain it, it leaves behind a shocked and burned victim where ever it hits. Berhaps its better to be a slow rolling thunder. Though not as beautiful or awe inspiring, it lasts long into the night.

I listened to an old broadcast from valentines day about love long into the relationship. It makes me wonder if I'll have the strength to hold on to one person for my whole life. Will I have the patience and willingness to make it work? Past the point where we both have changed? I'd like to believe that love can last into twilight of life, but that sort of love is rare. For long after the spark has burnt out, both parties are willing to stay and support each other in whatever that entails.

But hey, I've never even fallen in love before, how could I have any idea what real commitment is like?

Nothing, Really

I've been neglecting this. I don't know if that's bad or not. But on the bright side I have been awfully healthy lately. I've biked to the moon and back in the past few days. today I went biking down a highway with almost no median in the dark and was almost hit. Just after it happened I thought "I suppose that wouldn't be the worst way to go". I thought I was getting better. The past few weeks I've been pretty happy despite school starting and the Prateek thing. But after the bike ride I feel like listening to depressing music and leaning too far out the window just to feel that danger again.

I feel a lot better about Vishwa at the moment. I feel like I'm comfortable and like maybe things will be fun for a while longer. I just hope that I'm not ruining the start of this new chapter for him. I haven't figured out yet how not to be complaining and naggy without feeling like I don't matter. I need to find a charisma and a new attitude.

I still haven't started recording. Half out of laziness half out of fear that I won't be good enough. I also really want to get these cupcake books with super cute cupcakes in them. I want a lot of things.

Tear Stained

Remember the first day of this blog? How I said I didn't cry anymore? And then I did? I feel that way again, and for some reason I hope that after I post this I can find it in me to cry my eyes out.

I think worse than feeling bad is knowing you have all the strength to get over it but you just can't. And knowing it's just an old issue of growing thicker skin and dealing. I jump to conclusions and act like a brat. I put on an air of false confidence but just a layer beneath is a shaking pale girl frightened to death of taking a step, fearful that it will be in the wrong direction. I take everything too seriously and think selfishly that it all has to do with me.

On that note- P won't call me back or answer my emails. When I finally got a hold of him on facebook He told me that he'd call me that night. In a classically sad fashion I sat staring at the phone begging it to ring for hours but it never did. Then on facebook today (isn't it tragic how much that dumb website impacts my life?) he told S that they needed to do a skype date tonight. The conversation included a bit about her being his little sister. I really wish I could cry because in this instance I think it would help quite a bit.

Normally I call until they answer and try beyond hope to get them to notice me and want me. That's my M.O. But you can't force someone to love you. 569 and 10 money can't buy you back the love you had then.

(And I ramble on...) but I guess the part that hurts most is that he said always and forever. He told me he loved me. And I loved him for real. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I know that isn't true. Sometimes I feel with fresh hurt the emptiness of being without my mother. That's been nine years and I still feel it. I wasn't supposed to be wounded by him anyway. He was my person, my support. I could call him in the middle of the night when E had said something particularly nasty. But now he doesn't want me anymore.

I'm over reacting. I know. But whatever. Fuck controlling your emotions. That's not who I am. If I do the whole waiting to see how things turn out and not jumping to conclusions thing I end up assuming it's my fault and swallowing too many asprin. I'm glad I have you, dear universe, because I feel like a total asshole when I tell other people about this. Self centered and over dramatic. Only trouble is, the universe never has a comforting arm to put around me and tell me in the calmest voice that "it's okay".

Happy Birthday

Seventeen. There's something magical about it. Life is starting and from this vantage point it looks like one day I'll own the world. I'll see everywhere, meet everyone and experience everything. When you're seventeen you are beautiful and ambitious and love life. I just hope my seventeen is everything the girls on the cover of that magazine have and more.

I feel so good. So loved. My darling friends threw me a surprise party! It was so perfect and I had absolutely no idea it was coming. I know it's horrible that it took something so classic and huge to show me how much my friends love me, but I was so reminded of that love yesterday. I can see now that I don't have to let them go to find new friends and new experiences. I can love them and keep my old life, I just have to balance the old with the new. No more clicky eighth grade mentality for me. I'm seventeen! I can do anything I set my mind to.

Today I filled out college applications and I'm in the process of finishing my summer reading. The reality of senior year seems to have come with my Here-I-Come-World mentality. In a year I will have moved into a college dorm and will be adjusting to a whole new life. And I'll be an adult! I can't wait for the new adventures and possibilities. At the same time though, it's a wee bit frightening and sad to leave behind my little safe hometown. This is senior year, a drawn out goodbye, one last childhood hoorah before we part ways to the sparkling futures that await us.

Dancing With Myself

I got a whole bunch of new underwear at target yesterday. I have no idea why I'm so excited about this but I really am. I got all these cool patterns, like this one pair with elephants all over them. so cute. I was watching america's next top model cycle 13, which was the petite model cycle, and I was so inspired I tried on all my new underwear. It was so fun. I just danced around and modeled for the mirror. Then I curled my hair and did my make up. I wish I could put on that much make up in real life. I have these really long eyelashes and when I put on a lot of mascara it looks like I have fake lashes on. That's one of the things I like about my appearance.

But I have to get some of this homework done. I have like zero motivation so it takes me five years to get one chapter done. It's horrible. ughhh... how much trouble would I get in if i just didn't do it? hmmm... tempting...

Jersey Shore

Ocean City 2010! I visited with Jen's family in Ventnor, something i do almost every year. Jen and I jumped off the roof of the house into the bay to swim. We played monopoly too, which was really great because I won in record time. Uncle Scott started calling me Mr. Potter which I thought was really funny. Then I was dropped off at Ocean City where my family was with the other family we hang out with.

My Aunt Sandy's brother John is here and he is such an annoying politician type. He's sleazy. He talks about all the things he's done and the women he's been with and it's so obnoxious. He, like his sister, goes on for fifteen minutes on how they hate fat people and he mentions Obama health care at least once a conversation. And when the flood in Pakistan came up in conversation he said: "I think it's great. You know why? Pakistan is full of Muslim extremist weirdo's. They deserve to die. you know why? when the Brits divided India they sent all the Muslims to Pakistan and the Hindu's to India. Smart move I think, cause now we got rid of a whole bunch in one foul swoop with this flood." What a dirt bag. and his plan for criminal justice? Just lock all criminals in cells and give them the supplies they need for suicide and they'll eventually just off themselves. it's less expensive! I have to try so hard not to say something and fight back. He's the type where it doesn't matter what I say he'll always talk right out of it and do his best to make me look like an idiot. I just feel bad for his one and half year old who has to live with him. John's getting a divorce and I can see why if this lady has any sense at all. But the beach is nice as long as I keep my mouth shut and my ipod charged.

Yesterday I went for a 40 block beach walk with my exercise crazy aunt. I felt great afterwards, but on the way back me and my cousin were just walking together and this huge family of about 60 people were lining up for a picture. The crazy uncle (there's one in every family) called out to me to take the picture. I obliged and he had me take like 10 pictures. then he ran up and told me and my cousin to get in. He got us to lay out in front. Haha one day they'll look back and be like "who are those people?" Anna and I were so scared, but he was really pushy. then they invited us to come up and have some food and the crazy uncle offered me a beer. luckily by that point my aunt showed up and told them we were underage and we went back home.

Ahhh the jersey shore, what a place.

Out There in the Univers(e)(ity)

College visits college visits. why oh why oh why? I have driven close to a thousand miles in the past days with only my dad to see 3 colleges. And they weren't even all good. I saw Western New England College, Castleton State College in Vermont, and *sigh* Emerson College. I suppose the whole trip was worth it just to see Emerson because it was completely wonderful in so many ways. It has the best college radio station in the country and it is the heart of Boston. I loooove it. And it is so pretty, like soooo pretty. On the inside it is modern and awesome and a million miles better than any other school I visited, and on the outside it's historic and beautiful. But is the urban life too much for you? then take a stroll in the Boston Common, conveniently located just across the street. The view is fantastic and the feel is amazing. I love this school. love it.

But other than Emerson the colleges were bad. They both were far from everything and felt like just a 13th grade that happened to be sleep away. definitely not for me. the whole trip was bad too. We went to six flags in Springfield Mass and I felt like always do in those parks, like a disgusting fat ugly monster. Being there makes everyone look low class and trashy and makes you feel sick. I hate those theme parks. the part I like is the roller coasters, but those alone aren't a reason to go for me. yuck yuck yuck. my thoughts through the whole trip were that reflective surfaces should be made illegal because I hate looking at my self. I'd rather just pretend to be pretty and small and not squat and gross.

Waiting

Matt comes home tomorrow from the Middle East. Kimmi is off the wall excited and I'm happy for her too. But hearing what he says and thinking of how great they are for each other makes me really jealous and sad for myself. I want to have some one who I love like that. I know what I have to do about Vishwa now, I think it has to end. I'm not happy waiting up for him all the time. Even though it's great when he is around, the point is that he never is. I'm always waiting up for his calls and then finding that my phone is never going to ring, he's never going to text back. I know he doesn't do this on purpose, but it's still killing me. But classically, I'll change my mind on this in a few hours.

Louis MacNeice

The Sunlight in the Garden
by Louis MacNeice (1907-1963)(Belfast, Ireland)

The sunlight on the garden
Hardens and grows cold,
We cannot cage the minute
Within its nets of gold
When all is told
We cannot beg for pardon.

Our freedom as free lances
Advances towards its end;
The earth compels, upon it
Sonnets and birds descend;
And soon, my friend,
We shall have no time for dances.

The sky was good for flying
Defying the church bells
And every evil iron
Siren and what it tells:
The earth compels,
We are dying, Egypt, dying

And not expecting pardon,
Hardened in heart anew,
But glad to have sat under
Thunder and rain with you,
And grateful too
For sunlight on the garden.

I love the last stanza even though I can't really relate to it. Not yet anyway. In the third stanza I think the church bell defying is something about death. I have not an inkiling as to why Egypt is thrown in there but I love it. For some reason even though I don't know what it actually means, calling out to Egypt really resonates with me and makes perfect sense. the whole end of life/ twilight of life thing is really sad, but more in a melancholy way than morose.

dead poets... almost as good as all those dead freedom fighters we learn about, except the poets are less understood. and less famous.


I've made a new day's resolution a few days ago. I'm recovering, not getting worse. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that I am moving forward not looking back. I'm going to smell flowers and bake cupcakes and write short stories and conquer the world. I'm going to do things I feel proud of and love doing.



On the path of my conquering mindset I started my summer homework and baked cupcakes from scratch yesterday. They are really super cute. And I read a whole bunch of MacNeice's work online. I love him (as demonstrated above). I also plan on finding some stories for my budding radio career. I'm going to make my dreams come true all on my own and I'm going to be happy today as I set off towards my beautiful twilight.

Burning Bridges

I am a pretty terrible person. I showed up at near eleven for Audrey's party with nothing but a dumb card and a meager gift card. It was pathetic and I looked like a complete asshole next to what M and A and everyone got for her. Then I proceeded to act like a jerk. I kept thinking of horrible self centered things and not saying most of them. What kind of a person have I become if I can't carry a conversation unless it relates to me? I'm horrible.

Then at one point M and V and I went to the kitchen to get water and I said horrible bitter things about A's family. I was just so mad that she is so well off and I can't afford college. I couldn't see their faces but I'm sure they pretty much hated me for being such an asshole.

I don't fit in with them anymore. All the time I spend with them I feel stupid and left out and angry and annoyed. I'm not an honors student and I'm mean. I don't give a shit about the kids who get sick at our school, I don't believe in God anymore and I knowingly bash my friends who do, I am a just awful when I'm around them. I have a different mindset about the world and harsh judgments and I curse tons more than they do and I have a much lower moral code. Where the rules mean everything to them, I don't really care anymore. Frankly, it's annoying to be around them.

I know they care. Problem is, I can't understand caring and love right now enough that it matters to me. I'm harsh and rough edged lately, selfish and out of control.

Pumpkin Head Strikes Back

We went for all you can eat pizza at a cafe near my house. It was just me and the fam. We were having a really good time eating pizza and pasta and stuff and just joking when it happened. E and her sons walked in the door. bum bum bum!! it was shocking and eerie and frightening. All through the meal I sat there afraid. then we went out and I guess she spotted us, or maybe just C, but she yelled "hey! hey! aren't you going to come say hi?" I had a rush of pure panic and adrenaline. I bolted back into the restaurant and grabbed my dad's keys and then quickly walked to the car. I started shaking and panicking. I then texted Anna for some help but it didn't calm me down at all. Then i drove with my siblings in the car for the first time and they were freaking out and then i got more nervous and then it was just awful. I calmed down a bit but now as I write this I feel panic again.

I thought I could get over this. I thought I wasn't afraid of her anymore. but I'm so terrified. I could run so fast right now. I have so much adrenaline and panic. I keep saying panic but I have no better word. my hands go numb and my heart beats really fast and I get nervous and jumpy. I need to stop writing and calm down.

Blood Relation

My family- a love hate relationship. My motto for them is that they are murdering me slowly. Last week I had to fake cramps to get away from my grandmother and next week my Dad wants to extend my visit to American University into a family sight-seeing trip. gag me. I love them to bits, but at times I want to smash them to bits. Ca and I almost constantly fight, but in the occasional moment of calm she's still extremely annoying. I think it's the age difference. Four years is the perfect amount for endless bickering. Ch and I are only 18 months apart, so we fight occasionally but mostly we get along well. I'll miss him while I'm away at school. I think I might miss Ca too. By the time I'm in college she'll have mellowed out a bit and then we might be able to get along. hopefully. Families are messy but at least they will always be there for you.

Pink Sparkles and Flowers

I'm a girl. And being girly shouldn't be an issue... but it is. Don't get me wrong- I love wearing dresses, my nails are currently a barbie shade of pink glitter, I secretly am in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and my top drawer contains only make-up, hair clips, and tampons. But I don't really want to be the girl in a relationship. I love being held and I love being the dainty short one but I hate being paid for and worrying about weather or not he'll give me flowers or like my dress. the reason I hate being girly about relationship stuff is that I don't want to be that stereotype. the nagging, annoying, "let's talk" kind of girl. How do I get what I want without being such a, well, girl?

the other thing is, dear universe, is that V has never once told me that I look pretty, let alone beautiful. I know that it isn't true but I really wish he would lie to me. Spin me a nice romantic lie. Or maybe get me some flowers. I don't want a bouquet of roses, but when we're walking along, he might be the one that picks a wild daisy for me instead of D. I know that every relationship is different, but would it kill him to say or do even a tiny nice thing? I'm not going to say anything, but I'm going to start maybe acting a bit more girly around him to get him to notice. But Lord help him if he forgets my birthday!

Blurrr

yesterday today tomorrow
last week this week next week
then now when
day to dusk
night to dawn

Its that time of year again. That time in July when all the days blur into one long day. It's still painful even though it's supposed to be fun in the sun. sunburns and heartburn and a persistent sore throat. heh heh hem. I'm so lonesome all the time, even when I'm surrounded. I know that the end of the day is coming soon so I start feeling lonely ahead of time. I live for the phone to ring and read even spam emails now. my room is spotless and I'm running out of things to do to it. I haven't started my summer reading, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is sitting on the end of the bed. At least Vishwa will be home tomorrow.

I hate waiting for him. I hate it. I wish I could just not think of him at all and he would just be another person to be around like before. God it's sickening! it's exactly how it was with M before. I would hang on his every word and every tiny gesture and action was mauled over and squeezed thoroughly for some meaning. Now every word spoken and unspoken has momentous weight. I hate that so much. I want to go back to the spring when I could dreamily crush on random boys and none of it would mean much at all.

I can't remember how long it's been since I swallowed all those pills. A week? Two? I could just read back through the blog posts, but just using my mental calender I can't work it out. These last three weeks are a blur, a hazy depression filled fog. All this cloudiness is making me sick.

Sunshine

1..2..3.. Jump!

I jumped off a bridge and a lock into the canal today. C and V and I biked there from town. In total we biked 8.7 miles, which is sort of a lot if you think about it. When we got to the bridge we ran into this kid named Josh in my brother's class. He was 16 but he says he's been smoking since he was 12, a pack a day which just isn't right. He was crazy too, when we jumped off the locks he almost hit the concrete wall. And he pushed me off the bridge. I really wish C or V would have pushed him after that, but they didn't. Humph.

But over all a wonderful day. I finally got to spend time with V and it was wonderful. wonderfully wonderful. There were hardly any clouds (I have a nice sunburn as proof) and the river was lovely. I got to kiss him a whole bunch and he held my hand when we jumped off the bridge.



Okay so midway through writing that P finally called me back. So I had a nice conversation. Somehow we got on the subjeft of truth and lies and I had to tell him that I was lying to him about something, that I did have a secret. And that of course was that I have this blog. I couldn't possibly risk letting him find and read this because there is so much about him and things I don't want him to hear. But admitting I have secrets from him gives him more room to keep them from me. Given the horrible things he says in our more deep conversations, I dont want him to keep lots of secrets. He needs to find a shoulder to lean on, and I can only pray that he chooses mine.

What's Wrong Baby?

I woke up at noon and then proceeded to watch TV all day. I cleaned my room and took a shower, but other than that I mainly just watched TV. Well, and I ate junk food. I didn't have one meal all day but i had an ice pop and chips and cereal and orange juice and some cookies. It was kind of disgusting. And then before bed I took another 4 advil. Then coincidentally I was talking to Anna (only reader of my blog since D doesn't anymore) (hi Anna!) and she was all 'I'm gonna tell and do the right thing". And then I called P later to talk and I told him I was feeling sick and then ended up somehow saying that I took too much advil and that's probably why my stomach hurts. He started counting and he said if I didn't tell the truth about how much I took he would call poison control. So I told him. But I should have lied. So now both of them think I'm going to die any day now. wonderful.

P worries me so much. But I still love him. We talked until almost 2 am this morning. Near the end he got all truthful and open. Which is heart breaking. After we hung up I laid on the patio for fifteen minutes and then went to bed. I woke up at 5:08, checked what time the sun rises (5:38) and then changed into jeans and went outside. thinking the view of the sunrise would be better, I went to Peddler's to watch it. It was spooky quiet that early in the morning. But it was such a great feeling to be alone with all the shops. I came home at about six fifteen and made a cup of tea. It was too sweet so I threw it out, but the warmth was nice. I felt so sick when I woke up, worse than yesterday. My stomach hurts more and my headache is worse. I would take some advil, but that might be the cause of the problem. I don't think getting two and half hours of sleep really helps all that much either.

By writing here and telling P I'm crying out for help. But I don't want professional help. I just want attention. I think being alone here is an extension of my fear and loneliness at hillside. Everyone's gone this summer and I'm frozen in fear and inability and confusion to this spot where I'm losing brain cells by the handful. I cannot survive like this. And at the rate I'm going, I might not.

Cafe's and Diners

I ate at Fred's Breakfast for the first time this morning with Kimmi and Morgan. Then I hung out at the coffee shop in Peddlers (for only 5 and half hours) with Kimmi. Then I chilled at home for a while. Then I went to the Eagle Diner with Vishwa, Richie, Meghan, and Olivia. it's cafe's and diners today!

I was so happy to see Vishwa, but Meghan made me so mad. she is so mean to me =( I didn't kiss him but I should have. I really did miss him but I didn't show it. I forgot how much I like just being around him. Just sitting within a few feet made me so much happier.

And I needed it after the past few days. I've been feeling so sad. it's like a constant depression that I can't shake. I can feel it now too, but for the two hours with him it was alleviated. I took 5 advil yesterday hoping the pain would go away, but it didn't. I know it sounds stupid to say, but when I was swallowing them it felt logical. I don't want to die but a coma might be nice.

I was talking to Prateek and he told me he had a nightmare about me. that I would call him and tell him that I'm going to do it and then he is driving over to save me and then I say over the phone that I'm doing it and then the phone goes dead and then he wakes up. I feel so bad for giving him nightmares. But I guess it's true. I would call him last. I love him and trust him so much. But I can't see him all the time since he's so far. at least I can call him to chat for hours =) I just hate to talk about my problems when he sounds so happy. so I don't. not as much anyways.

I just can't wait for things to get better. they have to someday.

Poke-a-Nose

Like the title? Vishwa inspired me. I'm in the pocono's with my family and some family friends. We went white water rafting and to the lake but I'm still dreaming of home. I really want to go to New Hope and see Vishwa. I miss him.

Camp 2010 is finally over. It was draining but fun. I loved all the kids even when they were bad. It was hard to really dislike them the way you can dislike regular people. I love kids. Out loud I was wishing it to be over since I was so tired, but a voice in my head kept telling me to soak it in, it would be the best thing in my life for a while.

Somehow amidst all the craziness of the kids I found time to feel ugly and depressed. I knew that I needed to focus on them but my mind was on my thighs and double chin instead. I can't live like this much longer.

One Down

So I'm back from camp. I'm clean and tired. And incredibly bored and lonely.

Vishwa is busy all weekend. So I don't get to see him. I really wanted to. So I could remember why I like him. When we're apart I doubt everything. but all that doubt goes away when he's there. I feel like Emma Darwin.

I've had a Jesus overdose this week. and I'm back for round two on Sunday night. I think I believe in God but I don't know about the whole answering prayer thing. I really want there to be a heaven, but I'm not sure I'm interested in going. I kind of want it to just be clean and done. That's all I could think about Wednesday afternoon. I just wanted to be gone so badly. Kids and other counselors kept asking me what was wrong. apparently I'm bad at wearing a mask. I told them all that I was tired.

But it's an Appplebee's weekend. AP Euro party!

Smiling

What a great past few days. And I've got a lobster sun burn to prove it. I went to Marin and Dylan's grad parties and hung out with Vishwa for two full days in a row. We went to the water fall in Stockton and to the wing dam and trekked across the river so many times. We went to see Toy Story 3 and went to the diner and smiled the whole time.

Oh, and did I mention? I got my first kiss! I finally leaned in and kissed him. In the sunset on the wing dam. It was magic. If I could hold on to that particular rhythm of heart beat forever I would.

Having his arms around me is perfect. He always wants to hold my hand. Everything is so nice when you don't think about it too much.

But this morning I'm off to camp. So no Vishwa for two and a half weeks. At least that last evening was special. Hopefully I'll be able to post here next weekend, but it might not happen. Now it's goodbye my world, hello camp.

Good Bye I Guess

So I've been dumped. Prateek has basically decided he doesn't want to be my friend any more. He hasn't texted me out of his own free will in a few weeks and he is reluctant ever to say hi to me. When I text him which I hardly do he responds with one or two word answers. It's almost mean.

one reason could be that he is really angry at me for reasons I don't know. I might have done something to piss him off or hurt him bad enough that he wants to just cut me off completely. I don't know. Or he is doing what he said months and months ago which was to cut me off and make me mad at him so it wouldn't hurt so much when he leaves. In that case, which I really wish was true (because then he would care about me) he shouldn't. If he's doing it out of protection this also hurts really bad. One of the things in my life I have a really hard time with is people leaving or fritzing out on me when I most need them. I try to trust people and I give them everything but they always let me down. I thought Prateek was different, but I guess not.

I told him I wanted to see him sometime this week to hang out one last time before I leave and he moves. but then he acted like he really didn't want to. He said he would but he was so sassy about it and so reluctant. I lied and told him I'm busy when he asked about coming to see me.

Maybe I'm over reacting. That's completely a possibility also. And normally I'd call Prateek with this sort of issue and get some support since he is my guy and my most sturdy shoulder to lean on, but he doesn't want that anymore. He doesn't want me anymore.

Ribbit ribbit

Last night I went to Vishwa's house to watch Lost. We watched one episode then ended up watching the Princess and the Frog since we're such cool kids. We were up in his bed room since he has a projector on his wall. I felt like such a slut laying on his bed. I've only known him for a few months and we've been dating for only two weeks. We haven't even kissed yet. I don't know if what I did was totally inappropriate or not. But teenagers are supposed to break rules right?

The more I think of it the worse I feel. Am I so selfish I won't let him kiss me or touch me how he wants? I know my dad and other Christians say to be modest and take things slow, but the media and everything influencing him says to go for it and that a guy can do what ever he wants with a girl. I don't know. On the one hand I want a really special first kiss and on the other I don't want to be a prude. I don't know if he's right for me either. But maybe all high school relationships are this awkward. I guess it all leads back to the fact that I still can't believe Vishwa likes me at all.

I was sitting with my arms around my knee so as not to look slutty and pretty soon his arms were around me and had my head on his shoulder. Then I was looking up and he had his cheek to mine like back when we were dancing. I love his stubble. It's prickly but for some reason I like it a lot. He kissed my cheek a few times but I never gave him a good opportunity to kiss me. At one point I was smiling and he said "you have the most obnoxious smile on your face right now. I love it. It's cute." and I hid my face and blushed looked at him and he looked back. I put my head on my arm and he kissed my forehead.

He didn't kiss me, but I got something better. He put his cheek to mine and held me. He kissed my cheek and he had his hand over mine. He kissed my neck and I was so happy. I didn't ever want it to end, but of course it did. At midnight I turn into a pumpkin. Like Cinderella I'll always have that magic to remember.

Miscombabulated

I went to look for jobs with Prerna today and Prateek came along. Vishwa was in Philly taking his placement tests. I missed him a lot surprisingly. Less stress but I'm really starting to like him a lot. He's so sweet to me and I love it when he holds my hand. And when he does that hug with his scratchy beard against my cheek. I think thanks to him I will forever find stubble attractive.

But he weighs a hundred and twenty pounds. I weigh more than that. I could crush him. I should lose weight or something but I'm not motivated enough to do anything. I'm a bum. with a big bum.

So back to how I love that sort of hug from behind. Prateek did that a few times today and he kept holding my hand when his sister wasn't looking. when we were in the Bose theater thing watching a sales pitch I lay my head on his shoulder and I held his hand. he stroked my hand with his thumb. Then we were in Bass and I was sad. He hugged me that way and put his cheek to mine and I cried a little bit. when he did that a bit later in peddlers, Prerna said to him, you know she has a boy friend right? I was so suddenly sad. I love him. Not just as a brother any more. but he's leaving and I don't want to kiss him and cry for him.

But I really like Vishwa. A lot. I just feel like we're not right. but I have so much fun with him and there's no sister complication. Prateek is the man I've always wanted to marry, but Vishwa's the unexpected light in my life. What do I do?

That and I was basically cheating on Vish today. I wish I wasn't such a flirt... this would all be so much easier if there were only one guy. but there are several. I'm a slut. I may not be pretty, but I might as well get a tramp stamp.

Hopefully when Prateek moves and Matt is gone over the summer everything I felt for them will be gone. Then I can focus on Vishwa and having a good time even though I look awful in a bathing suit. And then Vishwa will go to college and I will be lonely and miserable but at least not having to choose between multiple guys. I'll go back to my nun status. Well. One can at least hope right?

Lightening

I hear them calling
Bells that signal something
Is it my white dress?
Am I late for class?

I wore a size 10 red dress
and he wore a red tie to match
I wish I had been size 2
and that I hadn't turned my cheek

You are going away
I dreamed of crying in your arms
and of you going far
of me alone again

I had a vision of a flood
my eyes were closed but I knew


I write P texts that I will never send. I feel things so strong sometimes it hurts. Other times I can't feel anything at all.

I wanted to scream at him that I hated being his token of redemption. But I couldn't send it because I love him. I will miss him so much, maybe more than I anticipate. I hope I can forget him and any love I ever felt for him, just like I started to forget my mother. This time I shouldn't dig up the feelings again though. The less I think of her (and him) the less it will hurt.

I dreamed of running to his house in the rain and coming in the front door and crying and he hugged me so tight. and I sobbed into his chest and he ran his fingers through my hair. He kissed my cheeks and wiped away the tears with the side of his thumb. I don't know who he was. I thought it was Prateek at first, but it didn't look like him. Maybe it was God or maybe it was my angel. I so badly need an angel.

Two Weeks Left

I forgot all my notebooks and novels to do any home work this weekend. and its memorial day this weekend. crap.

I've held his hand and he put his arms around me but I still don't feel anything. what's wrong with me? I really really want to like him. I really wish I did. And he is so nervous which is so adorable. but also annoying. We were sitting by the river perfectly romantic and he didn't even kiss me. I'll be in that movie never been kissed except that I won't be beautiful.
That and I feel so stupid being so much bigger than him. I could probably pick him up but not the other way around. That and Dylan said to Ca that he thought I could do better than him. Ugh. This is so annoying. Aren't you supposed to be happy when you get your first boyfriend?

Prom

So I went to the junior prom. I got my hair done (awful experience) and my nails. Then I put on way too much make-up and put on my heels and put on my red dress.
As I write this I'm trying to sound excited about it. But I was just looking at pictures and I look 100 percent disgusting. Yuck.

But last night I felt gorgeous. I felt pretty at least even if I looked bad. I had a great time taking pictures and eating food. Vishwa was really sweet and we had a really nice time.

We slow danced and danced fast. They did La Vie en Rose and it was beautiful. It got to another slow song, they did Forever Young. Then near the end of the song he leaned in and asked me "would you go out with me?". I said yes. I still can't believe it. after that we we fast danced we held hands or he put his hands on my stomach. At some point he was standing right behind me and he put his arms around my waist and his cheek to mine. We just stayed there and it was lovely. Then I think he tried to kiss me, I turned me head and he kissed my cheek. I just wasn't ready. It was so strange to think that he might actually like me that way. not just talking to but also in a physical way. I don't get why he would, there are tons of prettier girls out there.

I think the sweetest part was that he was so nervous. Like I was someone to be nervous about. So I guess that means we're dating or something. (some how I cannot stomach the words for bf or gf, so I won't type them out)Then my dad wouldn't let me sleep over and I was bummed out. It was sad. No after party for me =(

But today was Carversville Day, so we went to see Wade and Megan, who work there. It was fun even though it rained. He bought me lunch which was nice, but I was so uncomfortable. I felt so stupid all day, but somehow I managed to have a good time. Just swallow your insecurities and live.

Periwinkle

So I'm back at the old house. home sweet home. blech.

We were packing up stuff on Sunday at hillside and the bitch told me she never wants to hear my mouth again. I hate her. I start shaking every time I think of her or that awful voice.

I told Vishwa. he said I don't look like the type of person to have a sob story. He said I'm the happiest kid he knows. I told him that I'm not a happy kid. I think I ruined his illusion. poor kid. Lord knows why he likes me anyway.

I feel bad because I don't like him back. He almost even creeps me out. He's so skinny and I'm so huge. Gross.

This house is in a time loop. I swear I'll see my mother around here at any moment. all the curtains are up and things are the same. I want out. Out of this house and out of this town. I want out of this awful life. But no life will be better than this one, so I'd rather be dead. I think about being dead a lot. Then things wouldn't hurt so much.

Disappear

I was feeling off today. Last night I cried so hard and couldn't fall asleep. This afternoon I was facebook chatting with P and I said something about being sorry. (I am constantly apologizing... I don't know what else to do. I'm just always sorry) I was mean to him this afternoon after school. Then I said that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore. That he should stop caring about me. Then if no one cared about me I could disappear. He got really freaked out and said I was scaring him. I was trying to scare him of course. I'm yelling out for attention. I am so lonesome all the time.

The thing is, I was serious in these statements. I really do think it would be better if no one cared so I wouldn't feel bad about offing myself. He called me when I logged off facebook all of the sudden. I don't want to say things I regret. I told him I was okay. It took me so long to think of my answers. I think that scared him too.

Then I ate dinner and I was in the bathroom when he called again. I cried and told him everything. It's amazing how sad it all sounds to be written down or said aloud. he told me about his moment of darkness and how he now knows he isn't alone. He said he's never told anyone before. But that's not the problem. I know that people are there for me and that's the problem. If I leave then I would be hurting them and embarrassing them. I just want to disappear without a trace and not hurt anyone. this world is too painful to deal with anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

But he said in the four years he was here that he only really cares about two people in the school. and that it's me and S. I believe him about S but I don't think he really cares about me any more than R L or R or anyone. I think I only matter to him because he matters to me. I wish he were telling the truth. he also said he loves me. I said it back but I don't know if I meant it. I won't say it all the time as a sign off. I only say that when I really mean it.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart full of sadness. I wish I wasn't hurting him. I know I am. I wish I didn't truthfully wish I were dead, but I really do. laying beneath the dirt would be a nice escape. I don't wish for heaven, I wish for forever silence and a nice long sleep.

Yuck

I'm so-o-o-o tired. I haven't slept a wink. I'm so-o-o-o-o tired. My mind is on the brink.

P really likes M. I tried to encourage it. But now I feel awful about feeling awful. I can't talk to him any more. I'll ruin his happiness.

I'm tired and I feel sick. I've had heart burn for a few days. I feel completely guilty about eating all the time. Yet I keep eating. I'm the ugliest fattest person I ever met. I wish I could tell this all to P. I miss him after only a few days.

I hate moving. All those boxes. eww. And I hate bugs. I don't want to do anything at all. Least of all moving.

I want to throw up. But I am too afraid. sticking my finger down my thought or just letting it come up. I can't do it. I haven't in so long. And I don't want that label. I'm too tired to care.

Spring Cleaning

I spent the day cleaning out the storage room in the back of the theater. fun fun fun.... Vishwa and Tom and I tried on hats and scarves and belts while "sorting". I don't think Vishwa even likes me any more. I'm such a freak.
I got so itchy from being back in the dust. and gross from not showering before i got there. and I was in shorts. My legs are so fat. I am so fat. I hate prom.

Friendship

I had a breakdown and started melting like I tend to do. I was IMing P like I do when I'm upset. We ended up talking about who you are and who I am and all that. Then I asked him stuff about himself. I realized that I have been waaay too selfish with him. I only take take take. and he told me that that's how he is in all relationships, he always gives but never takes in return. I ended up feeling really bad. I'm such an awful friend to him.

Then after school P called and she was crying and it was all complex with issues over R and moving and all that. We talked for a half hour and it was a good conversation. Then later on I ended up having another conversation with M, who also happened to be crying. In both cases I knew only a little of what to say, but I still feel like I helped in the end. I was a good friend today at least =)

I think God is trying to show me that I can be a good friend. I'm not all bad. I also think that He is showing me that I'm not as lonely as I thought. I will make it out of this thing okay in the end.

hmmm. "in the end" I keep saying that. I think it's the catch phrase of the day.

Gasp

Can we pause for a moment?
I need a chance to come up for air
I'm drowning in the chaos of now
Forgetting to breathe for fear of tomorrow

I'm spinning and spinning and spinning
Dizzy I drop to the floor
Has the ceiling always been white?
My blink takes a solid eight hours

Profoundly saddened by simply awakening
I run my hands through my hair
Another moment minute month lifetime
Alone with my thoughts in the world

Birthdays and Endings

Tomorrow is my grandmother's eighty first birthday, we celebrated today. I had some fun but it was a tad awkward. I think hanging out with old people is always awkward though. what do you say? It's a tough thing to do. We went out to lunch and ice cream and went swimming in her community pool. It was fun.


I really hate the end of something great. Everything seems to be leading up to that big date, the final match, the performance, the concert, the test. But then it's over. And the moment after is profoundly disappointing. Rumors was so stressful and tiring. But the performances were really fun, and now they're over. The cast party was alright, but I'm a total fool. At least that's how I was acting. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. All leading up to the big night(s) and then an abrupt ending.

It was also the end of my living upstairs yesterday. I woke up at nine, mowed the lawn, then moved all my stuff from my room to the basement. oh joy. what fun it is to organize and sort! I don't even like this damn room. it's cold and full of spiders. gross.

Happiness

yay! I have a date to junior prom! I am so happy that I'm not going alone or just with friends =) Vishwa asked me before dress rehearsal today. We were walking, looking for my ring that Riley stole, and I was being a complete fool. I was saying "Julia Child" in her funny voice (my character is a crazy lady with a cooking show)and we were laughing. Then out of the blue ha asked me "Are you going to prom?" and then I told him yes and he asked if I had a date. Then I told him that I didn't and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I asked him if he was serious and when he said yes I said that I would love to. I'm super stoked about it. I never thought I would get a date.

The part I like best is that he brought up prom and it sounded like he had thought about it before, not like it was spur of the moment. At least i hope it wasn't spur of the moment. And he also didn't say "as friends"; I'm glad I didn't ask too. He put his arm around me a few times too. I'm so happy over this. The only person I told was dad, and he seems okay with it. Can't wait to tell Nicole and Kimmi tomorrow!

Now all I need is an affordable dress and some shoes!

Visitation

John's rehab place is really freaky. There are all these kids who look really messed up. Well they are, but John doesn't look nearly as bad as them. But he still looks kind of shaky. I could see him getting more and more tired as we talked to him. It took forever to get up there and forever to get back, but we weren't actually visiting for very long. He's on a ton of pills. I can't imagine sleeping as much as he is.

I just felt so bad the whole time we were there. At first when we walked in my stomach started churning. Then I felt my heart speed up and my hands and feet went really cold. I could barely look at him for a long time. I just feel so bad because so much of this is my fault. I am the one splitting the family, and I didn't bother trying to make sure he was okay.

I'm just really glad that I don't have to do rehab. It looks awful. I would never want to do that or have counseling all the time. None of it is nearly as glamorous as Hollywood makes it all sound.

Serious v. Silly

My stomach has been aching all day from so much worry. I told D and A and P. But I shouldn't have told D. Give him an hour and he'll flake out on you. I love spending time with him, but he's proven to be forgetful and sort of selfish. Anna is being sweet and so far reliable. I never should have told either of them though. They don't need to know and I shouldn't have told them. it's worry they don't need and more complication than I'd like.

Prom is quickly approaching. What to do? I don't have a dress or a date. P and M both don't have dates yet though. I doubt either will want to go. M hit me in the butt with a soccer ball today. How rude! but at least it was me and not someone else. I like the attention but I don't think I can handle having a crush on him again quite yet.

Dad still hasn't been to keen on sharing any information with me. I feel awful about it and I know that this is partly my fault. I wish I could talk to him without doing any damage. or at least know if he got my letter. I just wish I knew he was feeling this way so I could have talked to him. We have a lot of the same problems.

I was thinking- maybe this is proof of how strong I am. I'm dealing with more pressure and hostility but I haven't lost it yet. I guess this is a sign to me that I am strong, stronger than I thought I was at least. Maybe like M said a while back, I am meant to do great things later on with the strength I am building right now. I could help with someone who is going through similar things or deal with high pressure later on. I don't know what it will be but I do know that I will have strength to deal with what ever it is.

pray for John

I found out today that things are worse than I thought. And that John is clinically depressed. later on in the day I wrote John a note saying that we should talk and I asked him for his forgiveness. I left it on him computer but I don't know if he got it.

My dad is moving into the office and for the first time he thinks that me living with a friend is a good idea. It was a shaky day. on the trip to Church my sister asked me if I would return to normal when we moved back home. It broke my heart that she would think I was depressed.

Then at the Robert's BBQ dad got a call from Emily. She wanted us to come home quickly. He was whispering with Mrs. Roberts and all he will tell me is that John is in trouble. suicide attempt?

I'm shaking and my heart is beating so fast.

Twice

post number two today. how eventful.

Ch and I decided to watch heroes today. we do that about every six months, we pick a new TV show on dvd and watch it all the way through. heroes isn't a bad show right? well Emily walks in at some point when there are is a girl being threatened to take off her clothing. so she tells us its inappropriate and we should shut it off. What the fuck? all of the sudden after two and a half months of saying exactly 3 things to me (take your shoes off the couch twice and pass the salt once) she thinks she can tell me what's appropriate to watch? I got really mad and for what ever reason my dad took her side. her side! I called her a fucking bitch. My dad told me not to be disrespectful and I said I had no respect for her. then I started crying.

why would I say that to her? I mean I don't know if I respect her or not. But even if I for sure didn't I shouldn't have said it. I was shaking and crying and my left arm fell asleep. so I called P, but I lost my nerve and ended the call. But then he called me back. The weird part was that right before I picked up I cleared my voice and sounded normal and then said "hello?" but the first thing he said was "Jackie? what's wrong?" How did he know something was wrong? Maybe I'm a worse actress than I thought. He was super sweet though, he kept saying "everything's going to be okay" over and over really calmly. He was reassuring and made me feel like I wasn't bothering him. When I calmed down and we were at a normal conversation level he teased me, ever so gently. And subtly called me beautiful.

I think that he is perfect. If I felt like I deserved him I would have a crush on him. But I know that I'm just another girl with issues and that he is a shoulder to lean on. He helps a lot of people, and he doesn't fall in love with any of them, that I know of. I wish I knew him like that. But he would never tell me anything personal about himself, he doesn't go deep into himself like that with me. Or as I can see from here, with anyone. He's guarded. If I ever do get to know him what I would like to find out is what he's afraid of. That's when I'd know that I knew him.

And the rain rain rain came down down down

It was warm where I live prematurely this year, but now we have gone back to average spring chilly-ness. the sunshine made me happy, but it also reminded me of how pale and chubby I am. I know that I'm not fat, but I am definitely not skinny or pretty. I'm average and forgettable. I have boring brown hair and freckles and pink chubby cheeks. I'm short, and recently I have become increasingly aware of how short my legs are. The only things i like about my appearance is that people say I look like my mother and my long eyelashes. I also sort of like the size of my feet, small but not too small. and I don't sweat in weird places like my hands or my upper lip or my back. just my nose mostly. Also I think I have a good nose and chin, not too pointy. If only they weren't covered in acne!
well enough of my poor self-esteem.

I had play practice today, and hardly knew any of my lines. how could I have gotten stuck in such a horrible dress? oh right, that's the part I was assigned. humph. I can feel the director's growing hatred for me. At least I have a new friend in V. He's nice and funny and talks to me even when he doesn't have to.

While writing this I am logged onto facebook. I'm waiting for P to chat me. He's on and so am I but he still hasn't spoken to me. it's been 10 minutes almost. I just hope he wasn't too offended by my critique of his driving yesterday...

I hate school work and doing stuff in general! I am so lazy and lethargic lately. I just want to be asleep always. blech! I hope I'm not sick or something. That would really stink. I should do either of my two research papers or else practice my lines or do my chemistry homework, but I am too lazy. hey, but at least I'm not stuck in a pit of sadness today. well, the day is not yet over, there is still time for that.

well that was quick

Doesn't it figure the day I post about not crying I cry myself to sleep and try not to sob aloud on the phone with my friend A. she cares so much about me, but I'm such a godawful friend. She called me and talked and didn't judge. I love her and know that she deserves more than me as a friend. Honestly she's one of the most intelligent and caring and creative people I know. She's got flaws, like everyone, but she handles them with a bit more grace than most. I wish her better than the best in life, and certainly better than me in friendship.

third day of state testing, only four more! wow. how bleak.

D and I spent lunch listening to songs on his ipod, and I felt silly wearing his headphones. Then I spaced out while I was listening to an old and sad song by Eminem. He asked what was wrong and looked so genuinely concerned, it was really adorable but heart breaking. Selfishly I want them to be concerned and worried and give me attention. But the unselfish side of me wants them not to worry and be their own carefree selves. growing up is hard enough without a melodramatic depressed friend who always needs attention and support.

I almost have all my lines down for the play. I just have troubles with act II. Rumors (by Neil Simon) is really funny, but the cast is getting on my nerves. I only wish that P would start coming to rehearsals now and not in two weeks. I miss sitting with him back stage. It was my romance, even if it wasn't real. I love having him around and having him as a solid friend who won't flake out on me, but I don't actually like him that way like people think I do. I guess he would make a nice prom date, but he would never ask me. no one will. (well that wasn't dramatic at all...)