I went to look for jobs with Prerna today and Prateek came along. Vishwa was in Philly taking his placement tests. I missed him a lot surprisingly. Less stress but I'm really starting to like him a lot. He's so sweet to me and I love it when he holds my hand. And when he does that hug with his scratchy beard against my cheek. I think thanks to him I will forever find stubble attractive.
But he weighs a hundred and twenty pounds. I weigh more than that. I could crush him. I should lose weight or something but I'm not motivated enough to do anything. I'm a bum. with a big bum.
So back to how I love that sort of hug from behind. Prateek did that a few times today and he kept holding my hand when his sister wasn't looking. when we were in the Bose theater thing watching a sales pitch I lay my head on his shoulder and I held his hand. he stroked my hand with his thumb. Then we were in Bass and I was sad. He hugged me that way and put his cheek to mine and I cried a little bit. when he did that a bit later in peddlers, Prerna said to him, you know she has a boy friend right? I was so suddenly sad. I love him. Not just as a brother any more. but he's leaving and I don't want to kiss him and cry for him.
But I really like Vishwa. A lot. I just feel like we're not right. but I have so much fun with him and there's no sister complication. Prateek is the man I've always wanted to marry, but Vishwa's the unexpected light in my life. What do I do?
That and I was basically cheating on Vish today. I wish I wasn't such a flirt... this would all be so much easier if there were only one guy. but there are several. I'm a slut. I may not be pretty, but I might as well get a tramp stamp.
Hopefully when Prateek moves and Matt is gone over the summer everything I felt for them will be gone. Then I can focus on Vishwa and having a good time even though I look awful in a bathing suit. And then Vishwa will go to college and I will be lonely and miserable but at least not having to choose between multiple guys. I'll go back to my nun status. Well. One can at least hope right?
well, I have to say that I was right. Being alone and just thinking about guys wistfully and abstractly is so much better than liking more than one at a time like last spring. like now, I can dazedly like Tomas without actually worrying about anything. I don't even have to really like him, I can just think he's cute. Single in high school is really nice.
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