shopping

there is an outdoor market in my town that is simply enormous. it's 30 acres and full of stalls that sell sun glasses, bags, plants, food, jewelry, perfume, phone covers, and just about everything you can think of. I went in the early morning, the best time to go. It was still very crowded, and people were pushing each other to get by in some places. I had the weirdest feeling the whole time I was there, like all the words had been sucked out of me. vendors would ask me questions and I would only smile or shake my head. I managed to get through the morning with almost no speech. it felt liberating, but then also it felt foreign and cold.

before the market I did pilates and took a shower, but I forgot to eat breakfast. oops. the rest of the day I stayed around 1,000 calories, but I drank so much water that when my dinner was over I felt sick. I really shouldn't have finished all that zucchini.

while the american girls were winning the gold in gymnastics, I was shopping online. I got new letters (shirts with sorority letters on it) to wear in the fall. I think I picked out cute ones, it's a dark grey v-neck with light pink letters and champagne stitching. can't wait to wear them! I also ordered a navy peacoat and annother sorority themed tee shirt. I'm getting really excited for rush haha.

then I spent like an hour trying to decide on a pair of boots. here are the two I'm torn between these:

and these:

I like the laces, but I also love the floral and the color... such a tough decision.

help me pick?

crazy bike girl

I had ice cream for breakfast. that should give you an idea of how I ate today.

yesterday we went to the beach with my cousins. I swam most of the day and only ate half of every meal. but still this morning I woke up to a gain. I know you don't lose weight over night, but it's always disappointing to see the little needle go higher than you want it to.

so after the bad eating today, I did two hours biking. and tell me you, my thighs are hurting.

I need to fix my relationship with food.

day 14- UGW and why
my ugw is 113 because that's how much my sister weighs. I know it's dumb to have that as my goal, but she's the one who teases me most. it would be nice to be the same or less than her, especially since she's just a bit taller. plus, at that weight I think I'd be like a US size 4. and wouldn't that be a dream come true.

day 15- vegan or vegetarian?
nope. I could never be vegan, I like my dairy and eggs too much for that. I could be vegetarian except for chicken and seafood. I don't eat red meat almost ever. it's mainly turkey, chicken, fish, and shrimp around here.

faster computer!

my dad fixed up my computer so now I can (gasp!) actually watch a youtube video without restarting the computer just after. yay! bring on the larger screen pilates!

kind of failing on diet this whole week which is really bumming me out. I really just can't help messing up at least once a day. today it was twice- chips with my brother's girlfriend and ice cream after dinner. ugh. I need to get my will power back. they say once you do it for 21 days it gets to be super easy. I hope I can last that long on anything.

"is it raining in there? it's raining out here, too."

we've had the most spectacular thunderstorms the past few days. the lightning cracks brighter and the thunder louder than I ever remember. maybe there is some weight to that global climate shift thing.

I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, we're going to the shore! I haven't been down in so long and I miss it. I love to swim and I love the sand. really nothing much better.

olympic carb-o-load

oops... had a half the bread in the house.

bright side is I mowed the lawn in the 95 degree weather. so that has to be a few calories right?

I was so happy to finally watch the opening of the olympics in London. I LOVE the Olympics, so I had a countdown going for a while now. the only downside was that I had to watch with my dad who finds it fun to make fun of everything. he makes dumb comments trying to be funny but I find it really annoying. like he says, I'm a professional eye roller when it comes to him.

but I'm really glad he's my dad. he's a patient guy who tries really hard to be fair and kind. I was reading my mother's journal to us and it was really sad. you watch as her handwriting becomes progressively shakier and she becomes less and less focused on what to say. I cried when she wrote that she prayed she'd make it to the next Thanksgiving, but I know from this side of history that she wouldn't.

in the journal she called me beautiful. "petite and feminine" were words she also used. I wish I could live up to her expectations.

day 13-
are you losing weight in a healthy way?
I think so. I try to keep my calories really low, which isn't necessarily healthy. but I do pay attention to which nutrients I eat and I try to exercise as much as I can. unfortunately I have a binge problem, so I end up taking laxies, which I know are terrible for your entire system.

ocean breeze

it's thundering right now. which is sort of a good thing because that means the heat has gone down considerably. but it's a bad thing because my bike is made of metal and I can't go on my regular evening ride. the only exercise I got today was walking around town in the 100+ degree weather. talk about sweating!

also, I ate some skittles today, a total fail on my ban on candy and sweets. good thing is I've successfully skipped family dinner two nights in a row now. it all comes down to good luck, but I'm not going to pretend not to be proud of myself.

I bought a tee shirt for my pen pal today, it's her birthday. I got a size large because those shirts run small, I just hope I don't offend her. I also picked up a bunch of post cards from my hometown to send to my school friends. I never realized how awkward it is to buy post cards from a place you live instead of one you are only visiting.

still haven't been to the beach. boo.

day 12-

what do you normally eat?

fruit and eggs in the morning

yogurt and wheat germ for lunch

meat, veggies, and some carb for dinner

fruit pop or fudgsicle for dessert
and probably some cheat somewhere during the day because I suck at self-control.

ps- 100 followers!! you guys rock :)

waiting for the city

Some sort of solution to my employment problem- I've started writing content for my father's website. He's offered me pay for each post I write, and says that he'd rather pay me than do it himself. I think he just feels bad for me. Besides, I need this website to put on my resume. My dream job is something like blogging for a radio show or NPR. lol. I'm such a nerd.

I ate a lot better today and went on a long bike ride. I hate feeling like I did after that super terrible binge on monday.

Oh guess what! The Olympics are on Friday! I cannot wait! Plus I'm planning on some olympic themed workouts :) oh no... my dork is showing again.

okay, enough

I ate SO MUCH yesterday. I literally laid in my bed with my bloated aching stomach and passed out as soon as I came home from my friend's house.

I went to go see her because she just had a breast reduction and her boy friend just broke up with her. so, really tough week. but then, as usual, I managed to fuck up. I had a fucking cream based potato soup and ice cream at her house. then on the way home I was so stressed from driving on the God damned turn pike with construction and poring rain that I stopped in at a wendy's to pee and get iced tea. then on a whim I also got a chicken caesar wrap. I am so stupid! do you know how many calories all of that food is? 1,246. that's how many. and I didn't even to get any more exercise besides my morning bike ride.

so feeling terrible I drank a glass of water and swallowed three laxies. I'm planning on doing 1 hour of pilates and 1 hour of biking hills today. I just cannot mess up like that again.

anyway.

I want to get an internship this fall. I don't feel like doing a pointless job again, I want real experience doing actual real world things. So I'm trying to invest a lot of energy into finding a paid internship that is somewhat related to my school work. If I actually knew what that would end up being, it would be a big help. See, I used to be a journalism major. but I'm not curious or brave enough to be a journalist, so I'm planning on switching to marketing communications. we'll see if that will work out at all.

my dream for when I finish college is changing slightly. I want to be involved in audio production somehow, like NPR or PRI or something. but I don't know how or doing what. I also have a vague fantasy of starting my own little shop. I'd sell something cute like jewelry or fabric or paper or something. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm not the type of person who lives to work. I like to have time to myself as well.

day 9- do people make negative comments about your weight?
my sister always makes fun of me being fat. but other than that, most people are just really polite. more than anything else, I'm doing this so I don't have to call myself fat anymore.

day 10- what have you given up to lose weight?
I really miss bagels. I don't know why I love them so much, but there is nothing I crave more than a warm jewish bagel with philadelphia cream cheese. mmmm

mountain high

I'm back from the mountain house.

we went on a lot of hikes and bike rides, danced around and swam in the lake. all which burned a lot of calories. plus, I skipped a meal a day and kept snacking to almost nothing. I feel like I might have lost something, but I won't know until the morning.

there was a digital scale at the cabin, but it's always read really high. it told me 159 when my one at home told me 154. this morning it told me 156, so hopefully my more accurate old school version will tell me something exciting tomorrow.

I need to get back to my pilates and WATCHING THE BACHELORETTE FINALE!! does anyone else love this show? cause I'm obsessed.. lol, I know it's kinda dumb, but it's wonderful.

day 7- do your parents know about you trying to lose weight? do they care?
my dad knows that I'm trying to be healthier and workout, so he probably has figured out the weight loss thing. 
I don't talk about my weight or insecurities with anyone, which is the main reason I need this blog. I find it to be embarrassingly personal and I've always thought it was bad form to mention that you were on a diet. but I also need a place to vent and keep motivated, so I go online. I'm sure if my mom was around this would be a different story, though.  

day 8- your workout routine:
30+ minutes of pilates
1 hour of biking

friday night

we're at the poke-a-nose with some of my favorite people in the world. I'm just worried about eating too much... womp.

we went to a BBQ restaurant last night and I had the healthiest thing I could think of, grilled chicken and green beans. Unfortunately the chicken showed up bathed in barbeque sauce. I never can win I guess.

Today I ran around a lot but I also had like three chocolate truffles... oops. My aunt works for Godiva, so when we see her we get to indulge a little. Over all though, I pretty much failed today. stupid family vacations ruin diets!

day 5-why do you want to lose weight?
so I won't have to be sad about this anymore.
so I can borrow dresses and look cute.
and all those reasons that make sense.

day 6- do you binge?
Yup, but I wish I didn't. It's one of my least favorite things about myself.

lines

day 4: your favorite thinspo and why
I like this girl cause she looks so graceful and complete. she's not scary skinny, just skinny in the way that is easy and natural and perfect.

today I rode my bike 9 miles and read for hours. nothing happened, but I find myself in this strange quiet space I wish I could fill with a poem.

but I don't know how to write poetry, except that you make
the
lines
short.

and besides, what do I have to day that isn't already written down?

pilates

All day erry day.

In addition to pilates, I dragged my sore butt to get my passport photo taken, got Perfect by Ellen Hopkins and Massive by Julia Bell from the library by the suggestion of Missinsanity. Then I went to the grocery store to buy some health food. I'm super focused on protein rather than anything else. Everything must be high protein low carb high fiber for me to eat it. I barely even look at the fat or sugar content.

That was what led to the mistake of the chocolate protein bar. It was so dense and gooey I felt literally sick afterwards. I threw up a teeny bit of it and then drank a bunch of water to keep the rest down. That was vile! I'll be avoiding chocolate protein bars for a while, I think.

30 day challenge-
Greatest fears about weight loss:

1) that I'll stay this weight forever
2) that even if I lose a ton I'll still look fat
3) that I lose the weight and then sky rocket up again even higher

images

endorphins before bed feel gooood

challenge day 2-
how tall are you? do you like your height?

I'm 5'2, which I like because it's the same height as my mother. I'd like to think that I'm going to be just like her.

proud of my work outs, but NOT proud of my intake.

egg 102
plum 30
yogurt 100
wheat germ 25
cereal 120
pasta 28
milk 83
green beans 17
meatballs 196
chips 131
fudgesicle 41
total: 873 (which is way higher over today's 500 limit than I meant to go. luckily, besides the chips and the fudgesicle, everything was pretty healthy and protein-focused)
weight lifting -25
biking -320
pilates -62
net: 467

so if I go by the net count today, I'm within the Surge range, but I don't want to do that... so I failed day 2.
BUT! I found a great online pilates channel that I really like. she's a bit peppy and that takes some getting used to, but Cassie actually keeps me motivated to finish the video and then  do another. it's called POP Pilates. try it!!

my little brother broke his finger on the rope swing, it turns out. when we got home from the river yesterday I thought it was only bruised, but it turns out his middle finger has a fracture :( I feel bad for him, it must really hurt.

hope you all had a better intake than I did

jax

sticky day

For  those of you who love the thunder and the rain, you should come visit me. Outside it is pouring and the most spectacular lightening is streaking across the sky. A moment ago there was a clap of thunder so loud that my lukewarm mug of tea rattled on my desk. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people that loves the rain.

Before the rain though, it was really really muggy out. I can proudly tell you, though, that I fought through the thick air on a 20 minute run and a 45 minute bike ride. I count them as my workout for today, which I will now be keeping careful tabs on. I've decided on the Surge Diet, which seemed to be the best option after much deliberation. I think Coco is right, SGD will only ultimately end in failure (again).

I've made myself a pretty chart for it to keep folded in my phone case.

Other than all that it was a pretty good Sunday- I had a nice relaxing bath while watching biggest loser (love that show) and I went swimming in the river with my brother and my dog. The dog smelled awful after, but I had a nice time.

I also had a good day for intake (mostly):
egg whites 100
cheese 20
strawberries 23
cereal 120
2 popsicles 30
veggie stir fry 160
rice 145
chips 88
gummies 70
biking -166
running -90
swimming -93
total: 763-349= 414

I stayed nicely inside the lines on this first day, just around 30 calories under the 800 limit. way to go me.

also- for anyone who has terrible sweet cravings at night, I highly suggest sugar-free popsicles, they're like 15 calories each and a great treat, especially in summer.

30 Days: 1

I think this will help me blog everyday. and it's kind of fun.

day 1:

height- 5'2

current weight- 158 lbs

next goal- 150 lbs

upper thigh- 20.5''

calf- 14.75''
bicep- 12''
forearm- 9''\
waist- 33.5''
hips- 41''
bust-38''

eww... I want to lose like 2 inches off my waist and 4 off my hips by the time this challenge is over. also- my thigh is like almost the same as posh spice's waist. interesting. 

nope

Oh my God. binge. binge. bingebingebinge. binge!


I had so much popcorn. I mean, popcorn is a fine snack. in moderation. but I had so much popcorn.


I am really ashamed of myself. I did a wimpy abs workout since my legs are killer sore.

and I have no job.
and I don't talk to anyone.
and I'm clearly being really negative.

I need some serious change.

teary eyed

I ate crap today.

strawberries: 46
cereal: 120
chips: 244
dip: 30
pizza: 238
sweet tea: 163
ice cream: 257
jogging: -93
total: 1,005

I went to a friend's house and we ate crap and I didn't bother to make an excuse. Not that I would look weird, I just didn't want to be the one not eating the food. I just wanted to fit in, so I did.

and now I regret it. I weighed in at 155 this morning, which is a bit lower than last week. I haven't seen any loss for ages, so I was thrilled. ( I still can't believe how high my weight is. it's humiliating.) Now it'll probably go up again.

my sister asked me to go running with her. she's pre-training for sports. I secretly do a lot of her workouts when she's not home anyway, but I said no because I'm embarrassed about how slow I am and the tiny amount of endurance I have. it's just so pathetic. Then I started to tear up, she called me weird, and left the room.

no word yet from the train job. no one wants to hire me. I'm doomed.

kind of successful?

intake:

lunch

honey bunches of oats: 120

grandma's house

lemonade: 52

ice cream: 260

dinner

peas: 39

salmon: 100

couscous: 88

snack

chips: 152

fruit pop: 41

exercise

2 magazine workouts: -52

30 minutes laps in pool: -178

30 minutes biking: -111

car wash: -74

total

852-416= 436

did pretty well today despite the ice cream and the chips. ah well.

and I'm super sore in my legs from the magazine workout and the sprints, and in my shoulders from the swimming. I've lost so much endurance in swimming since last summer! I used to be able to go at least 3 or 4 laps without stopping. now I need to take a breather after every lap. how pathetic!

tomorrow I should find out about the train job. wouldn't it be fun to work on a choo choo train? I think so. let's cross our fingers.

ABCDEFG

just so we're clear on today:

breakfast
egg whites with a bit of cheese: 78
apple: 77
tea with sugar: 55
lunch
caesar salad: 258
tea: 60
dinner
turkey burger (no bun): 369
corn: 25
green beans: 17
(stupid dumb binge that I hate myself for)
fudge: 186
popcorn: 180
workout
sprints: -271
sit ups: -35
total: 1,306-306=1,000 (wow! couldn't have planned it better)

I felt good today until I was watching tv with my family and had some popcorn. then I said "fuck it" and had some fudge with them too. I need to stop with the "fuck it"s, that's how I got to the weight that I am now. but I am proud that I did some sprints today at the track. it was a basic workout, sprint the straights and walk the curves for 30 minutes. in that time I'd finished either 7 or 8 rounds- I lost track. 

and I applied to (another) job today, this one is serving drinks on a touristy train in town. I apply to jobs almost everyday, and get turned down almost every day. it's really humiliating, actually.

as per usual I'm going to be starting a diet that has an acronym as a name. I've never done the ABC (ana boot camp) and I don't really want to- I'd gain weight like crazy from the strictness I'm sure. I've done the SGD (skinny girl diet) about 10 times, and I really like it. I've never done it all the way through successfully, though. I also tried this one apple diet that was kind of dumb.

I've included images of the rules for several different diets. I think I want to try the surge diet, it looks like a good balance for exercise.


there's also the healthy skinny girl diet. which I might
switch to if the surge is too hard. I don't really know yet. but what I do know is that I need to get into a routine with something. I heard that it takes 21 days to make a routine. I'm going to make my routine exercise and low-cal eating. I'll go protein as much as possible, as well as lots of vegetables. of course, fruits as well, but I love fruit, so that's really not a challenge.

I also bought some laxies today, as an insurance against any binges that will might happen. I really don't want to binge, but I know that I'm terrible at not doing that.


I can't wait to cross off that first goal weight.

high line

I currently weigh 160 pounds, which is humiliating for me to write. When I wrote here before, I weighed 134.

Starting college, I promised myself I was going to lose the freshman 15, but that didn't happen. Instead I gained around 25 pounds. Actually, I really only gained 15 pounds at school, the other 10 pounds were over the summer break so far.

I've had a problem with not eating before, and I've always been really upset about the way I eat. Recently, I've had a huge problem with binging. I keep track of my calories and exercise on my phone, but I often lie to myself because seeing the real numbers makes me cry.

I'd like to restart this blog because I really miss having followers and reading about other people's lives. I also think it will help me to find some motivation.


Also embarrassing to admit, I have no job and no money. I can't find anyone to hire me. And with no money I can't buy new clothes, which I need because I'm too fat. my life sort of stinks.