Two Weeks Left

I forgot all my notebooks and novels to do any home work this weekend. and its memorial day this weekend. crap.

I've held his hand and he put his arms around me but I still don't feel anything. what's wrong with me? I really really want to like him. I really wish I did. And he is so nervous which is so adorable. but also annoying. We were sitting by the river perfectly romantic and he didn't even kiss me. I'll be in that movie never been kissed except that I won't be beautiful.
That and I feel so stupid being so much bigger than him. I could probably pick him up but not the other way around. That and Dylan said to Ca that he thought I could do better than him. Ugh. This is so annoying. Aren't you supposed to be happy when you get your first boyfriend?

Prom

So I went to the junior prom. I got my hair done (awful experience) and my nails. Then I put on way too much make-up and put on my heels and put on my red dress.
As I write this I'm trying to sound excited about it. But I was just looking at pictures and I look 100 percent disgusting. Yuck.

But last night I felt gorgeous. I felt pretty at least even if I looked bad. I had a great time taking pictures and eating food. Vishwa was really sweet and we had a really nice time.

We slow danced and danced fast. They did La Vie en Rose and it was beautiful. It got to another slow song, they did Forever Young. Then near the end of the song he leaned in and asked me "would you go out with me?". I said yes. I still can't believe it. after that we we fast danced we held hands or he put his hands on my stomach. At some point he was standing right behind me and he put his arms around my waist and his cheek to mine. We just stayed there and it was lovely. Then I think he tried to kiss me, I turned me head and he kissed my cheek. I just wasn't ready. It was so strange to think that he might actually like me that way. not just talking to but also in a physical way. I don't get why he would, there are tons of prettier girls out there.

I think the sweetest part was that he was so nervous. Like I was someone to be nervous about. So I guess that means we're dating or something. (some how I cannot stomach the words for bf or gf, so I won't type them out)Then my dad wouldn't let me sleep over and I was bummed out. It was sad. No after party for me =(

But today was Carversville Day, so we went to see Wade and Megan, who work there. It was fun even though it rained. He bought me lunch which was nice, but I was so uncomfortable. I felt so stupid all day, but somehow I managed to have a good time. Just swallow your insecurities and live.

Periwinkle

So I'm back at the old house. home sweet home. blech.

We were packing up stuff on Sunday at hillside and the bitch told me she never wants to hear my mouth again. I hate her. I start shaking every time I think of her or that awful voice.

I told Vishwa. he said I don't look like the type of person to have a sob story. He said I'm the happiest kid he knows. I told him that I'm not a happy kid. I think I ruined his illusion. poor kid. Lord knows why he likes me anyway.

I feel bad because I don't like him back. He almost even creeps me out. He's so skinny and I'm so huge. Gross.

This house is in a time loop. I swear I'll see my mother around here at any moment. all the curtains are up and things are the same. I want out. Out of this house and out of this town. I want out of this awful life. But no life will be better than this one, so I'd rather be dead. I think about being dead a lot. Then things wouldn't hurt so much.

Disappear

I was feeling off today. Last night I cried so hard and couldn't fall asleep. This afternoon I was facebook chatting with P and I said something about being sorry. (I am constantly apologizing... I don't know what else to do. I'm just always sorry) I was mean to him this afternoon after school. Then I said that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore. That he should stop caring about me. Then if no one cared about me I could disappear. He got really freaked out and said I was scaring him. I was trying to scare him of course. I'm yelling out for attention. I am so lonesome all the time.

The thing is, I was serious in these statements. I really do think it would be better if no one cared so I wouldn't feel bad about offing myself. He called me when I logged off facebook all of the sudden. I don't want to say things I regret. I told him I was okay. It took me so long to think of my answers. I think that scared him too.

Then I ate dinner and I was in the bathroom when he called again. I cried and told him everything. It's amazing how sad it all sounds to be written down or said aloud. he told me about his moment of darkness and how he now knows he isn't alone. He said he's never told anyone before. But that's not the problem. I know that people are there for me and that's the problem. If I leave then I would be hurting them and embarrassing them. I just want to disappear without a trace and not hurt anyone. this world is too painful to deal with anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

But he said in the four years he was here that he only really cares about two people in the school. and that it's me and S. I believe him about S but I don't think he really cares about me any more than R L or R or anyone. I think I only matter to him because he matters to me. I wish he were telling the truth. he also said he loves me. I said it back but I don't know if I meant it. I won't say it all the time as a sign off. I only say that when I really mean it.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart full of sadness. I wish I wasn't hurting him. I know I am. I wish I didn't truthfully wish I were dead, but I really do. laying beneath the dirt would be a nice escape. I don't wish for heaven, I wish for forever silence and a nice long sleep.

Yuck

I'm so-o-o-o tired. I haven't slept a wink. I'm so-o-o-o-o tired. My mind is on the brink.

P really likes M. I tried to encourage it. But now I feel awful about feeling awful. I can't talk to him any more. I'll ruin his happiness.

I'm tired and I feel sick. I've had heart burn for a few days. I feel completely guilty about eating all the time. Yet I keep eating. I'm the ugliest fattest person I ever met. I wish I could tell this all to P. I miss him after only a few days.

I hate moving. All those boxes. eww. And I hate bugs. I don't want to do anything at all. Least of all moving.

I want to throw up. But I am too afraid. sticking my finger down my thought or just letting it come up. I can't do it. I haven't in so long. And I don't want that label. I'm too tired to care.

Spring Cleaning

I spent the day cleaning out the storage room in the back of the theater. fun fun fun.... Vishwa and Tom and I tried on hats and scarves and belts while "sorting". I don't think Vishwa even likes me any more. I'm such a freak.
I got so itchy from being back in the dust. and gross from not showering before i got there. and I was in shorts. My legs are so fat. I am so fat. I hate prom.

Friendship

I had a breakdown and started melting like I tend to do. I was IMing P like I do when I'm upset. We ended up talking about who you are and who I am and all that. Then I asked him stuff about himself. I realized that I have been waaay too selfish with him. I only take take take. and he told me that that's how he is in all relationships, he always gives but never takes in return. I ended up feeling really bad. I'm such an awful friend to him.

Then after school P called and she was crying and it was all complex with issues over R and moving and all that. We talked for a half hour and it was a good conversation. Then later on I ended up having another conversation with M, who also happened to be crying. In both cases I knew only a little of what to say, but I still feel like I helped in the end. I was a good friend today at least =)

I think God is trying to show me that I can be a good friend. I'm not all bad. I also think that He is showing me that I'm not as lonely as I thought. I will make it out of this thing okay in the end.

hmmm. "in the end" I keep saying that. I think it's the catch phrase of the day.

Gasp

Can we pause for a moment?
I need a chance to come up for air
I'm drowning in the chaos of now
Forgetting to breathe for fear of tomorrow

I'm spinning and spinning and spinning
Dizzy I drop to the floor
Has the ceiling always been white?
My blink takes a solid eight hours

Profoundly saddened by simply awakening
I run my hands through my hair
Another moment minute month lifetime
Alone with my thoughts in the world

Birthdays and Endings

Tomorrow is my grandmother's eighty first birthday, we celebrated today. I had some fun but it was a tad awkward. I think hanging out with old people is always awkward though. what do you say? It's a tough thing to do. We went out to lunch and ice cream and went swimming in her community pool. It was fun.


I really hate the end of something great. Everything seems to be leading up to that big date, the final match, the performance, the concert, the test. But then it's over. And the moment after is profoundly disappointing. Rumors was so stressful and tiring. But the performances were really fun, and now they're over. The cast party was alright, but I'm a total fool. At least that's how I was acting. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. All leading up to the big night(s) and then an abrupt ending.

It was also the end of my living upstairs yesterday. I woke up at nine, mowed the lawn, then moved all my stuff from my room to the basement. oh joy. what fun it is to organize and sort! I don't even like this damn room. it's cold and full of spiders. gross.