Disappear

I was feeling off today. Last night I cried so hard and couldn't fall asleep. This afternoon I was facebook chatting with P and I said something about being sorry. (I am constantly apologizing... I don't know what else to do. I'm just always sorry) I was mean to him this afternoon after school. Then I said that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore. That he should stop caring about me. Then if no one cared about me I could disappear. He got really freaked out and said I was scaring him. I was trying to scare him of course. I'm yelling out for attention. I am so lonesome all the time.

The thing is, I was serious in these statements. I really do think it would be better if no one cared so I wouldn't feel bad about offing myself. He called me when I logged off facebook all of the sudden. I don't want to say things I regret. I told him I was okay. It took me so long to think of my answers. I think that scared him too.

Then I ate dinner and I was in the bathroom when he called again. I cried and told him everything. It's amazing how sad it all sounds to be written down or said aloud. he told me about his moment of darkness and how he now knows he isn't alone. He said he's never told anyone before. But that's not the problem. I know that people are there for me and that's the problem. If I leave then I would be hurting them and embarrassing them. I just want to disappear without a trace and not hurt anyone. this world is too painful to deal with anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

But he said in the four years he was here that he only really cares about two people in the school. and that it's me and S. I believe him about S but I don't think he really cares about me any more than R L or R or anyone. I think I only matter to him because he matters to me. I wish he were telling the truth. he also said he loves me. I said it back but I don't know if I meant it. I won't say it all the time as a sign off. I only say that when I really mean it.

I go to sleep with a heavy heart full of sadness. I wish I wasn't hurting him. I know I am. I wish I didn't truthfully wish I were dead, but I really do. laying beneath the dirt would be a nice escape. I don't wish for heaven, I wish for forever silence and a nice long sleep.