vlog 10.24.12

just an update on my life. nothing really all that exciting.

nothing at all

all I do is sleep. I want to change the world, I want to do things with my life. but all I can do is fall into dreams and wake up melancholy.

stomach ache

I binged. not like a normal binge, either, where I just eat too much ice cream and a few cookies and some chips. no, I intentionally ate so much that I had trouble sitting up.
-full bag of chips
-a ton of water
-mango smoothie
-soup in a bread bowl from panera
-giant cookie

yeah. that's pretty close to 3,000 calories, more than I ate the last 3 days.

I don't know what happened, it was like my rational brain turned off and I went into a frenzy, eating as much as possible. it was around this time last year I started gaining weight and I simply cannot let that happen again.

I took 6 laxies just so I'll be able to go to sleep tonight. I thought about throwing up and then decided it would be bad and probably make me cry and ruin any chance of getting work done tonight. this is probably the most disgusting feeling ever.

it's october 3rd.

after I woke up late for class this morning I had to skip breakfast. I hate skipping breakfast, it sets me up for a day of bad choices. I didn't get to eat until almost 3 pm, when I had a bowl of clam chowder (400). by that point, my eyes were hurting and my vision was blurry, I felt shaky, and my balance was off. clearly, not eating is not a good choice.

I ended up running 2 miles on the treadmill and drinking a ton of water, which was good, but I also had a breakfast sandwich for dinner and cookies and cheez-its after the presidential debate. so not good. but things really could have gone a lot worse.

I started a myspace page today. call me out of date, but I love myspace. it is such a great way to listen to music and keep up with artists. I think people wrongly compare it to facebook. it's not supposed to be for that, it's for other things. and watch the video on their homepage, it's super cool. 

philosophical bitch

after some dumb decisions I had a blow out fight with my roommate. yeah, it's my fault (as always) but I still don't appreciate the way she looks at me and speaks to me. we ended up later sitting down to talk (aka both of us crying) and I think it's a bit better now.

for about 2 hours after I felt weak and shaken and hallow. it was exactly how I felt with my step mother, and it's a feeling I try my best to avoid. I feel all the time like crying and talking to people about my problems. but talking about it makes me feel worse and down and down the spiral goes.

I know if I could only control what I say, and how I speak about and to others my life would be so much easier and so much happier. I need some balance in my life, and I need self-control to implement all the knowledge I know I've collected. all the sayings are right, they're cliches for a reason.