Never

I can't help but wonder what her bra size was. What color her cheerleading uniform was. if she passed her drivers test the first time. who her first kiss was. what her favorite brand of make up was. when she first got drunk. what her prom dress looked like. what it felt like to fall in love.

I came home today and organized all her recipes. then I baked the peanut butter cookies that were on a card she typed up on a typewriter. there were a dozen recipes cut out and cards in her hand writing. then I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory gets dumped and Lorelei comforts her and at the end I was crying really hard. I failed and she wasn't there to run her fingers through my hair and say it's okay because she failed her driving test once too and aunt patty was even worse and if you could have only seen her.

she didn't explain to me how to use tampons. she didn't help me pick out my prom dress. she didn't ask me how my first date was. we didn't fight about my hair style on picture day. she didn't nag me about making my bed last week. she didn't pick out the new carpet. she doesn't make Thanksgiving crescent rolls or Christmas cinnamon buns. she isn't going to meet Abigail. She won't make a fuss over my graduation pictures. She won't pick out my wedding dress with me. And I miss her all the more for those things I'll never know or remember.

Screaming

I'm screaming so loud inside my head but I can't speak out loud.
yell.
screeeeaam!
I'M SCREAMING!
I mad but I understand.
but I don't understand
I'm shaking
numb
the blood is filling up my ears and I'm blushing
screeeeeammm
muffles, truffles, chuckles
false illusions and fake identities
I salute you
jump to all the wrong conclusions
buy the whole world
i want everything
except for that, and that, and that
and not you either
screaming
i wish i could drift, but the first push is much too scary for me
I hate you
I love the way you smile and the way you wrinkle your nose and the funny way you sneeze
dimple to one side, how cute
achoo
bless me
seething
uncontrollably tame
don't make me do that, eat that, wear that
I don't like her, or him either
I don't like this
or that thing I'm trying so hard to forget
scratching and annoying
clawing at my patience
don't make me turn around
on a silent sea, ears full of salt water
all my silent screams
screaming
screaming
all inside my head

Slip Away

The desire to live is the craving for more. One more sunrise, one more breath, one more Christmas Eve, one more embrace. When deep below the thought process, beneath the conscious mind, a voice is saying over and over again "I want to see, do, hear, experience more. I want to live more." That's what makes life worth living. If I've learned nothing else, I know that the journey is more important than the destination, the work more important the product. But if you have no drive, no destination, how can you possibly have a meaningful journey or a meaningful life? Life must be over when that drive, that craving, has ceased to be a little ditty in your head. If you could disappear without a regret you know that life is meaningless. You are acutely aware that you are toiling without reason.

I don't feel this way today, but I know how easy it is to slip back into that mindset. It is a scarily close cliff to tumble down. When you don't miss anybody in particular, you just know that someone or something is missing, it's easy to feel like there isn't really a purpose to it all. When the only thing you truly crave deep down is for the whole thing to be over, that's meaninglessness. Today I might have drive, but I can let it slip away like it means nothing, and I often do.

As I fight to hold on, it's nice to know that outside my own head, people really do care about me. I'll never be able to bottle it or define it, but I'm aware that it exists. It's like gravity. The only way I know how to fight this is to find a way to care about them, but that isn't the easiest thing to do. When I feel myself start to slip away, I feel them slip away first. But there are moments when I'd do anything to save them, anything to make them happy. I just wish I could feel that way all the time. I wish I always craved life.

Touch

I went to visit Vishwa on Sunday. yay! I had a lot of fun, except for the bit on the train.... I was shaking and freaking out when I got off, I could barely figure out which way was up. But the rest of the day went pretty well. The only thing was that I could feel something changing. It was tangible. I felt myself pulling away, I knew that I was some sort of an embarrassment, I couldn't even hold his hand. I kept pulling away, only kissing him a few times. I don't even really know the reason in a way I can put into words, but I can feel it when I think of him or when he's close by.

We were sitting alone in a court yard, his hand resting on mine, and I did what I'd been meaning to do for a long while. I asked him if he was okay with us still being together even though he was in college. I told him that I didn't want to hold him back from starting his new life at college. He told me he worried that he was holding me back from having a fun senior year. We looked at each other and knew that neither of us were quite ready for it to be over. I'm still having fun, and so is he.

He is really the sweetest guy. He might not notice a whole lot of things but he has a kind heart. We were walking and I barely even noticed a girl struggling with four bags of ice. One fell to the ground and Vishwa darted over to her side of the side walk and offered to help her carry it. I grabbed one and so did he, and the three of us took the ice to the end of the block to her mother's food stand. The girl barely muttered thank you, but it was the type of thing most people don't do. Something that I'm not kind enough to think of. It's really the obvious thing to do, help someone who is struggling, but I hardly notice things like that. I'm oblivious, wandering, clouded in my own little world.

He Said She Said

P finally called me back. Of course the whole thing is my fault. My fault for the email. My fault that I'm selfish. My fault that I'm not patient or understanding. He makes it sound like it's all my fault and he had nothing to do with it. And I know he's right. He's always right.

I just feel like such an idiot. I feel so defeated and awful. Anything I do would be the wrong thing. I cried my eyes out, so I called Anna for sympathy. But before she could pick up I hung up. If I talked to her I'd only be proving him right. That I'm weak and I need someone to talk to all the time.

What if it's over? I'll never get to be friends with him again. I messed everything up and I have to pay for it over and over and over. Every time I think of him I'll pay for it. Everyone tells me he isn't worth it. That he's anti-social and weird. I know he's worth it and I miss him so much. But maybe he never wanted me in the first place. maybe... maybe I'm needy and annoying to all my "friends". They all just pity me. I need some advil for this headache.

Heartbreak and Love

"If this is what it feels like when it's over, then I don't know if love's worth it"

Is love worth it? Watching a friend go through heart break this week, I question the power that love has over us and whether or not it's healthy. He looks alternately extremely depressed and overwhelmingly defeated. He fell so fast and so hard. Theirs was a strong fast flame, the kind that made you jealous. They were so happy, so enveloped in their own world. But now he's been dropped out of that glorious colorful land of love back into the bland boring normal one, he's hit the ground with such force that it's knocked him out of his old spark and character. He's flat, stuck in another time, another version of himself.

Maybe love isn't healthy. At least not this kind. A love like that is like lightening. It strikes quick and beautifully, but with not enough power to sustain it, it leaves behind a shocked and burned victim where ever it hits. Berhaps its better to be a slow rolling thunder. Though not as beautiful or awe inspiring, it lasts long into the night.

I listened to an old broadcast from valentines day about love long into the relationship. It makes me wonder if I'll have the strength to hold on to one person for my whole life. Will I have the patience and willingness to make it work? Past the point where we both have changed? I'd like to believe that love can last into twilight of life, but that sort of love is rare. For long after the spark has burnt out, both parties are willing to stay and support each other in whatever that entails.

But hey, I've never even fallen in love before, how could I have any idea what real commitment is like?

Nothing, Really

I've been neglecting this. I don't know if that's bad or not. But on the bright side I have been awfully healthy lately. I've biked to the moon and back in the past few days. today I went biking down a highway with almost no median in the dark and was almost hit. Just after it happened I thought "I suppose that wouldn't be the worst way to go". I thought I was getting better. The past few weeks I've been pretty happy despite school starting and the Prateek thing. But after the bike ride I feel like listening to depressing music and leaning too far out the window just to feel that danger again.

I feel a lot better about Vishwa at the moment. I feel like I'm comfortable and like maybe things will be fun for a while longer. I just hope that I'm not ruining the start of this new chapter for him. I haven't figured out yet how not to be complaining and naggy without feeling like I don't matter. I need to find a charisma and a new attitude.

I still haven't started recording. Half out of laziness half out of fear that I won't be good enough. I also really want to get these cupcake books with super cute cupcakes in them. I want a lot of things.