Never

I can't help but wonder what her bra size was. What color her cheerleading uniform was. if she passed her drivers test the first time. who her first kiss was. what her favorite brand of make up was. when she first got drunk. what her prom dress looked like. what it felt like to fall in love.

I came home today and organized all her recipes. then I baked the peanut butter cookies that were on a card she typed up on a typewriter. there were a dozen recipes cut out and cards in her hand writing. then I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls in which Rory gets dumped and Lorelei comforts her and at the end I was crying really hard. I failed and she wasn't there to run her fingers through my hair and say it's okay because she failed her driving test once too and aunt patty was even worse and if you could have only seen her.

she didn't explain to me how to use tampons. she didn't help me pick out my prom dress. she didn't ask me how my first date was. we didn't fight about my hair style on picture day. she didn't nag me about making my bed last week. she didn't pick out the new carpet. she doesn't make Thanksgiving crescent rolls or Christmas cinnamon buns. she isn't going to meet Abigail. She won't make a fuss over my graduation pictures. She won't pick out my wedding dress with me. And I miss her all the more for those things I'll never know or remember.