frazzled

I feel like someone emptied the contents of my brain and mixed it all up and then expected me to function normally. I'm sober (well, hung over really) and I feel like I'm high, except with none of the giggles and all of the confusion. My brain can't stay on one topic for more than a tiny amount of time and I'm so unbearably sad and ashamed of myself.

At least I finally hit my goal weight. Two days in a row I'm 136, one of my magic numbers. Another is 134, where I was stuck for about 3 months once on a really long plateau. The lowest I've been since I can remember (like since I was 12) is 130. I'd really like to be under that and into the 120's by Halloween.

I went on a date with a really nice guy I met online. He's tall and dresses like a hipster but is totally approachable and funny and genuine. He seems really moral, which I like but am also a bit weary of, as I am not a very moral person. But I guess he could make me better. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, I think we're going to the park. One thing though, is that he's really skinny. His forearms and thighs are smaller than mine and standing next to him makes me look short and plump. If my calculations are right, I think he's only at the most 10 pounds heavier than me, and he's nearly a foot taller.

I can't focus anymore. I think I'll go to sleep.

To myself

Maybe I should stop telling people my goals and dreams. Because I don't want them to wonder why I never achieve them, and I don't need the humiliation of them knowing I failed when I do. Really I should just keep it all to myself.

Yesterday I had waffles for breakfast with maple syrup and sweet. The whole meal ended up close to 1,000 calories. I walked and biked a lot, but it was still too much, especially at only 11am. I had rice and potatoes and Indian curry for dinner and pita chips and a granola bar when I was drunk.

Oh, the alcohol calories, too. Lots of those. I think it was 2 glasses of wine, 4 shots rum and a beer (plus a lot of marijuana for good measure.) It's too much for my own good.

Despite all this, and the fact that the day before was even worse, I'm so close to my goal. I was 136.6 this morning. I weighed myself and got 136.0 at first, a few times in a row. Then I weighed myself again a few minutes later and got 136.6. I think I'll stick with the higher one and just be happy with it. I need to keep up the losing streak and get to 135 as soon as possible. I want my calorie intake to stay comfortably under 1,000 for this week.

so gross

I got high and ate to much yesterday. I had a whole bag of popcorn and a bowl of soup. Then my roommate made cinnamon buns and I ate those too. So I took a bunch of laxies before bed and I've been feeling the pain ever since. I fucking hate laxatives but I need them. Ouch.

boys boys boys

I swear all I think about lately is boys. I must be like super hormonal or something but all I can think about is talking to them, kissing them, and what it's like to fall in love. This guy from home texted me, wanting me to come see him some weekend soon. My heart was so happy when he was texting me I could barely handle it.

The problem is I'm also crushing on a lot of guys at once. I just love talking to them and need someone to be constantly talking to me. It's like an attention addiction or something. I don't remember ever being like this before.

And it's like a hierarchy. I have a few favorites, ones I like to talk to most. And when I feel like I'm bothering them too much I go to the next one and then the next one and so on. It's taking up far too much of my brain power.

I should be using that brain power to do things for my career or focusing on losing weight or something, I don't know.

One bad thing about our conversation today was that he sent me pictures of the girl he slept with on Saturday. She was so cute and tiny. I'm guessing her BMI was around 16 or 17. So I spent almost a whole train ride thinking about how I want to someday weigh less than half of this guy. He's 6'5 and very muscular, not at all skinny, but almost no fat either. I'm going to guess between 200 and 220. (It's so hard for me to tell guy's weights, it's so much easier with girls) So that would mean I would ideally weigh between 100 and 110 pounds if I were dating him (which is in my healthy bmi range, so I'd still look normal and could maybe even lose more from there)

I'm at a plateau for the last week, but I'm happy considering I lost 8 pounds since August 25. That may not be a lot for the girls online, but it's significant for me. I really want to lose another 2 pounds by Oct 1, though so I can finally be at my goal of 136. Then I think I could lose another 6 by Halloween and be 130. Wouldn't that just be perfect?

I keep dreaming about it... 120 by New Years Eve? That would be too fabulous for words. I haven't been 120 since middle school. middle school. Now that's pathetic. I wasted my high school and half my college years being fat. I'd be so much happier if I were skinny. I swear a third of my thinking time goes to hating how much I eat and how I look. My chest just fills with this enormous hatred and it kills me slowly. Luckily I've found a few ways to rescue myself so all my time isn't wasted and I can at least get some other things accomplished.

Maybe I should go to the school therapist.

137.8

Remember when I said I was doing great? Remember when I said I wouldn't binge and purge anymore? haha it all ended today.

breakfast- smoothie
lunch- 1/2 salad and a peanut bar

I came home and just ate almost 600 calories worth of chips and fruit gummies. Then I had another 600 calories of pasta and sauce. I threw about half of everything up, cried for a while then put on nice make-up and a fancy black dress and went to a sorority event. I hate everything.

This guy I was seeing over the summer and I have been talking the last week and we decided I'd fly down to see him the first weekend of October. I really want to be 135 by then, which would be 8 pounds less than the last time I saw him. I want him to know that I'm working for it, and I want him to want me even more. If another day like today ever happens, I don't know if I'll reach my goal.

shots

I saw a guy I hadn't seen since December last night. We had a bit of a romantic thing going on then, and it's still kind of unsure if it'll pick up again. I don't think I want to be involved with him again, but who knows what I'll say when I'm drunk.

Anyway. I saw him for the first time in a long while and he was thrilled to see me. He just kept looking at me and smiling and he said twice "You look really good."

ugh. I get such a high off of things like that. Last time I saw him I think I weighed somewhere around 155 pounds and last night I weighed 139.2 just as I was leaving the house. He had to leave to go do some homework or whatever and I kissed him as he was trying to leave. I meant to just kiss him once, but he held me tighter and kissed me like he meant it. Then I looked at him and said "I think you were just leaving?"

I ended up sleeping with one of his frat brothers and leaving. Ha. I'm kind of a slut but I love it so much. I love feeling like an object of desire. And I love having sex. Is that such a crime?

I woke up this morning to such a beautiful number. 137.8. That's less than 2 pounds away from one of my biggest benchmark numbers. It's the point when I'll be in the "normal" bmi range, somewhere I haven't been since freshman year. From there it'll only be another 15 pounds to my 21st birthday goal of 121. I want to 136 by next weekend. 

High

No one else would understand so I have to write it here.

I had a smoothie for breakfast:
-frozen berries (58)
-banana (105)
-1/2 cup of vanilla non fat yogurt (85)

a small sweet tea around lunch time (80)

and a low-fat string cheese for dinner (70)

If I counted right I should be just around 400 calories for the day. Fuck yes. I was on a hunger high today. I went shopping and couldn't tell which of my thoughts about the clothes were rational or strange. It was a lot like smoking weed except less giggly and spacey. It was just the irrationality and mellow energy. No wonder fasting is a religious experience.

I love it. But also I know I can't live my life this way. I'd be no fun for my friends and I would never accomplish anything. I'd make terrible decisions and just be a generally inconsiderate person. I don't think starving long term is good for your brain.

But I'm still going to try my best to eat the lowest amount I can and still function. I have so many life goals and I'm not putting them on hold to be thin. I can do both. I am a strong and capable person. Or so I tell myself when I'm high on emptiness.

I really love my classes. They all inspire or teach me in different ways. One of my classes is a little too easy, but that's okay. It's still going to be a good class and it'll cut down some of my stress level. I'm writing this while I take a brea from outlining the US Constitution. I thought it would be boring, but I love doing it. Constitutional law is fascinating.

xx

139.2

Victory is mine. I woke up to 139.2 this morning which means I'm FINALLY out of the 140s. I could bounce up again tomorrow because of water or whatever, but I'm happy for today. I've been steadily losing and it feels amazing. I'm just trying to brace myself for what could be a serious plateau coming up.

Besides my good numbers, today I was sad. I blacked out the end of last night, but apparently I threw up. I hate throwing up drunk. I'm glad to be rid of the calories but throwing up is nasty when you can't control yourself.

I just feel like total shit lately. I'm losing and I feel great about that but I also have so far to go. I have this irrational fear that even if I get to the numbers I want so badly I'm still going to look the same as I did when I weighed 150. I'll still have the round cheeks and squishy arms and enormous thighs.

I want to be thin so much, and finally food is not my controller. For a few weeks now I've gone without any major binges. I did eat a little bit of junk here and there, but there was no late-night raiding of the panty or the freezer. I eat half of what I'm given most days and skip as much as possible. I eat as healthy as I can and focus on whats going to make me feel full the longest for the lowest amount of calories. I figured out I start to feel week and dizzy if I go under 700, but that's not sustainable anyway. 750 to 1200 calories is the sweet spot for sure.

Life, man

For once when I said I'd be restricting last time I posted, I actually followed through. I've been aiming for under 1,000 everyday and I've gotten it most of the time. On my move-in day I went over by a lot,  was around 1,600, but I was moving heavy boxes all day so I think it almost  balanced out to an okay day. Yesterday I only had 629 calories; I had a yogurt and strawberry smoothie (158), a cheese stick and two pieces of sushi (162), and a chicken patty, snow peas, and hummus (309)

I woke up to a good weight this morning, 140.8 which is less than I was all of August. But I also feel like all the life was drained out of me. I had another smoothie this morning but my hands are shaking slightly and I have blurred vision. I hate being this hungry. I'm in compete restrict mode and everything that has to do with food and getting fatter seems slightly repulsive. I'm glad for this, as it makes reaching my goals easier, but I wish I was getting that hunger high and all the clarity I'm used to. I want to be 136 by this concert on the 14th. Besides hitting a major plateau, I know this could happen. It's completely in my power to lose 4 pounds in 9 days.

I really like my new apartment. It's located right near the train to school and it has lots of adorable little shops all around. Plus I love my housemates. The only bad thing is that we've been smoking a lot of weed which has made it harder for me to not eat. Once when we smoked I ended up eating too much cheese and crackers. I took some laxies and I think it's all better now.

Maybe tonight we will have people over to drink. I think that would be so much fun. I just have to be careful not to drink too many calories.

Wish me luck getting this goal :)