boys boys boys

I swear all I think about lately is boys. I must be like super hormonal or something but all I can think about is talking to them, kissing them, and what it's like to fall in love. This guy from home texted me, wanting me to come see him some weekend soon. My heart was so happy when he was texting me I could barely handle it.

The problem is I'm also crushing on a lot of guys at once. I just love talking to them and need someone to be constantly talking to me. It's like an attention addiction or something. I don't remember ever being like this before.

And it's like a hierarchy. I have a few favorites, ones I like to talk to most. And when I feel like I'm bothering them too much I go to the next one and then the next one and so on. It's taking up far too much of my brain power.

I should be using that brain power to do things for my career or focusing on losing weight or something, I don't know.

One bad thing about our conversation today was that he sent me pictures of the girl he slept with on Saturday. She was so cute and tiny. I'm guessing her BMI was around 16 or 17. So I spent almost a whole train ride thinking about how I want to someday weigh less than half of this guy. He's 6'5 and very muscular, not at all skinny, but almost no fat either. I'm going to guess between 200 and 220. (It's so hard for me to tell guy's weights, it's so much easier with girls) So that would mean I would ideally weigh between 100 and 110 pounds if I were dating him (which is in my healthy bmi range, so I'd still look normal and could maybe even lose more from there)

I'm at a plateau for the last week, but I'm happy considering I lost 8 pounds since August 25. That may not be a lot for the girls online, but it's significant for me. I really want to lose another 2 pounds by Oct 1, though so I can finally be at my goal of 136. Then I think I could lose another 6 by Halloween and be 130. Wouldn't that just be perfect?

I keep dreaming about it... 120 by New Years Eve? That would be too fabulous for words. I haven't been 120 since middle school. middle school. Now that's pathetic. I wasted my high school and half my college years being fat. I'd be so much happier if I were skinny. I swear a third of my thinking time goes to hating how much I eat and how I look. My chest just fills with this enormous hatred and it kills me slowly. Luckily I've found a few ways to rescue myself so all my time isn't wasted and I can at least get some other things accomplished.

Maybe I should go to the school therapist.