What's Wrong Baby?

I woke up at noon and then proceeded to watch TV all day. I cleaned my room and took a shower, but other than that I mainly just watched TV. Well, and I ate junk food. I didn't have one meal all day but i had an ice pop and chips and cereal and orange juice and some cookies. It was kind of disgusting. And then before bed I took another 4 advil. Then coincidentally I was talking to Anna (only reader of my blog since D doesn't anymore) (hi Anna!) and she was all 'I'm gonna tell and do the right thing". And then I called P later to talk and I told him I was feeling sick and then ended up somehow saying that I took too much advil and that's probably why my stomach hurts. He started counting and he said if I didn't tell the truth about how much I took he would call poison control. So I told him. But I should have lied. So now both of them think I'm going to die any day now. wonderful.

P worries me so much. But I still love him. We talked until almost 2 am this morning. Near the end he got all truthful and open. Which is heart breaking. After we hung up I laid on the patio for fifteen minutes and then went to bed. I woke up at 5:08, checked what time the sun rises (5:38) and then changed into jeans and went outside. thinking the view of the sunrise would be better, I went to Peddler's to watch it. It was spooky quiet that early in the morning. But it was such a great feeling to be alone with all the shops. I came home at about six fifteen and made a cup of tea. It was too sweet so I threw it out, but the warmth was nice. I felt so sick when I woke up, worse than yesterday. My stomach hurts more and my headache is worse. I would take some advil, but that might be the cause of the problem. I don't think getting two and half hours of sleep really helps all that much either.

By writing here and telling P I'm crying out for help. But I don't want professional help. I just want attention. I think being alone here is an extension of my fear and loneliness at hillside. Everyone's gone this summer and I'm frozen in fear and inability and confusion to this spot where I'm losing brain cells by the handful. I cannot survive like this. And at the rate I'm going, I might not.