I am a pretty terrible person. I showed up at near eleven for Audrey's party with nothing but a dumb card and a meager gift card. It was pathetic and I looked like a complete asshole next to what M and A and everyone got for her. Then I proceeded to act like a jerk. I kept thinking of horrible self centered things and not saying most of them. What kind of a person have I become if I can't carry a conversation unless it relates to me? I'm horrible.
Then at one point M and V and I went to the kitchen to get water and I said horrible bitter things about A's family. I was just so mad that she is so well off and I can't afford college. I couldn't see their faces but I'm sure they pretty much hated me for being such an asshole.
I don't fit in with them anymore. All the time I spend with them I feel stupid and left out and angry and annoyed. I'm not an honors student and I'm mean. I don't give a shit about the kids who get sick at our school, I don't believe in God anymore and I knowingly bash my friends who do, I am a just awful when I'm around them. I have a different mindset about the world and harsh judgments and I curse tons more than they do and I have a much lower moral code. Where the rules mean everything to them, I don't really care anymore. Frankly, it's annoying to be around them.
I know they care. Problem is, I can't understand caring and love right now enough that it matters to me. I'm harsh and rough edged lately, selfish and out of control.
All I can say is I'm sorry you feel that way. There's nothing we can do to change how you feel about any of us... but to tell you the truth I didn't think you were self centered... I was. I just hope you know we love you.
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