Realize

It's that moment when you realize that you aren't beautiful. That you are way out of your league. It's that moment you realize that you will never measure up. When you realize that you aren't what they want. When you realize you're dreams aren't going to be realized. It's that moment when you realize the truth.

It starts with a question. Why didn't they just...? And you think you could have done better. You think of how they must be idiots to make those mistakes. But then you think, if I were in their shoes, I never would have been in that mess because I'm smart enough to stay out of that situation. And then the moment hits. You wouldn't be in that situation because you aren't good enough to have made it far enough to make a bad decision like that. You aren't pretty enough to have gotten that boy in the first place. You just aren't enough to even come close.

I once read a story about a girl who was checking into her room on the upper levels of a hotel. She was climbing into the elevator, and on the elevator door she saw the reflection of a girl she knew, a good friend she was excited to see. But when she turned around to say hello, no one was there. As she walked into the elevator she realized that the girl in the reflection wasn't a good friend, it was herself. The point of the story was that in an unguarded moment she had recognized herself as a good friend. I had the opposite experience today.

Walking past a bathroom mirror, I saw a girl who I mildly thought I recognized. I knew only that I didn't like her very much. As I closed the stall door I realized that I was the only one in the restroom, the girl was me. With a slight shock I came to another realization. The self-hating thoughts that drift across my mind casually and that I occasionally meditate on have become a part of who I am. They have become so central to my person that I recognize my own reflection not as a friend or even a neutral random in the bathroom, but as a negatively associated acquaintance. Hopefully one day that will be different and I can change this part of me. I will think of myself as a friend and not an enemy. I will wonder if maybe I am a bit self absorbed to be thinking so highly of myself rather than wondering if maybe I'm too harsh. My thoughts will be mainly positive rather than harmful.

My mood swings on the randomest of pinpoints. A comment remembered from months ago can make me eat nothing for a whole day. But a children's toy commercial can make me glow with happiness. I exude optimism and sunshine for a few days, but shut down entirely for the next few. And I know I make this realization constantly, but it feels as fresh and raw now as it did years ago.