Moving Slowly

I'm following that awful sound
to a place I know but haven't found
and I know this isn't what you wanted
all along

I'm lying face down on the tracks
I can't go forward, I can't go back
those things you wanted only did
me wrong

And I'm tumbling down the hill
because I lost all my free will
and all of this might make sense in not
too long

I keep thinking that things are going to change. But change doesn't happen unless you make it. I won't get thinner if I just sit and hate myself. I won't get work done just because I write it on a to-do list. I won't get into college if I only send out one application.

My hope is that life and high school aren't the same. I love high school, I really do, but people can be so mean. I am really mean. Maybe things will change on their own just because college is different than high school, but maybe it's me that has to make the change. Laziiiiiness is what rules my mind. How can I manage to only sleep and do no work? those are the thoughts I think. step up! I tell myself, but it's too much work to care, it's much too scary for me anyway.

I teeter on the wall that divides passion from passivity. Sometimes I think I ought to jump in and be involved and happy. Other times I'd rather sit and think and wear my melancholy face. Indecisive. I wish I were consistent.