I'm writing this now but I should have written it earlier when I was happy. Posts always turn out better when I'm in a good mood.
Boy came over for dinner and met my family. I wish my mom could have met him. I think everyone had a nice time though. I didn't eat all day so I could eat around them. I think I looked like I wasn't eating much (because I wasn't) but I made an effort at normalcy. We went out for fucking ice cream too. I hate ice cream, it's so fucking delicious.
We went out for salad and I ate half. then I ate a soft pretzel and pasta later and I was like "fuck it" and ate half the kitchen too. I hate binges! I guess it had to happen some time, though. my best guess puts today at over 1500 calories.
I hung out with M and I let slip in our fun girly chat that I was on a diet. She threw a pillow at me. She said I was skinny. ha. funny joke, M. I needed to say it out loud. "I am on a diet". fuck. I never wanted to get to this place. this place where I'm on a diet. diets are for people losing weight. and that means they're either fat or crazy enough to think they are.
And now I'm avoiding sleeping for reasons I don't understand and trying not to cry about the pictures C posted on facebook of us as kids. I'm fucking round. my first thought was, "oh God, Boy will see those". why should I care what he thinks? why shouldn't I? I don't understand anymore. I hate me. I hate who I was and how I'm not strong enough to be someone else.
I have a million other things to say tonight, but I think you guys are just about up to here with reading my rants. sorry for being me. I'm trying really hard to stop.
Ah, girl, if you weren't you, you'd be just plain ol' boring :) I love you precisely for who you are now, so don't you even DARE apologize for being yourself. I'm sorry about your day, but, you know, 1500 calories is really not that much if you get back on track later... think of it as a metabolism boost- maybe you'll even start losing more weight very soon, you never know :)
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you and Connor, darling! Don't forget to keep us updated :)
And please- never forget that after each dark night, a bright, beautiful and, most of all, a brand new day begins.
Love you so much, you're so very lovely!!
Lu.