Thursday, April 14, 2011

too much

  • my best friend asked my other best friend to prom today in a really cute way. C isn't even gonna ask me cause he can't go. stupid naval academy
  • I can't talk to anyone anymore. I have no words left to say
  • I need to tell someone about this diet thing. I'm losing my mind
  • Almost fainted at practice today cause I haven't eaten anything substantial in three days
  • Binged when I got home. I'm not even trying to figure out calories
  • I was 134 this morning
  • I don't ever feel beautiful
  • I can't focus on anything
  • I suck at discus and javelin is worse. let's not even talk about shot put
  •  my writing sucks
  • my future might not even exist. Not that I'll be successful anyway
  • I'm on my period
  • my whole body is sore
  • I keep thinking about trying all those pills again. Anything so they see me and don't just write me off.
  • I don't know what to do around C. Everyone must think I'm not good enough for him.
  • No one has noticed that I've lost almost 15 pounds
  • meet all day tomorrow, noon till ten at night. I want to fast, it shouldn't be that difficult. I hate the way I look in my uniform
  • My hair is barely blonder even doing sun-in all the time
  • my body doesn't look much different despite all the work
  • I can't deal with people. They make me upset
  • I wish I had a person to tell this all to without them sending me to get help
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7 comments:

  1. Olivia LeeApril 14, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    http://www.suicide.org/suicide-email-support.html

    This is an awesome group that you can email. Check out the site. You send an email to the listed address, someone will personally answer it. If you respond back, it gets circulated to a different person, and these people are all over the world. I've used this a few times, and find it really helpful. Seriously, they have no way of contacting you again, they're just there to read and respond. :) loves

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  2. americaneagleloveApril 14, 2011 at 8:46 PM

    I'm sorry you're having one of those days, when everything just seems wrong. But you're wrong, you ARE beautiful, you DO write beautifully on your blog, you DO have a future, and you ARE an amazing, brave person. Please tell a friend or family member close to you, who won't send you to get help, about how you're feeling, what you're doing. And if you ever need someone to just listen, I'm here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Olivia LeeApril 14, 2011 at 9:13 PM

    er, I'm not sure if you removed my comment. If you did, I am sending you much love and skinnies and did not mean to offend you. :D If not, just click on the link and read doll, I've used this many times before. http://www.suicide.org/suicide-email-support.html

    Again, sorry if I'm reposting what you meant to take down, eep! You are amazing, and I love you and your blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. notapplicableApril 14, 2011 at 9:23 PM

    sorry that your going through so much at the moment, keep your head up - it will get better <3 xx

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  5. determined girlApril 14, 2011 at 11:26 PM

    Aaaarghhhggshgshg, I'm sorry for the little scream of frustration, I just wrote you a comment and was almost done when I hit some random key and it all went bye-bye. Never mind, you're just so important that I will attempt to write and post another comment until I actually succeed :). Alright, here I go again:

    First of all, you (as well as every single one of us in here) know that these feelings are juts temporary, and they will, indeed, go away.. maybe you will not feel better right away, maybe you'll feel better later than you'd like, but it WILL be alright in the end, I promise.

    Now-- please go eat something. Right now. It's never a good idea to fast until the point when you're almost fainting, and I really want to have you around for a little longer :) You are so important, love, please never EVER think you're alone in this (and even though I wish SO VERY MUCH I knew you in person so that we could talk about everything-- and not have to hide a thing-- well, maybe when we're both living in San Francisco, right :), because we all love you so much in here... even though this will never feel as 'real' as if it was coming from someone who'd be saying it to you from face to face, I need to say that you're oh so beautiful, darling, and I love you so much.

    And, of course, if you were right here with me (instead of my roommate :), I'd be screaming a very loud CONGRATULATIONS!!! to you 134.. wow, girl, you're great, and I mean it. However, I still think you should eat something NOW.

    Ok, this has gotten excessively long, but-- can you feel the love? I tried very much... hope you feel better soon, sweetie-pie.

    It will all be alright, don't you worry.
    I think you just think too much (well, something else we have in common ;)

    Lots and lots and lots of love!!!
    Lu.

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  6. determined girlApril 14, 2011 at 11:28 PM

    Wow, it actually is way longer than I though. Sorry for making you read all thar... I just never learnt to write concisely ;)

    Love youuu!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. determined girlApril 14, 2011 at 11:29 PM

    Aaargh, sorry for all the typos, this does not seem like a good commenting evening.

    Love love love!!

    ReplyDelete

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