I think I know how I can win this game. Simple. Just spend more time on planning and strategy. If I plotted out each day in advance, when I would eat each meal and possible options, I'd never need to panic or spin out emotionally over whether or not to buy anything with carbs in it. But to plan, I must be more focused, and set time apart for the planning. That's the key, really.
But what if it works? What if I'm successful? Not just in this weight thing, this thing that really in the end only matters to me. What happens if I can get my shit together and venture into the larger world? I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to be me when I grow up. I'm not going to magically transform into wonder woman in order to be independent. Little me, feeble and frightened, has to do all the things I've dreamed up for myself. In my own skin, I have to chase a career and a relationship, to travel, to earn money and build a life, a family. How could I do any of those things? I'm just not capable, I'm inadequate.
I'm so fucking terrified of growing up and growing older. What happens when I'm 25 and 30 and 40? I'm only good at being young. Maybe I'll always be this emotional, but I hope not. I'd rather be peaceful, accepting. Confident. I want to be a lot of things.
I can really relate to this. I'm terrified of growing older too. I'm having a bit of a crisis because I'm about to turn 21 and I still feel 16. I thought I'd be much more independent, more 'together' by now.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with trying to plan your days more. It really does take a lot of stress off.
xx
"i'm only good at being young." ugh. i completely understand. oh, jax. you're capable, you're adequate. you just don't know it yet. i believe in you, my friend. xx
ReplyDelete