Some days, when I'm listening to loud music in my headphones and zoning out, I scroll and scroll through tumblr or different blogs for thinspo. A lot of it scares me. I don't want to be scary thin, and I can never ever look like a VS Angel, none of it is relevant to what I want to be. I just want to be this magical "perfect", I don't even know what the goal looks like. Just smaller in general.
On monday I spent most of the day in the ER getting my blood drawn and my heart rate measured so I could be cleared medically to start treatment. I'm in an outpatient program that involves a lot of group therapy and eating a regulated meal. The meal is torture, I swear. We have to meet quantity requirements in a few food categories, and everything always feels like too much.
I've been so afraid of purging since treatment started, and since the dizzy spinning incident, that I've been avoiding anything that might make me purge. Which is most foods in any average portion size. On the days I go to the outpatient program I end up eating 1200 calories or so, and on the days I don't go it's been about 500-900 calories a day. And it's been working, which feels nice. On Sunday, when I got home from Philadelphia and Washington DC I weighed 138 pounds. Then on Thursday I weighed 132. And today 131. I want to be at 129 by next week, I need this.
Tonight I'm going on a date with a guy who runs the trivia at work. I'm nervous that it will be awkward, or that I will embarrass myself. I'm also nervous about the fact that I have to tell him I definitely can't see him again, I really am not up to dating or being with guys at all right now.
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