Self Sabatoge

I sleep with a lot of guys I meet online. I'm fat and I look bad in pictures, I'm not really pretty, at least not in any way more than a passing average. And I know that I could look 100 times better if I weighed at least under 120 pounds. Like at that weight I would look slim, but definitely not hot, not the best I could be. I think I'd look good at under 110 ultimately. (check out this website, what real women look like. It's awesome for comparing weights and heights, and a lot of times good thinspo.)

If I want to be the best looking that I can be, I need to be slim. And slim girls work for their bodies. So I'm thinking to jumpstart my new diet with a ton of caffeine. Today I had two excedrine (with caffeine) and a cup of super caffeinated tea. I didn't eat until 7:30 and I was buzzing off the high of caffeine with no food to soften the affects. I was super sharp, to the point of being light-headed and having shaking hands and racing heartbeat. It was kind of fun, like walking line of crazy and sane.

I had two classes, and in my journalism class, my professor critiqued our screen presence. I look obese on camera. I have a lumpy body, chubby cheeks, no defined jaw line, and squinty eyes. I've gained at least ten pounds since September (my scale broke and I have terrible eating habits lately, not helped by the enormous amount of weed I smoke with my roommates) and I can tell by my face and my arms. My best guess is that I weigh somewhere around 146 pounds, ten more than I did on the first of October.

Anyway. I had all the caffeine and a terrible day of fatness, and then I came home and ate a slice of bread and drank half a glass of wine at 4pm. Then I cleaned the whole house and ate sushi at 7:30 (about 450 calories). Then I made the mistake of smoking with my roommates. So I had a pot of tea and a few tea cookies that ended up turning into 6 plain tea cookies, 3 oreos, two mini chocolates, and a bunch of little crackers. It was probably close to 600 calories (so not the worst binge ever, it could have been globs of peanut butter or full-fat ice cream or salty fried chips, but it was still bad) I felt sort of bad, but not really all that terrible until I started looking at pictures of myself on Facebook.

I am so ugly and fat. Pictures of my face only look good from certain angles, and pictures of my body almost never look attractive. I worked myself up so much that I went into the bathroom, shut the door, turned on the shower and vomited everything that would come up. I kept going and going until I could only spit up the water I was drinking to help everything come out. It hurt, but it was a good punishment and (sort-of) a fix for the bad eating I'd done earlier. Now I'm drinking chamomile tea as I write this.

This whole way of thinking about myself sucks because I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a feminist who can support herself and be happy regardless of how I look, but I really care about looks. Feeling fat seriously controls a lot of my thoughts throughout the day. When I am happiest I am not thinking about my weight at all. (But then again, I think of my weight least when I'm not focused on losing any) It's a catch 22. If I don't focus on losing weight I'll never lose any, but if I think about it, I'll definitely think about it too much and it'll make me sad and then I'll binge and then I'll starve and the whole eating disorder cycle starts again.

But another part of me wants that to happen, cause at least then I'd be skinny and in control of my body. I lost 12 pounds in September. I think I can do that again before I go home for Christmas break. Then hopefully I can be home for Christmas and come back to Cambridge quickly so I can work, make money, and not sit at home and eat Christmas junk food with my family. Then I could maybe maybe maybe be 132 on New Year's Day? I would love that. It would mean I could make a nice resolution like weigh under 120 by summer and start on a good foot so it could maybe come true.

I have all these plans to be thin, but in the mean time I need someone to talk to and give me their attention. So I keep sleeping with men double my age who I meet online. They like me because I'm young and taboo. Or I sleep with college boys who flirt with me drunkenly at parties. I can be so drunk I can't function, and they'll still try to sleep with me, and of course I'll say yes. They like me because I'm easy. And after I have sex with these people I always feel bad, but I keep seeking out unattached sex because I need the attention- I need to feel wanted, even if it's in the cheapest way. I want a relationship but I know I'm not good enough for one, so I sleep with everyone, which only makes me less worthy of good relationship.

My life is a mess. I just wish I could fix it all without making it a big deal. When I think about therapy (which I tried last week) it makes me feel like I'm not strong enough to handle my life and my problems on my own. Poor people can deal with much bigger obstacles than mine without any help. I'm just too lazy, too incapable, and too whiney. I'm spoiled. Or maybe just too stupid to figure life out.