Knots

After I wrote here last night I tried to go to sleep but ended up tossing and turning thinking about registration for classes. So I sat in the kitchen an did some more research, and then my roommate came and sat across the table. She cried that she couldn't sleep, I was worrying her. She said she knows I throw up, that all my roommates know. And she knows I sleep with men I meet online, she thinks its stupid and dangerous.

It was like she ripped all my secrets away from me. On some level I knew that she knew, and I knew that the other roommies know, too. But it really hurt to hear that from her. She made me feel so stupid and pathetic. They all talk about me, like I'm someone to pity.

I cried, too. Then we talked about her complicated boy problem, and then we went to bed at 3am.

I spent all day thinking about a lot of things. First, how angry I am at her. But also how grateful I am to have her care so much about my health and safety. I'm embarrassed about the online sex thing, I hate myself for being careless. I hate them for looking. My stomach hurts with worry, the pain of throwing up so often these past couple days, and all the caffeine. I take caffeine pills and drink way too much tea. Now I'm just lying in the house, not talking about the only thing I can think about. I'm dying a little at a time, I think.

Today-
apple (purged in the school bathroom)
cheese
gummies
potato soup
bread
butter
hot tea
cold tea
peanut bar (purged)

the total might be around 1000, not really exactly sure. But I'm not exactly sure today's calorie count even matters.

I was thinking of maybe taking the day off tomorrow, but with all the work I have and all the responsibilities, I don't think it's really an option.

And on top of it all, I think I'm going to get a C in ethics, despite my best efforts. And probably a C in science, too, but I deserve that one.