like, the entire contents of the shelves in our suite.
i came home yesterday from a nice walk and was just like "hungry...." and ate everything.
i think my suite mates are mad cause i ate all the food. lol i think i'd be mad too.
and that was like all weekend, i ate waayy too much.
so much for fasting. that only worked for like a day and a half.
and then i went to the drug store an hour ago and got laxies and diet pills. I took 2 laxies and 3 diet pills.
tomorrow's plan:
go to class
go to the gym
shower
take diet pills
go to class
get academic advising appointment
do homework
do application for summer program
work
snack
diet pills
finish homework
watch tv/hangout
go to sleep
i hate this painful nonsensical secret cycle. i binge and starve, always terrified to purge. i think to myself how terrible it is that im alone and no one knows about this disorder. but i also think im not sick, that maybe i just validation for making myself feel so disgusting. what ever's been going on, it sucks. and im not thin enough to get mental help yet. i need people to understand.
i don't think i wanna grow up.
nothing makes sense.
I know how you feel. I feel that if I told anybody about my disorder, they wouldn't believe me. But its not just about what you look like on the outside. Thoughts are more disabling than anything physical. Just try to keep your thoughts simple and calm. Whenever am feeling out of control, I put on some music and dance. It purges my head of erratic thoughts and I feel much better after.
ReplyDeleteI could have easily written this post myself, that's how much I relate to it. Especially this listing, I am obsessed with making lists. Eating disorder, it's just something I must hide, there are no two ways about it.
ReplyDeleteRemember, you're not alone, we're here for you and we know how you feel. So when you're feeling like that, talk to us and we will support you.
i know exactly how you feel; i feel that if anyone found out about my disorder, they'd leave me or not believe me, and i dont know which would be worse. hang on lovely, xo.
ReplyDeleteI think this all the time. I'm not allowed to get help until I LOOK like I need it. We're a bit fucked up I guess...
ReplyDeleteAND GET OFF THE DAMN LAXATIVE CYCLE NOW. ITS SO HORRIBLY ADDICTIVE STAY AWAAAAAAY
xxx