dreaming

I don't think I've ever been in love. I thought maybe I loved the last boy, the one who talked real sweet and kissed me sweeter. But I don't think I did.

See the thing is, I believe love is forever. And if I had loved him truly, it would have taken me longer to get over him. As in, I'd still be aching for him. But I'm not aching for him. I'm not aching for any boy. I'm aching for my family, I miss them dearly. I'm aching for my mother, who waits for me in the sleepy moments just before I'm awake. I'm aching for my friends, who are off creating lives just as complicated and exciting as the one I'm making for myself up here in the city.

When I find my love, I think I'll know. Not that I won't have doubts, but I'll understand why God made him an irreplaceable part of my story. I'll understand why this boy needs me and why I need him.

My mother had this dream about the house she bought with my father. It wasn't a large house, or an especially beautiful one. It was one that she worked hard to make into a home. She planted flowers and trees, she painted the walls, and picked out the perfect furniture She forged relationships with our neighbors, and was the type of woman that planned parties and clubs, things that disappeared with her. My mother was powerful and beautiful and she made her dreams happen.

One of the dreams my mother had for that house was that her children would take wedding photos on the steps in the front hall. That my prince would be standing at the foot of the stairs as I descended them in a cloud of white fabric. I got a glimpse of this at the start of the summer. On the evening of my graduation, I walked down the stairs in my white crinoline dress. My hair was lightly curled and my make-up was perfect. As I came down, my boyfriend looked up and opened his mouth in surprise. "You look... beautiful," he said, in that wonderfully astonished way that makes you glow from the inside out.

That moment was lovely and I can't wait for it to happen again- for real this time. The man will love me fully, and I will love him, too. I don't think I've ever been in love. But I will be one day soon, and then I can start picturing the moment he sees me carefully descending the stairs in my mother's dream house.