not throwing up

Do you ever get that feeling that doing the wrong thing is what you want most of all? I do. I keep doing these things to myself, these terrible things and I know that even if someone tried to stop me I'd do them again.

I kneel on the ground, chug a liter of water and push a toothbrush to the back of my throat. I gag and my tongue goes back and then I pull out. I wimp out. I look at my reflection in the toilet water and start to cry. I'm afraid. I'm shaking and I'm crying and I'm so fucking afraid.

Pretty soon the waves of guilt roll over me. I can't stand sitting there doing nothing with all this chocolate in my stomach. I didn't even enjoy it. I just chewed and swallowed to fill up this massive hungry space in my stomach. 

I ate today, that's the funny part. I had two apples, a cupcake that a friend gave me, 2 brownies, and white hot chocolate with my girl friends, and then 4 rice cakes with iced tea. I had dinner too, I had chicken and rice and a massive salad. But after dinner I was still starving so I ate all the chocolates people gave me that I swore I would throw out. I ate them one after another after another. Nothing made me less hungry, I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and be full. I wanted so badly to be full. And then I flipped the switch. And all I wanted was to be empty again.

How can girls get addicted to throwing up? I don't get it. I can't do it. I haven't thrown up since my mother was around. That's more than half a life time ago. 

This is the second day in a row that I ate too much. I had everything terrible yesterday and double that today. I feel like the biggest failure ever. I have no good qualities. I suck. I am nothing. I am disgusting. I am a big fat round zero.