all that

I want to just lie down and think right there<<<< in the midst of all that beauty. But I dont want anyone there with me. I want to be alone with the flowers and the sunshine and the mountain. No camera to distract from living right now. Because if all that stuff was there, all that real life, I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd have to think of how I looked and remember how ugly I am. Remember that no matter what I wear or put on my face or do to my hair, I will never be that girl who fits in this picture. I'd be an ugly fat alien. If anyone saw me there, or worse had a picture, the whole thing would be lesser. less beautiful. it's a pity, really. when all I want is beauty and because I'm me I'll never have it.

This morning I ate about 700 calories. It was disgusting. I think disgusting is the word of my life. Its just describes me in every way.

ADD moment- god I have bad self esteem. bad self esteem is so unattractive. I need to change that.

I've been feeling awfully alone lately. Like I am the only inhabitant of a world that is made of warped mirrors and windows into other people's beautiful lives.

I always think that the people you meet online don't exist. I know that's crazy. in my head I think- "I wish Ariana and Sofia and Haley existed so that I could actually talk to them." 

Sorry for making you guys into people made of air. I know you deserve better than that. 

The "real" people in my life also seem to be getting less real. like they are switching places with my online life. They talk and i have trouble listening. and everything they say irritates me. I can't be around my friends anymore. 

I have another blog. My friends used to comment and it meant everything to me. I live for comments. but they haven't in a while. I feel bad when I don't comment on blogs here. It's just that I worry about saying the wrong thing. I'm sorry. I'm always sorry.

and another thing I'm sorry for: you've all probably seen these pictures ten thousand times.