I read Portia di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness last week. I read it in only two days; it was an amazing. In the epilogue she talked about how she finally healed and recovered and how diets don't work. Feeling deprived always makes you want to binge. So now she has this radical eating plan- she just eats whatever the hell she wants. If she feels like ice cream, then she eats it. If ice cream sounds too sweet or too cold, she doesn't. She eats healthy because it makes her feel good.
So I think that's what I'm going to do. I've been counting calories on my ipod since 2009. And I am still at almost the same weight I was then. Obviously it's done me no good. I'm trying to choose the foods that will make me feel my best, and not think about the calories.
It's really hard though. At work yesterday I caught my image in the mirror and started to cry. I look so disgustingly huge. So I went into the bathroom to sob and count up everything I'd eaten that day. It was awful and sent my head spinning off to that self-loathing, number-crunching place it always goes.
But this is going to be good for me. The control freak in me is screaming that I'm losing weeks of data. That I should keep tallying my calories simply because I always have and having that much data is comforting.
Another big thing in my life is that I broke up with my boyfriend. I've never been dumped or really broken up with anyone, it's always been that we come to a mutual decision that the relationship is not working or there is some obstacle in the way of us being together, like one of us moving 6 hours away. But this time I broke up with him. He cried and I felt bad. And then I cried when he was gone and called him to apologize and asking if I was too harsh.
I feel empty now. I didn't realize that breaking up with someone is so hard. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that I never was really in love with him. I was in love with having someone to see all the time, having someone to claim me as his, and I was in love with the physicality of it. But he himself I was never in love with. Does that sound awful? So I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss him, I miss being in a relationship. Someone else, someone I like, is bound to come along. Right?
So I think that's what I'm going to do. I've been counting calories on my ipod since 2009. And I am still at almost the same weight I was then. Obviously it's done me no good. I'm trying to choose the foods that will make me feel my best, and not think about the calories.
It's really hard though. At work yesterday I caught my image in the mirror and started to cry. I look so disgustingly huge. So I went into the bathroom to sob and count up everything I'd eaten that day. It was awful and sent my head spinning off to that self-loathing, number-crunching place it always goes.
But this is going to be good for me. The control freak in me is screaming that I'm losing weeks of data. That I should keep tallying my calories simply because I always have and having that much data is comforting.
Another big thing in my life is that I broke up with my boyfriend. I've never been dumped or really broken up with anyone, it's always been that we come to a mutual decision that the relationship is not working or there is some obstacle in the way of us being together, like one of us moving 6 hours away. But this time I broke up with him. He cried and I felt bad. And then I cried when he was gone and called him to apologize and asking if I was too harsh.
I feel empty now. I didn't realize that breaking up with someone is so hard. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that I never was really in love with him. I was in love with having someone to see all the time, having someone to claim me as his, and I was in love with the physicality of it. But he himself I was never in love with. Does that sound awful? So I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss him, I miss being in a relationship. Someone else, someone I like, is bound to come along. Right?
Ooh, I read Portia's book, too.
ReplyDeleteIt really hits home, and I'm so glad she managed to become healthy.
Hopefully someday we will get there as well.
I think you did the right thing by breaking up if it wasn't so much about the person as it was the "relationship". It just makes it that much more difficult to find the person you're really meant to be with if you are in a relationship with someone who you don't really care about in that same way. Your explanation doesn't sound awful - I think a lot of people, myself included, have done the same thing and been in that same place.