less than

It's been a really crushing day. I went to the beach for the first time this summer with my family and wore a bikini. I looked so bad in it, and my skinny health freak aunt and anorexic cousin were judging me. Then we all ate cinnamon buns for lunch (my aunt's big splurge of the week, and she only had half) and I felt like everyone was watching to see how much the fattest girl in the family would have.

Then we drove home to go to a family friend's going away party. Her uncle sat next to me at the "adult" table and condescendingly talked to me like I was some kind of free loading idiot. He asked about my new apartment and then made a comment to my dad about how much he was spending for it. I said it was actually cheaper than a dorm, and he asked me if I knew you had to pay for HBO. I was seething. Of course I know you have to pay for premium tv channels and I have never subscribed to them in my life, I'm not a spoiled brat who just expects everything. Then we were talking about reading books and I said I'd actually read a lot this summer. He then made some remark about me taking advantage of my dad's credit card to buy things off the internet. Um, no. I use my own money to buy the things I want and I'm sorry I'm completely financially independent by age 19. I hate people who talk down to those younger than them, it's like he doesn't realize I have thoughts or feelings just because I'm not 30 and married like him.

I got an exit from the party in order to drop off my brother for a camping trip with his friends. They're sleeping all together on this island on our river before they all move into their college dorms at the end of the week. Listening to them talk about all the people that would be there and all the booze and adventure I was so flattened. I was jealous of their friendship, and how my brother turned out cool and I turned out to be the fat emotional older sister who thinks she's cool because she occasionally drinks with her sorority sisters. He's always been better than me, but soon without the barrier of college and high school everyone will be able to see it so much more clearly.

There are so many reasons I'll never be happy or successful, but I feel like today I was reminded by a lot of them all at once. I'm sure tomorrow will only be worse.