being a wallflower has its perks. i guess thats why its my favorite book. i can crawl right inside and fit in so perfectly. people care about charlie, and people care about me. I want to show it and i want to fit in, but im so shy i can't. i try my best at first, and almost succeed, but then i start thinking about how i'm the fattest and ugliest one at the whole party. then i find it difficult to open my mouth. it's tempting just to cry and hide, but that only makes things worse in the long run.
i thought i was bipolar, but im pretty sure its just crippling self esteem. sometimes i can pretend that i dont care what people think or what i really think about how i look, but mostly its a pretty big lie to keep telling myself.
im also lazy. im too lazy to change things. which is embarrassing to admit.
one of my best friends was there, and i loved him for that- i wasn't alone while i was feeling like shit.
im dramatic and i'm not going to change just because the date does. it's a process and i have a feeling im not strong enough to keep it up.
i kept wondering why i was invited. why the hell i was one of the people that made the list. i dont fit in. and i'm pretty damn sure i wont be invited again after how i acted. but maybe a party isn't cliche-worthy without the token wallflower.
Hey Charlie. I did notice towards the end of the party that you started to seclude yourself. You just kinda sat there by the mirror and didn't move and stared. But you didn't start that way Jackie, at the beginnig you were talking to people and that jesse (that foreign kid) but later, near when the ball dropped, you started to become that wallflower. Don't worry so much and keep beating yourself up thinking you don't fit in. Only once you do that do you become what you're so afraid of being.
ReplyDeleteBe confident in who you are.
aw dd <3
ReplyDeletehe's right.
and those sites youre following with the girls who are losing weight are kind of sickening.
ReplyDeleteto tell you the truth, i wish i could do what they do. but i never would. it's NOT HEALTHY. the one girl was saying how she only had a net consumption of calories of like 200.
i mean, in theory youre supposed to burn the amount of calories you eat per day, but the way they are so obsessed... i worry for you, based on your resolutions.
anyway, just wanted to let you know i noticed.
no one should want to be anorexic.
fuck... i didnt know you could see that... well. im not like that. it's just my strange obsession. like how some people like watching other people get hurt on the home video show. i don't know. it's just fascinating to me i guess.
ReplyDeleteoh and alex cohen and tom thought we were dating, haha. ;)
ReplyDelete