almost

It was almost a good day. almost. I was doing really well at first- I ate 1 waffle this morning (super small kind) and only half a sandwich and water for lunch and 40 cals worth of popcorn for snack. but then I was so starving from the past few days and I just caved. It was terrible.

When I saw what we were having i freaked internally because I loooove pad thai. when I smell it I die and go to a ginger soaked heaven. oh god, I love that stuff and I knew it would ruin me. and it did. when I started with my tiny helping I just couldn't help it after that. I just kept going and couldn't stop. I was so hungry and so empty. all I wanted was the taste and the fullness.Then my dad left and all hell broke loose. One of my weak points is being home alone. it makes me want to eat like no other. I swear, I turn into a bear or an elephant of something. I just want food, food, food. and thats what I did. I ate a ton of chips and like 10 cookies and 3 glasses of milk right after I had another huge helping of pad thai.

Strait after I had the worst stomach pains. and I tried to make myself throw up but as soon I start gagging I just give  up every time. throwing up frrreeeeaks me out so much. I can't do it. I admire mia girls so much. and ana girls of course. I'm just not good enough to be like them. I'm weak and I can't fix my sorry self.

So now I have terrible stomach pain and a conscience covered in indulgence and disgust. I feel so gross and like such a failure. I only wish I were skinny and could do what ever the hell I wanted.