un-photogenic

i feel the urge to post here (and i suppose update posts too) like 50 times a day. but what ever.

i hate hate hate hate hate my prom pictures. and my senior pictures. looking at them makes me literally cry. i look at them for too long and pretty soon i'm crying. not just a tear of self pity- a heaving, can't-breathe, puffy-eyes, wailing, two-year-old-who-hit-her-head kind of cry. i have to jump in the shower so no one can hear me throwing a self loathing hissy fit.

i guess they make me so upset because i always dreamed of being beautiful when i went to prom and i had fantasies about how i would look in the yearbook when i was a senior. but none of that came true. instead i'm a fat, ugly, disgusting disappointment. oh god, why did i let myself get here?

today i go to the doctors. i can't wait to see how much i really weigh. i want a scale so bad. i love weighing myself but i always hate the results. call me an optimist, but i always expect it to go down even though it almost never does. i'm going to get my forms filled out and to check out whats making me sick.

*update: 147.2 is what the doctor scale said. thank the lord it's closer to the wii fit thing than the mountain house scale. i would have just died if it were above 150. 

ate pasta again, i hate soup so its what i eat when i'm sick (+250)

orange juice for vitamin c (+110)
chocolate (wtf do i keep eating it. it's wayyyy too damn addicting) (+300)
black tea w/ 1/4tsp sugar (+5)
orange juice thinger from DD (+220)

total: 885