something I wrote a while back

I have this obsession with a size 6 prom dress. size 6 really isn't even that small. it's like average on the chubby side (at least for my height...) because with my build and height I should be so much smaller than I am.

I know that being skinny isn't always great. it's one of those suffering terrible things when girls starve themselves. but right or wrong (and I know you'll say I'm wrong) I find it so romantic. it's physical and graceful and controlled. it's the ultimate self control. it's the type i dream of. the type that can only be photographed in black and white.

At least while they're suffering, they look pretty while they're doing it. I look more like a depressed whale.

The trouble with matching is that the other person can always pull it off better than me. if everyone wears the same black dress, it's easier to compare and see how wide and nasty I am. And my sister is beautiful and long and thin and tan. i'm short and chubby with a forgettable face.

i could have had everything. i could have been queen of high school if i had been skinny. If I wasn't a gluttonous pig. i would be happier and better if i had been skinny.

But i'll keep lying to myself. I'll say that I'm average when the voice in my head knows i'm not. i'll try to diet, but I know it'll fail. i'm too much of a pig to starve for more than a few days and i'm too afraid to stick my finger down my throat. I'll run and lose a few pounds, but they'll be back in a few weeks anyway. I'm a lost cause. and an ugly one at that.