Crowded

The first snow of the year is coming down outside my window; a beautiful, white, train-delaying snowfall. I woke up only minutes ago with that hazy what did I do last night? confusion at the front of my brain. I know I smoked last night, darn it. Did I eat anything after I got back from the party? Oh yes, I remember.

Yesterday's daylight hours were spent napping in a heap on top of my blankets. Then when it was dark out and I was finally awake, I felt the resounding loneliness for the first time. Loneliness, whatever else it is, is always surprising. It sneaks up on me and then with a pang I look around to find no one and start to regret and pity myself. So I walked aimlessly, finally deciding to go sign up at a gym. I've been meaning to do this for ages but yesterday I finally made that awful financial decision. At a price that adds up to more than $2 per day, I better really like this place and use it a lot.

Then I took a meandering loop home, stopping to try on a few sweaters that all make me look huger than I already look and peer into windows. Home again. Alone still. What to do? I pack a few bowls, watch a television show on Netflix, drink decaf coffee. Then I brake the healthy few days I've been having and binge. (greek fro-yo bar, peanut butter, crackers, pretzel twists, nutella) I'm not bursting full but I've ruined my intake for the day. This is why I'm fat, this is why I must give up this awful smoking and eating alone habit. Because of the peanut butter I don't even consider purging, pb is always too painful and difficult to get back up.

A text from my roommate. A party down the street. I get dressed, apply eye shadow and so much cover-up, grab a belgian white beer from the mini-fridge and meet her downstairs in the kitchen. She's already drunk and high, I'm only high and full of food. We walk to the party together, almost getting lost on our way to a place we go all the time. She quickly finds her crush and they disappear together, leaving me to wade through crowds of underclassmen I've never seen before. I feel suddenly old. Upstairs I find the people I know, but I don't want to talk to them either, really. But I stay until 1:30 anyway, simply because I was stalling the lonely walk home when I'd have to pass large raucous groups of boys, stumbling giggling groups of girls, couples pressed up against a brick wall outside a bar. Home again. More tv, more snacks, more shame on me. I finally fall into fitful sleep around 3.