Recognition

First shift back at work, everyone was very excited to see me. It felt almost as if I'd never left, in fact waiting tables has never been easier. I've made fewer mistakes in the last two shifts and gotten a lot of complimentary comment cards, which always feels great. Another big plus- I get tons of steps on my fitbit. Yesterday I got over 16k, my personal best!

Funny/terrible thing happened on the shift last night. I greeted a table in the back of the restaurant and immediately recognized one of the two women. Who is she? Why do I recognize her? And then she started speaking and I realized she was one of the case managers from my eating disorders outpatient program. In fact, she was the one who pushed hardest for me to be removed from the program because I wasn't meeting the attendance requirements. Talk about awkward. When I asked for their drink orders she looked at me and I knew she recognized me, too. Thank goodness she didn't say anything. My heart beat so quickly as I was walking away, my hands were shaking when I poured their two glasses of ice water.

After work my boyfriend met me at my apartment. It was exciting to see him after a full month away. I left on December 20th and flew back yesterday. We talked and when he finally kissed me, it felt like a memory. Sex started slowly, like we were jus getting to know each other again. And it hurt for me, my body is out of practice. After only a little while I had to ask him to stop, and asking made my tears well up. I'm so embarrassed, for ruining what should have been a special reunion, for not living up to his expectations of me. I know he was expecting a hot, steamy, marathon night. Instead I was reduced a shaking crying puddle, nearly sobbing in pain and unable to speak from the humiliation.

I wanted to tell him to cheat on me. Please, sleep with someone prettier, someone with a nice body. Not a pasty, dimpled, lumpy blob like me. Please, cheat on me, you have my permission. I'm a disappointment and I can't live with this guilt.

1/21:
b-black coffee and lemon water
l-pear turkey walnut salad, baguette, iced coffee
s-raspberries
d- (haven't eaten it yet but thinking about some pizza, maybe soup.)
s-beer beer beer

Going to have drinks and sing karaoke tonight with my roomies and school mates. Missed them dearly while I was in Pennsylvania and now I get to be back in their routine.