an almost kiss

My friend and I have this tradition. When ever we're home for break from college, we choose a night and hang out. We park out cars in a parking lot near a shopping center and just walk around the block for hours. It's one of my favorite parts of school vacations.

Last night, he texted me and we met at our usual spot. I was so happy to see him and we talked about a lot of  things, as usual. We like to mix important issues with really really silly things. that's one of the many parts of our friendship that I love.

We ended up holding hands and dancing this time, which felt natural and fun. All night we had been flirting, but it's always that way between us. We're always touching and play fighting and messing around. And then he looked at me funny, and asked if it would be okay if he kissed me. I said no.

A little back story. In high school, we were really good friends. We had most of the same classes and were always together on group projects. Plus, our last names are close alphabetically, so we were always seated together and put in the same home room.

By the middle of ninth grade, I already had a huge crush on him. I even wrote him a letter confessing my crush, but I never sent it. He had several girlfriends and flings and whatever else, and they never ended well. See, when he likes a girl, they become his whole world. Of anyone I know, I think he is the person that loves people with the most passion and devotion. But then quick as it started, he loses interest or she does, and it's over. Sometimes, it was really hard to watch, cause for a little while after he seemed a little heartbroken. 

I was ugly in high school. I was chubby and I didn't know how to dress or do my hair or make-up. I said all the wrong things and was either stone quiet and sad or hyperactive and spazzy. Basically, not the type of girl that guys would get a crush on. 

I didn't say no rudely, I don't think. I looked at him and paused, and then I said, very gently, "I don't think that's a very good idea." Then he quickly said, "it's just something that I regret not doing in high school."

Part of me thinks that he only said that to save his ego, that he really does like me, and me saying no hurt him. But the other part of me believes him, that at some point he did return the feelings I had for him then.

There are a lot of reasons I said no to that kiss. He had just broken up with his girl friend (who actually sort of looks like me, except she's prettier) and we're both leaving to study abroad this week. And he's in ROTC, a whole other bundle of issues. The biggest reason, though, is it would have made our friendship a bit awkward. Of course there's this question in my mind still, that maybe it would have been fine. Maybe I should have just been braver and just kissed him.

But considering his track record with girls, I think it's better that I didn't. That way if we both really do like each other down the road, we'll have a real shot at a relationship. And I would love that more than anything.