immature

Is it really bratty that I'm literally living in a castle and I'm still feeling sad? yeah. I think it is.

Today I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry. And I still feel like I want to just sob. I'm surrounded by people who love me, and still I feel so alone and sad.

One of my friends here is very honest. And very full of herself. All she likes to do is get drunk and talk to boys. Last time we went out 3 different boys bought me drinks. 1 boy bought her 2 drinks, and she brags about it all the time. Once she told the story at a breakfast table, and when I added that boys had bought me drinks as well, she added "well, it's not that hard to get a guy to buy you a beer."

Anyway. Whatever, minor annoyances. Today she told me she didn't really mind where I went on travel weekend, I should go meet some new people. I started to cry, and ducked into another part of the store we were in. I knew she likes our other roommate Leah much better than me, but now I feel like she'd just rather not have me around at all.

Saying and thinking things like that are so juvenile, and I know that. But still I can't help feeling that way anyways. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to move on and be confident enough to do my own thing.

The European scale says I weigh 66 kg. That's 145, so at least I haven't gained any weight. But I want to be below 60 kg by the time I leave this place. I think this regime will start with not drinking as much alcohol and replacing some of my carbs at meals with plain black tea.