My ears are ringing

This week was really bad calorie-wise. Except Monday, it's basically been a marathon binge. Sorry to disappoint. I also don't run anymore. I don't know what's been wrong with me. I'm sorta.... I guess it's a little dose of ennui. Luckily, there are enough distractions going on to take my mind off the grey all-encompassing splotch that's been settling over my mind. I don't really go online to read or comment on blogs or tumblr or even check email anymore. I'm sorry for leaving you all. But I'm re-committing, don't worry, I'm back again.

My school had a black and white dance last night. I wore black leggings and a white shirt with a silver flower and an asymmetrical neck line that shows my left shoulder. I volumized my hair (this thing I do where I crimp and curl random pieces, it looks cool but it's hard to describe) and wore white eye shadow a little bit of glitter. I looked nice. Well, as nice as a fat girl can look anyway.

When I got there, fashionably late as always, the dance was in full swing. About a quarter of the school was there, about 125 people. I strutted in, something I always do when I need confidence, and found my friends. They were all dancing by the speakers (a bad choice, as my ears are still ringing as I write this), mostly with other senior girls, but our friend D was there and T, too. Coincidentally they are the only two black boys in the entire school are both in our class and are both gay. They always get the lead roles in the school play, both are going to private schools next year for pre-med, and are both gifted athletes. Anyway, the point is, I had a great time dancing with my friends to loud music with bleeped-out lyrics.

But then I saw my crush from across the room. The problem with crushes is, they tend to crush you as the name suggests. He certainly did. He was grinding with a pretty girl from a near-by and much larger school. Like, he was dancing in a way that's basically sex with your clothes on (Luckily there was only one chaperone at this dance, a 21 year old student teacher who didn't much care if we left a little room for Jesus). I love dancing like that, it's actually really fun, but the point is he wasn't supposed to be dancing with her. He was supposed to be dancing with me. I turned away, and tried to focus on swiveling my hips to the correct beat. But really, I was caught up with the thought that he was dancing with her, and hadn't even glanced in my direction.

As the night went on, I danced with a senior from the same high school that my crush's new girl friend is from. He was a pretty bad dancer, but I had fun. He was pretty focused on my ass, which, given my bruised ego, wasn't such a bad thing. Then I danced quite a bit with my girls and a good time getting my heart rate up. But a thought occurred to me in the midst of the dancing. I want to be thin so he wants me. Maybe not him in particular, but I want all the boys waiting for a chance with me next time I'm out dancing. I know that the only way to do that is to lose this weight. I need to do this. I've found the motivation I miss placed earlier this week. I'm recommitting, like I said.