Constant

I was talking with my aunt on the phone and I was quiet for a bit. she said to me: "well you aren't much of a Chatty Cathy today"

And all I could think was 'no, I'm not much of a Cathy at all.'

anything I write in this moment will be irrelevant in the next moment. I can't seem to stay in a consistent mood or personality.

If I start the day happy, I always convince manage to convince myself that I don't deserve it. But sadness turns to happiness by the sheer energy in the room. sometimes I can't even control it. I just shift without warning.

But somethings stay the same. Like the way it physically hurts sometimes the way someone who used to really like me now can't hold a one minute conversation with me. (it's as if anything that he used to find interesting about me is gone. I don't know if I'm the one who changed, or if it was him. Am I suddenly weird or is he suddenly too cool for me?)

Other things change. Like the way Matt started talking to me again. Or how I have nothing to keep me focused. or the way I'm fascinated by things that used to repulse me, like cigarettes and too much eye liner.

I can't wait to get out of here so people will stop treating me like I don't matter. I want to start fresh so I can be on the same level as my classmates. They won't ignore me on conversations because I'm not in the click and don't share their inside jokes. They won't pass me over this way.

^that actually isn't true. because even though I want to, I can't change this shy personality of mine. I'll always have days like these when I'm quiet and sad. It will all just happen over again.

I want to apologize for this all being so rambly and stupid. but saying sorry for something that didn't hurt anybody is rambly and stupid too.