Long Story Short

Friday I was sitting in choir and I was really upset. something you should know about me is that sometimes I'm upset for reasons I don't understand. I just am. normally it has something to do with how much I really fucking hate myself. my best friend Anna was trying to get me to be normal and I just shot her a mean look and stormed out. I went and sat at the bottom of the stairwell next to a utility closet where only the janitors are allowed. It's cold down there and little freaky. I sat, wondering how long I'd have to sit there before my body temperature dropped one degree. I read that when your body has to heat up one degree it burns 200 calories.

She was mad at me. but not in a hold-a-grudge sort of way, more of a I-don't-understand-who-you-are-anymore-and-you-need-to-stop-acting-like-this sort of way. I was really sorry. I wrote her a letter explaining everything and then tore it up. She's really honest and logical, but it's that quality that makes her crave beauty and creativity. She's an amazing poet, but she doesn't get tangled the way I do; she has the ability to keep perspective.

On Saturday it was a full day rehearsal for Fame which goes up on Thursday. It looked amazing! We bedazzled and ripped up shirts for our costumes and had fun signing each other's acid-wash jeans. It was such a blast, and I managed to eat only a salad and an apple. I got my period though, so when I got home I had some chocolate and cheese and rice cakes and iced tea after I went running. No one is perfect.  Then it was my friend's eighteenth birthday at a hibachi restaurant, which was really fun. I ate some fried rice and a few bites of chicken and a cupcake. I know I went over yesterday, I was well over 1000 calories, but I ran a mile and I danced all day, and I was really good this whole week. I don't really feel bad about yesterday.

But somehow, even though I was comfortable with my calories yesterday, I was still upset. I had been with Anna all day and I hadn't apologized for the way I acted on Friday. So I messaged her that I was sorry and it turned into this hour long chat about how I keep cycling between depression and mania. Sometimes I'm really happy, bouncing around and smiling and dancing. Other times, I shut down, completely sad and quiet and gone. She says I need help. I don't want therapy or drugs, I think I just need a change in scenery. Then she asked: "and have you been eating normally in the past couple months? i mean i know you're trying to get in shape or be healthier or something but sometimes it worries me". I told her I was eating fine. I told her I eat the same as I used to, it's just that I'm trying to be really good at track this year. It was a terrible conversation. I ended up feeling like some sort of pitiable charity case.

I'm sick this morning. Aching muscles and joints, fatigue, and a really sore throat. I've had 200 cals worth of cereal and milk. I don't know what to think of all this. I know I need help, but getting help didn't change anything last spring. I need to fix myself this time, or I'll never be better.