time change (3 hours)
friend change (2 fights)
self change (1 mind)
140.4 ~up .8 pounds since Wednesday.
I don't feel bad about this gain since I was on vacation. with all the crap thrown at me, I did okay. And a friend saw me adding calories on my ipod. she gave me a look. oops.
San Fransisco is a beautiful city! the 5 days I was there inspired me to move out there. I know it's a long shot, but California is so great. I used to be a skeptic, I thought that it really couldn't be as pretty in real life as all the pictures are. but it is pretty, even more than the pictures. Despite the rain, it was one of the most amazing places I have ever been.
I hope no body is too bored by my pictures. I'm not thinspiring, but I like being able to share my life with people who understand and care about what I have to say. love y'all<3
Anna and I in our "business casual" for the master class at the Davies Symphony Hall
artsy rain picture
Me and Audrey in the rain at Muir Woods
red woods in the rain
view from Alcatraz island
tempting sour dough bread (okay fine, it's true, I tried some and it was delish. but the point is, I had a salad at this cafe. I deserve a medal for carb avoidance)
going home again (nose slightly burned but this is still the best pic taken of me in a long while... I don't photograph well. might have something to do with how fat I am hahaha)
somewhere over the land of the free
okay. now the problem.
I keep getting in fights with my friends. I get upset because they don't talk to me anymore. I try not to let it bother me, but when it gets to be to much I blow up. And obviously they don't like that. They say I'm irrational. maybe I am. but maybe I'm not the one at blame in this situation.
my mind set in all this conflict:
I'm sad because they ignore me > they must not like me anymore > they must be embarrassed of my fatness > maybe its my personality > maybe I don't talk enough/ talk too much > maybe they just forgot me > it must be my fault > I need to change > but I can't change my personality > yes I can, but who could I be? > I need to tell them how upset I am, I need to stand up for myself > fight > stupid bitches > no, they're right. it's all my fault > I need to change > I need to get skinnier and get a better personality > get quiet maybe cry in the bathroom > they ignore me > I'm sad again > repeat
But this time these fights seem more permanent. Like it'll be like this forever. I'll always be like this and they're waiting for me to get better. sorry guys. this is it.
maybe I am irrational. maybe I am bipolar. maybe I'm just a failure.
I need to change. but if I strip away my character and all it's flaws, I don't know what's hiding underneath.
sorry for the complaining. they say that's another thing wrong with me. sigh.
I ate about 800 each day. not terrible, but not in the SGD limits. And today was not better. jvoqignsrgvseigfj I need to stop this vacation mindset and get back to fruit and rice cakes.
back to reality.
PS- welcome new followers! I'm delighted to have you :)
It's so horrible to avoid food on vacations. I think you did magnificently if that's all you gained. And consider this your medal for avoiding the carbs :)
ReplyDeleteYou are very pretty!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've been having fallouts with a lot of my friends lately. I think its because they're embarrassed to be seen with someone as fat as me in public. It sucks.
Good luck with your dieting (:
Glad you enjoyed yourself in Cali! And .9 pound gain isn't that bad seeings how you were on vacation! I like the "rain in the forest" pic- it almost looks like snow! Oh, and the clouds one too! You look so pretty in your photos- and you do NOT look fat! I wish I could offer some advice in the friendship category, but from what I've seen over the years, friends just tend to come and go. We're lucky if we find 2 or 3 that will stick with us through life. Just because they're not talking to you doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you or anything- maybe all of your personalities are changing slightly as you get older. idk...I'm bad with advice ><
ReplyDelete♥
Jackie, my love,
ReplyDeletesuch cute pictures (you're so prettyyy), thank you so much for sharing them with us :) Glad to hear you had a good time in Cali!! I actually did some traveling in the Southwest/ the West Coast with my parents two years ago, and absolutely fell in love with San Francisco, too... once we're skinny and beautiful and living over there, we should definitely meet up and talk and talk and talk, deal? :)
I'm so sorry about the fights with your friends, darling... you know, the thing is that the fault is never on just one side, so don't you dare think it's all you who's messed up. Oh no. And you're definitely NOT a failure. If you were, do you think I'd be commenting on your blog and leaving you these comments full of my love? :)
And-- you're not complaining, you're just getting things off your chest... and that's always good-- so don't apologize. We're here for each other, after all, remember?
Lots of love, and hopefully I made you smile a little! :)
Lu.