We're getting close to the end, my dears. I graduate high school on thursday (wow, that sounds weird) and my last day of classes was yesterday. I'm amazed. And all this celebration food is making me fat.
Boy was away for a whole week for this Naval Academy summer program thing and I missed him a lot more than I thought I would. So when I finally did see him yesterday, things got a little carried away. Somehow in the moment, I let my shirt come off and didn't stop his fingers from fumbling with my bra. But then I was there, in just jean shorts realizing I wasn't good enough for him. I'm still flabby and gross.
He calls me beautiful. And in that horrible vulnerable place, he said it again and I couldn't feign confidence well enough to just smile and say something witty. Instead I swallowed and tried to say "thank you" but my voice broke. Then suddenly he's trying to tell me why I'm so 'perfect' and I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped at him to stop and looked away so he wouldn't see my tears or notice how my hands were shaking.But being a boy he has that way of pulling me close and so softly letting me know it's okay. He was talking about how he wished I could love myself. I was wishing silently not to fall for him. Otherwise it's gonna be too hard to say goodbye.
I need to get over this self hatred. I need to be able to find confidence even though I'm not what I expect from myself. And I do need to lose this weight. but I'm not sure this binge/starve method is the right one anymore. Counting calories is making my head spin.
Congrats in advance on graduating!! (: You two are quite perfect for each other, you are a kind, caring, lovely person, and he seems so loving and nice and real. I hope that you will find your confidence and reach your goals. You have my full support. <3
ReplyDeleteOh and by the way, I will be gone for 3 weeks, so I won't be able to read your blog or comment. :( I really will miss you! Please stay safe, stay strong!